How do I handle this at parents evening? Bullying & me stupidly upset...

[WellThisIsShit]

DS is 8yrs old, and a very sensitive young boy who’s been through a hell of a lot in his life so far, to set the background. And so I guess he’s different, and not as resilient or socially adept as some, and certainly not as able to fend off the children who have zeroed in on him for their fun this year.

I feel dreadful about this, and that it’s my fault he’s different and that he’s vulnerable to being picked on. And this is really getting in the way of me being able to deal with it properly for him.

Ffs I’m scared I will just burst into tears if I try and talk about this with the teacher, but if I don’t broach it, then Im definitely being a rubbish mother.

It would help to have a realistic idea about what I can expect the school to do in terms of helping sort this out. I’m so worried that if it goes on too long it will confirm all DS’s low self esteem thoughts and leave a permanent mark on him - but I’m pretty sure the attitude of the school will be that he just shouldn’t feel that way and other kids should be able to deal with it so DS should be able to... but he can’t, and it’s awful.

Btw for full disclosure: I became very ill the year I had DS and have since found out I have a horrible genetic disease that killed my sister and father (all within the last decade). It’s life changing and life limiting, and as the remaining members of our family pissed off when we found out (ds father who was my husband for years before this all happened, and my erm, warped, mother), poor DS only has me to cling to, which terrifies him. I don’t know if DS has it too btw, haven’t found out yet. I rely on carers daily and no matter how hard I try, I can’t make life ‘normal’ for my darling boy.

The main bully started before the summer break by poking fun as DS’s ugly disabled mother. That’s why it hurts so fucking much and I’m crying on mumsnet at 1am in the morning!

I need to go in tomorrow calm and not looking like I feel any of this stuff, and help my child....

I am sorrry. It sounds really shit and a lot foryou both to dal with.

I would deal with it with school at parents evening. Far too rushed and public. Make an appointment and see the head privately.

I agree, go and see them privately to discuss. I think you can expect them to support your DS fully, they will have bullying policies in place.



OP, I am a teacher of Y6 and I also have an 8 year old son. I’ve dealt with many instances of bullying in school, particularly in the last school year when a young lad was faced with a horrific bullying situation from the majority of the year group.

My advice would be go in and speak to the teacher in absolute honest terms. Teachers are humans who love kids and families and only want to help. Any parent who came to me with the emotion and situation you describe would get every resource, empathy and discretion I could give. I would do my absolute best to ensure the situation improved for your child immediately and would support him and you with everything I could.

Please go and speak openly and honestly and don’t worry about being emotional. No parent who loved their child and sees them suffer would be anything but.

Good luck.

Thank you. I am so worried I’ll come across as an over emotional idiot. And they’ll belittle what I’m trying to say because I’m upset.

I did try and nip it in the bud when it started in earnest the second week back in September. The teacher agreed to move DS from sitting on the same table as the worse bully... and did so, but only in maths, so I had to go back and ask about every other lesson as he kept being put on the same table! It was tortuous and I felt like I was constantly complaining, and ‘that parent’ when it was simply one single thing that they just seemed to have no interest in carrying out properly.

What else can I ask them to do? I feel like I need to be armed with ideas, not turn up with a problem...

Yes I probably shouldn’t be trying to deal with this at parents evening, but I don’t know what else to do, I’m bed bound most of the time. It’s a massive effort getting to the school and then I have to recover for ages afterwards, so I was hoping to get the most out of each time I’m at the school, as it’s so very difficult... especially if it’s goong to be like last time when I have to expend a huge amount of health after getting them to follow through with just one thing that they’d said they’d do...

I agree with previous posters, don't try and have this conversation during a rushed time pressured conversation, the teacher won't be able to engage fully with you.
I get emtional talking about my DC, teachers are lovely about it. Also in my work I Have had people really upset when talking about their DC and I never mind. It just shows people care about their DC.
Also it is not your fault your DC is being bullied, it is the bullies fault. If it wasn't that it could just as easily be something, anything else.
Ask the school what their bullying policy is and go through it with them.

So what should I say tomorrow?

Just that DS is very unhappy at the moment and the way some of the children (two in particular, one mainly) are behaving is at the heart of it, and I’d like to book an appointment to talk about how to address this?

What if she says that she thinks nothings happening? That she doesn’t believe me? Or something awful like that?

Yes I’m catastrophising...

Both these horrible bullies are clever, popular and as far as I understand it, well thought of by teachers. I’m worried that this is why the bullying is flourishing :-(

I would say something exactly like that OP.
I have never known a teacher refuse to hold a meeting with a parent.
On a slightly different point I wonder if your family would benefit from more support? Do you have any other supportive professionals around you. Young carer groups can have great workers attached to them or family support workers. They can help advocate for your dc and you.

If getting to the school is difficult for you I would email or call the school asking the head to phone you to discuss as you have mobility issues. And go to the parents' evening as usual to discus your son's schoolwork.

The bullying is a separate issue. The school's anti-bullying policy will probably be on their website. The school is obliged to address your concerns. I'm surprised the teacher continued to put your son on the same table. This suggests she doesn't understand how serious it is.

I’d make the phone call ahead of parents’ evening. Get the ball rolling on that first and ask for a phone update at the end of the week.

Then use parents’ evening for them to give you a quick update on what they have done since your call and focus on other areas of school life.

If there is bullying going on I’d expect to talk to a parent about it several times over the coming weeks. A phone call should be as do-able as a face to face meeting and hopefully better for you.

Are school aware of the diagnosis and likelihood of it being passed on? I think they need to know. Does your DS need additional emotional support from groups like Young Carers? Perhaps worth investigating those too.

OP-ring school today and explain a little of what you have said here. I would probably skip parents' evening unless you think that would upset your son-they are usually rushed, hot, crowded events with lots of the children about. Say that you have serious issues to discuss and can you arrange a meeting with the Head and your ds's teacher asap so you can talk about the situation in a safe, relaxed environment. Good luck.
Also, has anyone suggested Young Carer's groups for your son? They offer wonderful support for people in his situation.

No one can argue against how the bullying/actions of classmates with your is making your son feel. So even if the teacher says they haven't seen anything, reiterate that your son has reported A, B, C to you and it makes him feel X, Y, Z. How can you work together to resolve this?

Definitely look for young Carers services in your area. Ours starts at 8 and the next area along at 6 so there should be something. Your school senco might have the information, if not your local children's worker will - ask the school for their contact details if you don't have them already.

Get a copy of the school's bullying policy so that you can ask questions about how they will implement it in your son's case.

I'd agree op, even with full mobility parents evening wouldn't be the place for this, and in all honesty the teachers would probably prefer you don't have the discussion there, it's too busy, rushed, public.

Phone thr school and say you wish to make an appt to discuss your sons bullying. You don't even have to be face to face, explain you've mobility constraints.

But call today and get thr ball rolling. Explain uou wont attend parents evening, and wish a seperate meeting instead to discuss it.

Do you have social worker? Can you take a support person? You need to give them less wiggle room. Be firmer. Your son is being bullied. The school have not supported him. Go to the education board. Can you have a phone conversation if going is too hard?

Just as an aside- but have you considered DS doing martial arts? I was horrendously bullied and started karate, not to fight back but it gave me so much confidence.

Definitely look up the school bullying policy. It is a way to hold them accountable. Say everything you have said and then say your policy refers to a/b/c please can you tell me how you are going to follow this process. Make a follow up meeting for a few weeks time, tell them you are doing so and that you would like to see evidence of how they are implementing it. Keep a diary with your ds and so you can show exactly what is happening.
I really hope you get this sorted. You have both been through enough.

I would skip parents' evening too, and make a arrangement to have separate meeting. It's too short and time pressured for teacher to engage with you fully during parents' eve.

OP I’m so sorry, you sound as thought you have so much to worry about .

I also agree that parents evening isn’t the place for this. Could someone go along with you when you see the teacher? Not just for support but to help you remember everything you need to get said.

My Dd was bullied at for a time at secondary school and I remember barely being able to talk about it for overwhelming feelings of anger and sadness for her.

You are very articulate here in your posting style. I wonder if it might help to write a letter or email to the teacher (and copy in the headteacher) first to get it all out, so that you go in without having to begin discussing everything from the start.

Looking back I wish I’d been far more proactive for my Dd. Don’t be afraid to speak up for both your ds and also to address your own difficulties.

I too would skip parents evening and make a separate, longer, appointment for ASAP.

To help you, write down in bullet points what has been going on.
Names, dates, history.

Kinds of thing I would expect:

• Assurance from school they will put a stop to it.
• Firm talking to of bullies (and their parents) that this is not acceptable
• Circle times with whole class about accepting difference, being kind etc
• keeping separate in class
• break / lunch supervisors to keep an eye out
• twice daily check in with your DS all is OK (after break and after lunch)

Plus I would also ask for Emotional support for your son and to be put in touch with your local Young Carers group if there is one.

I would make sure before you leave the meeting that you are clear on what steps the school (and you) are going to take by when. I would agree another meeting in 1 week to discuss progress.

You need to be 'that' parent for this. If school can't / won't sort it out then you need to look at moving schools.

Agree emailing first will be helpful.
If you email today and give availability to meet this week and get them to suggest when?

Yes agree with Teen, especially the suggestion of a follow up meeting (or even ongoing meetings) to discuss progress.

Haha Teen and I are on the same page with this I think

Good luck OP x

Heavens. Absolutely you need to be filling them in. If it's a struggle to go to school then don't. Ask for a phone meeting instead. They would typically be after the end of school.

We keep parents' evening to discuss academics and any wider issues regarding additional or pastoral needs we deal with in direct and private conversations, initially with the teacher. Your school may well have emotional support available for your son and you may be able to apply to a young carers' scheme. In terms of bullying you lay out why you think he's at risk, any incidents that have happened and what effect there is on him. It's up to them to tell you how they are going to keep him safe and check that it's working, but you can chip in any ideas. This is not a one shot thing, it's the start of an ongoing conversation which can easily be by phone if going to school is an issue for you. I'm sorry to hear about your family news . Please please do fill the school in.

Oh ffs, just had a letter through from the school to say they’ll be supporting anti-bullying week from this Friday to next Friday.

Ha dee f@cking ha.

It’s just set me off crying again after I thought I’d pulled myself together after last night... and thank you all for helping me .

It feels like rubbing salt into the wound for me, and I suspect it will for DS too, who will have to go along to all these stupid ‘celebrating individuality’ things in the lip service of anti-bullying whilst getting bullied throughout.

I too would send an email in advance. It's good to set it all out in writing.