This is an essay so i appreciate anyone who reads it and offers me words of advice/positivity....
Me and my partner have been together for 2 and a half years, it's been rather complicated as he had spent 20 years in Australia and has a wife and 2 kids. He came back to the UK because his wife had betrayed him but soon figured he couldn't live without his kids, in order for them to take residency here they had to apply for his wifes visa. Anyway, when i met him i was under the impression that the relationship between them was over and the only reason he wanted her here is so he could have his kids. But during this period i checked his phone and saw that he was still messaging her saying he loved her and misses her and having conversation with sexual contact. When they skyped he always took them in private...In my stupidity i put it down to him giving her hope of a life here with him...it took 2 years for this visa to be accepted and during that time my partner couldnt commit to me because he had to prove that he was stable for his family to come here. In this period he also was having sexual conversations with a colleague that he denied until i told him i checked his phone, then he made it out that i was the bad one for going through his phone (i had suspision he was up to something) and then he later said that the colleague was the one making the initial advances even though when i confronted her she showed me all of their conversations and it was blatanly obvious that he initiated all the conversations. He ignored me after this for 2 days and i then ended up contacting him to see if he was ok and apologised for going through his phone, also during this 2 year period he was forever leaving me and I'd beg for him to stay with me, he also puts lots of pressure on me to have a threesome even though i really dont want one, then i eventually had one with him cos he said that we're just so different and want different things out of life its pointless being together, so i did it just so he would stay...i hated every moment of it even though i pretended otherwise. 2 years later when she got here she lived with him for a month but he also told her about me and that he planned a future with me....i was happy, then he moved his wife and kids into a bigger home and is paying all her bills even though he lives with me and not contributing to any of the bills at all, he's also bought her a car all so she could feel settled here, to top it off he has to show on paper that they are still together so she can eventually get her citizenship...this will be about 5 years!!! This in itself is draining but what makes it all worse is that i feel like he talks to her in private, deleting phone logs/messages...i know he is forever checking other women out on the internet either on swinging sites or people we have worked with...he barely shows me any love or that he thinks I'm still beautiful, sex is just now a thing of roll on top, pump 5 times and get off...no care for my desires...he says sex is selfish. The times I've tried speaking to him about all the things that are bothering me, the outcome is always the same...he's leaving cos he doesn't have to put up with this. He always manages to make everything my fault and i end up believing him in a round about way or end up apologising out of fear he will leave...i can think of a handful of times that he has apologised to me but when he does im expected to get over it and i do because i cannot be bothered with continuing animosity but when i apologise to him it's never good enough. Its got so difficult recently that when i asked him to sit next to me to show him some dresses I've seen and wanted his opinion he went off on one saying why should he jump and do as he's told and even took himself off asking me to leave him be but yet he asks me to do all sorts of things and i just do them because it's no big deal. If i ask him a question, I'm quizzing him and then he ends up sleeping on the couch, when i get in from work he doesn't greet me but if i dont greet him when he gets in then all hell breaks loose, if i mention something about his wife he's on the defensive so quickly i dont finish my sentence or he just takes it as though I'm attacking her even though im not. I'm no angel, i do nag him, i do repeat myself all the time, i do go round in circles, i do always seek his attention, i do always wonder what he's doing on his phone and that shows in my body language...there's so much more to this then what I'm saying but I'd be here forever giving you examples of what he's like. I know i should leave him and i know I'll be better off without him, I'm not even attracted to him anymore but when that crunch comes that he is going (been there plenty of times before) i cant breathe, i have a full on panic attack, i cant see a way forward and i beg him to stay...even though i regret it after. I'm stuck and don't know how to get out of this...part of me wants to stick it out and part of me wants to let all this emotion out and tell him to get the hell out of my house...i just don't feel brave enough or strong enough to see it through...i feel in so much turmoil that which ever decision i make i will regret and wont be happy.