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Original poster

Ex doesn't want kids around new bf, What rights do i have?

46 replies

louiseod92 · 06/11/2018 20:13

Split from my ex 3 years ago, hes moved on and has a new baby. Been with new bf for 2 years, only been properly introduced to my kids about 6/7 months ago.

My ex introduced his gf to the kids very early so took me a while to let them meet my new bf. My ex has never been fond of him and has said he doesn't want him around them.

My kids and new bf get on like a house on fire. They love him and love spending time with him, always asking to see him.
Shit has hit the fan with my ex cause of this and tried to keep my kids from me after his weekend with them.

Lawyers are now involved, but i just wanted to know what rights i have against him about who i have around my kids? Can he do anything without some sort of court order if i was to have my new bf around them even though hes told me no?

I never had a proper meeting with my lawyer so not all my questions were answered. the ball is rolling but looking for advice in the meantime.

My kids miss him and he misses them, i dont want the kids missing out but don't know what rights he has against me if he doesn't actually have anything?

Thanks

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/11/2018 22:47

Clear blue water between having tried drugs in the past and choosing to post about doing it regularly on social media revelling in the “rave lifestyle”. Why is he doing that? Do you see the difference?

I was also all for he has no right to dictate who you spend time with or who your shared children see when they’re with you. What you’ve gone on to explain/drop feed is your ex doesn’t trust you or your taste in men as you’ve spent time with unsavoury types in the past and are now seeing someone your children are becoming attached to who sounds like a bit of an irresponsible man child who you admit regularly does drugs.

With the additional drip feed about how awful your ex is, his DP is (she’s not the “new gf” btw, she’s your kids half siblings mother), what a shit dad he is, do you think your kids need another deadbeat in their lives or a bit of stability?

PerverseConverse · 06/11/2018 22:52

I was in your corner until you mentioned drugs. I'm firmly with your ex on this. A court would possibly order a section 7 report from social services. It's not going to look good that you've involved a regular drug user in your child's life. And the guy posts about it on social media? What a twit.

BonnieF · 06/11/2018 23:03

To any objective person, your ex’s concerns about this man being around his children appear to be genuine, reasonable and entirely legitimate.

I wouldn’t want someone who boasts on social media about being a heavy drinker and drug abuser around my children, either.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Family law Relationship problems

Original poster

louiseod92 · 07/11/2018 08:23

I posted on this to try get some help, cause i feel like i can't talk to anyone else. But what a mistake that was.

Just feel worse about myself. No one seems to understand the situation and in just cause i mentioned "drugs/drink".

There's more to it than that. Hes not in any way a drug abuser!!

My ex has been trying to control me for years, controlled me from the minute we started seeing each other back in 2009, i seen sense n left him after 6 years.

The other people who told me not to hang around with had nothing to do with drugs, he also told me he wanted my OH not to be around the kids before all this other stuff came around.

I 100% see from your all points of view, course i do. But i know my.own situation and nothing like that is ever around my kids or anywhere near my home.

My kids were in a stable environment until my ex had caused a shit storm and started using them as weapons/threat towards me.

I have no idea who he has around my kids as i dont snoop on his social media to find out. Hes constantly checking up on me, hense the reason i blocked him so he used my bf page to do so.

I am a good mum and would never bring any harm towards my kids, as any other mother would! The kids are never exposed to anything like that and as soon as they were it would be done.

Dont even know why I'm trying to explain myself cause no ones ever going to listen to my side or even consider what i have to say, whole reason i came on here but seem to be getting the same reception as i am in the real world.
thanks 👍

OP posts:

twattymctwatterson · 07/11/2018 08:30

Op what age are you? Honestly aside from the legalities, don't you see how cringeworthy and stupid it is to brag about taking drugs on social media? Yes I've taken recreational drugs lots of times. I've never done it since my daughter was born because I have more than just myself to think about now

Nicknacky · 07/11/2018 08:35

I’m concerned by this sentence.....”the kids are never exposed to anything like that and as soon as they were it would be done”.

That shouldn’t even be a possibility. Yes, your ex might be an abusive and controlling twat but on this occasion he is right to be concerned about this guy.

TeddyIsaHe · 07/11/2018 08:36

Does your bf currently take drugs? Because I would go absolutely batshit if my daughter was around anyone that took drugs.

Past drug taking prior to meeting you/your child wouldn’t bother me as much, everyone has a history, it’s more whether it’s currently happening. If it is then you are opening yourself up to a world of problems.

twattymctwatterson · 07/11/2018 08:38

Teddy I'd put money that op and current bf take drugs together

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 07/11/2018 08:39

but seem to be getting the same reception as i am in the real world

Surely that should be telling you something. If everyone, friends, family, strangers on the internet, are telling you the same thing then wouldn’t you take a step back and think maybe they have a point?!

You say that the kids aren’t exposed to the drinking and drugs but if they were it would be done. That should never even be a possibility. They should never even be around the chance of it happening.

If your ex was in a relationship with someone who lived a similar lifestyle to “your man” then everyone would tell you she shouldn’t be anywhere near them. It doesn’t change just because the partner is yours

Fuckimdoingaphd · 07/11/2018 08:41

I wouldn’t let a drug user who was also drinking heavily around my kids and if my ex was with one I’d seek to limit that person’s access to my kids. Sorry.

dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 08:43

Ask yourself why this is. Why you're getting the same reception to this situation wherever you go? There's a reason for that. And the court and SS are not going to be interested in your side, because the interests of the children is the issue, not your side or your boyfriend. You'd have to be a pretty thick person to share images of yourself using drugs on social media. It's far from a clever thing to do.

You're going to be very hard-pressed to find people who are going to say, 'Aw, hun, we all no your bf is a great guy who just likes a bit o' rave. Ur ex is a git'.

Give your head a wobble.

dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 08:45

Teddy I'd put money that op and current bf take drugs together

Ditto. Under the ol' 'It's just a bit o fun' header.

Returnofthesmileybar · 07/11/2018 08:48

Ok look, I've read your update and I'll try put it another way. I get it, your ex is controlling, your kids are well looked after and you go out when they are at their dads and let your hair down but when they come back it's all systems so, back into mammy mode and they are none the wiser, very much loved and looked after, that's what you are saying? I actually get that, I do. I get the double standards and contr from your ex is very frustrating, I get it seems like he is coming from a spiteful control place. I understand BUT as frustrating as all of that is you have to put it to one side and realise that even though his motives might not be right, your ex is right. It's annoying, you like new guy, it doesn't effect the kids but ultimately you are moving from one bad situation to another and it's hard to see because you are having fun along the way.

Like it or not if this goes to court then your new bf's lifestyle is going to be an issue. Why would you want any SS involvement? Can you put the control aside and say actually if my ex did this I'm not sure I'd trust their judgement either?

You need to dump the new bf I'm afraid, you can do better anyway, and why open up a shit storm for yourself?

PerverseConverse · 07/11/2018 09:03

Silverdoe asked is your boyfriend involved with drugs or heavy drinking?

And your response was:
Im not going to lie he is yes, He's a DJ and is involved in the rave scene

But as soon as everyone says that they side with your ex because of the drugs you suddenly say your bf doesn't take drugs.

So which is it op?

AgentProvocateur · 07/11/2018 09:12

OP, no one here or in real life is going to agree that your ex is in the wrong not to want his children associating with a drug user. It’s a bad idea. Even if neither of you take drugs when the children are there, it just takes one dropped ecstasy pill that looks like a sweet for one of your children to come to harm. You’re on really shaky ground here once lawyers get involved.

BitchQueen90 · 07/11/2018 09:18

OP, I'm a single mum and I get the whole wanting to have fun and let your hair down when the kids are at their dad's.

But you need to think hard about who you introduce to your children. You should not be pursuing a serious relationship with somebody with the raves and drugs kind of lifestyle. Like I said, what if you move in together in the future and he is coming home drunk and high when your kids are there? It doesn't sound to me like he's going to happily give up his lifestyle for family life.

It's not a tit for tat game - "well my ex does it so why shouldn't I." You can't control what your ex does but you can make sure your children have one stable parent and home.

Notacluewhatthisis · 07/11/2018 09:50

Fucks sake op. Thats a huge drip feed. Your ex totally has a point. Not only is he involved in drugs, he think a it's that normal that he posts it in social media. Which he must for you ex to know.

My Dp has an adult son who doesn't live with. He can take drugs whenever he wants. If he did, I wouldn't be with him. I wouldn't have him round my kids.

You kids adore him, aren't you worried if ods and dies? Why would you let them get attached?

You may live to really regret starting legal proceedings rather than ditching your boyfriend.

If concerns are genuine of course your ex can do something.

SillySallySingsSongs · 07/11/2018 09:54

Well there is a reason for that.

Notacluewhatthisis · 07/11/2018 10:00

whole reason i came on here but seem to be getting the same reception as i am in the real world.

If that doesn't tell you something, then you need some serious help and support.

SilverDoe · 07/11/2018 15:18

Oh dear OP, unfortunately I think you need to listen to everyone’s concerns - look, he might come across as an okay guy but “just” having fun, being on the “rave scene”etc are not qualities that are conducive to a stable home for children. I’m sure your looking after them but it sounds like you’re not thinking enough about the long term impact of partners on your and your child’s life.

I’ve probably misread but I’m confused about the contact arrangement you and your ex have with your DC, are you the resident parent or not?

justchangingagain · 07/11/2018 17:19

Surely the fact that you have failed to convince people in real life and on here that things are fine should tell you something.

It maybe that your boyfriend is a decent person and wouldn't willingly do anything to harm the children, but his responsibility free job/lifestyle goes against what most would consider a stable safe family life.

Your biggest problem now will be convincing a judge that the boyfriend is a suitable adult to have around the children, and considering that you have failed to convince anyone so far the odds have to be stacked against you.

It seems that you have played into your controlling ex hands, who is going to look like super parent in court?.
People have lost custody of their children because they have stayed with partners that the courts have deemed unsuitable.

Who means most to you, your children or the boyfriend that's your choice now legal people are involved.

For what it's worth I'm with your ex on this as would most people be, and no we haven't all tried drugs.

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