Resentment and worried

[PatrolPaws]

Ok I'm a long time poster back to pom bear days and long time lurker, not a troll!

OK so I need MN help wwyd. 1st Dec last year I gave birth by emcs to the most perfect baby boy. Not mine or dps first child. We were and still are totally in love with him, he's our world. Christmas is fast approaching and I'm becoming increasingly upset by thinking about last Christmas.

When I was in hospital after having ds, I was on morphine and many other meds having bled out, bladder going into spasm etc and I don't remember anything until ds was 3/4 days old. Whilst in hospital dps parents came to visit and I apparently said we'll be over Xmas day. I was high, sore, disfunctional in mind and body and do not remember this!

Anyway dp and I weren't living together at this point, on Xmas eve I remember feeling awful but trying my best for dc, we've always LOVED Xmas. He asked what time we should goto his dps I said "pardon, are we? Since when?" I absolutely did not remember saying this and I clearly was too sick, was just starting my second lot of antibiotics due to csection wound infection and bladder infection.

Anyway, he left there and then, 6pm Xmas eve, called to say his dad is utterly pissed off and disappointed in me. He left us, his 3week old son and my 6year old dd on Xmas eve. He came back Christmas day for an hour and boxing day for an hour. He left us because he got a cob on because he couldn't see that I didn't remember what I said, I wasn't up to going anyway, I was sick, upto my eyes on meds and still trying to care for a child and new baby. He left us, his boys first Christmas, I can't ever forgive this. I'm contemplating Xmas now and I think, he knew how sick I was but still thought of himself, still sulked like a child which he has form for, he left us!!

I just don't know what to do. There's so much resentment from me. Why did he not goto his family anyway, apologise on my behalf for the mix up then come home to us? Ahhhhh sorry venting!

Bump for this. Its still upsetting.

I would have honestly split up with him over it. What a pathetic man child. He showed you where his priorities are, his parents over his children and partner, a partner who had just had major surgery.

I'm not surprised you are still upset. It's pretty unforgiveable tbh.

sorry i didn't want to leave you without any replies, im so sorry op, that sounds like a horredous experience for you my lovely. His behaviour was so unacceptable, you and his children should have been his number 1 priorty, and not his parents.

I cannot believe that his parents would have actaully thought you would have been well enough to travel anyway.

My thought is you make Christmas for you and your dc's, let him miss out because in the end he will regret missing all those memories.

I cannot see why you are still with him. He doesn't care enough about you or the children. Get rid of him, he'll do the same sort of thing again and again.

He does have tendencies to spoil special occasions, birthdays, Easter etc by throwing a strop, causing a row. But Xmas, our first as a family, I just can't forgive that. He wonders why I don't bother with his family much. They should've told him to come home to us. Thank you for your replies.

Has anybody else got any views on this? I don't know if I can run the risk of another Xmas being wrecked

So if he sabotages every "occasion" why are you tolerating it?

I think the only way you can guarantee another Christmas or any other special occasion won't be wrecked, is if you exclude him from it.

Why do you need someone else’s opinion to validate your feelings?

You were there, your feelings are valid. He’s a wanker.

My god I would never have been able to get past this. I had a similar birth experience to yours with my first and felt like I had been hit by a train, it was months before I felt like myself again. My dh would have brought me the moon on a stick if I had asked for it, he was caring, loving and gentle and asked me for nothing. You deserved the same

What has the year in between been like? Have you ever talked about what happened last year?

He sounds awful and I, too, would have ended things after last Christmas.

Have you considered a debrief about your labour and time in hospital, so you can talk it through and see if that helps with your feelings about it?

Can you visit your family and make plans to not return to him?

If you want someone to say stay with him that isn't going to happen. He's abusive and you deserve better. You can't change his behaviour.

@greensleeves he knows how I feel, but on reflection I've not had a genuine apology, any kind of explanation, he just kept saying how much effort his parents went to and I "let them down". I was in the supermarket and in town, sick and struggling buying food, party games for us to make our first Xmas special, but my effort counted for nothing.

He has narcissistic ways and nothing is ever ever his fault. To the extent of if he's feeding the baby and he loses the bottle lid he'll blame the baby!

I can't get past this, I've tried and I can't. He left us at Christmas to sulk in his selfish ways. I don't think I am going to risk that this year.

How has he been all year. If he has stepped up to the mark and is a good dp and df ok but if he still has the same tendencies this is not good. I would look at the whole picture now .
If you do decide to split don't make it solely about last Christmas but all his behaviour added up together including that.
If you do decide to stay then you have decided to let go last Christmas and start afresh. Only do that if he is a good partner since. He must be doing something right if ye are still together a year on.

I totally love him. We've had a tough year and tbh ds has been the glue that's held us together. He can be really lovely and is an amazing dad but he can be a bully. He sometimes threatens to end our relationship unless he get what's he wants. He sulks like a child then gives the silent treatment for days. He doesn't name call but pulls me down. Just last week he declared he's going to sleep as there is "nothing worth staying up for, I've never had it so barren." yes matey because I have been bleeding for 6weeks! Then I got "the only thing you do for me is cook."

I'm a mug aren't I?

I don't see how he sounds "really lovely" at all.

Yes you appear to be a mug as he treats you badly.

Please read up on co-dependency.

Send him back to his parents where he can be the child he appears to be with you.
.
You and your DC can have a lovely xmas on your own.

Have to say though that I have no time for Narc tendencies no matter 'how lovely' they can be when they want something.

No he is a horrible man. He has not improved since last year. He is worse.
Do not spend another Christmas after this one with him.
But l would use all his bullying stuff to decide that not one incident. He is horrible and you and your baby deserve better.
I hope you have good support.

He isn’t ‘really lovely and an amazing dad’. He left you and his tiny baby when you were unwell and vulnerable and he’s still being abusive. He’s a cunt of the first order and his family is no better. I really can’t see how he enhances your life in any way.