Dear Agony Aunt (with a twist)

[Hollanda]

Ok. The idea is to write a Problem page letter from the perspective of a TV character....others have to guess who you are supposed to be!

“Dear Deirdre,

I’m confused. I’m stuck in a weird world that just confuses me. I have numerous older siblings who make no sense, one of them loves eating peas and another one constantly sings pointless, meaningless songs to me. Although I’m an infant, I don’t understand how “Goggy Gyah” is in any way meant to help my development.

I also don’t understand why we live a disused Windmill, and have grave concerns re health and safety of doing so.

Pls help?”

Oooh!!! You're baby Jake!

Yep.

“Dear Deirdre,

I’m worried about all my friends.

One of them has OCD, and finds comfort in sorting random objects and cleaning...which would be ok if it weren’t cleaning other people!

My best friend has the confusing habit of lifting up her skirt and dancing at every given opportunity, and throwing kisses at everyone. I feel worried about what others think.

The family of three triplets who live in a tree near me all dress identically but none of them have real names. There are also two families of really tiny characters, each with eight children. These people seem ok, but appear to be on some sort of curfew.

None of these things are that bad, or wouldn’t be...if they didn’t constantly harp on about me being selective mute and about where I choose to live.

Please. If you, too, were surrounded by huge balloons who threaten to terrorise me as I sleep, a bunch of tree dwelling nuisances and your only forms of transport were a runaway train and an airship with a flatulence issue, I feel you would be overjoyed to spend your nights drifting away to sea on a tiny boat, covered only by a red blanket; it feels somehow safer.

Yours,

Worried.”

Don't worry Iggle Piggle it'll soon be time to go.

Dear Deidre,

My brother is a snivelling little shit. He learnt to say the word "dinosaur" before he learnt to say anything useful and if he doesn't get his way he cries like a little twat.

My Dad is fat and lazy. He does something in construction but he doesn't seem to do it very often. He just tells us all the time that he's a bit of expert about a lot of shit that no one cares about.

My Mum is alright, but she seems to pander to the men in the house.

I personally am brilliant at everything. I can't help it, I'm just so wonderful. The only real problem is that my best friend is a sheep and she seems to think that lamb is better than pork. She's worth keeping around though, as she's the only one more irritating than me. Other than that bloody pony!

How can I make my family see how great I am? They just don't seem to understand and I fear they're holding me back.

Please help,

Held back.

Dear Deirdre,

I seem to have somehow become carer to a small child. I say small, he’s twice my size but still can’t talk properly and constantly ruins everything.

I’m taking all the drugs I can to chill me out but if I have to clean up after this simpleton and his weird friends (one can’t even keep his trousers on) I swear I’m going to “voosh” him right out of my house.

Yours

Endlessly Patient At Breaking Point.

That insufferable little shit Peppa @MummySharkDooDooDooDoo !!

Dead Deidre,

I'm slightly terrified. My dog talks! He talks!!! He understands what we're saying and he responds. Either I'm going mad or my dog actually understands the English language.

My Mum works at the vets, and she either brought home a magic dog or she's some kind of witch. My step brother seems to think it's perfectly normal and my step dad seemed shocked at first but accepted it without question. Am I going mad? Or do I have a talking dog?

Yours,

Talking(?) Dog Owner

Waaaafffle doggy!

And Bing before that

Oh Flop! That's exactly what I thought you'd say.

Waffle Doggy is the cutest programme on CBeebies. I love my daughter singing to it lol!!! Oh Waffle, leaping about like a frog! Oh Waffle, such a clever dog!

All of the nights spent awake with your woofing but we still love you!

😍😍😍😍

Dear Deirdre
My son is a pyromaniac, he's always causing havoc.
The thing is , the local fireman is his real dad , I'm not sure if any one knows but with all the extra attention ds gets , someone might guess !
Help

That muppet Norman from Fireman Sam?

Dear Deirdre

I am lonely. My best friends are my Grandad, some kind of aristocratic gentleman, a trans woman with a penchant for huge dresses and a faux posh accent and a fisherman. I find myself intrigued by the disembodied voice of a small child and I’m beginning to wonder whether any of us even exist, particularly my alter ego who seems rather nice but a little enthusiastic about sign language. Everything I own is spotty, which is beginning to drive me mad.

I think I’m having a breakdown, or I will drive everyone else to one if I ever have to sing any more utterly ridiculous songs.

Please do help,

A Not So Shining Styar

Dear Deidre,
I am becoming concerned about my daughter. Like many children, she seems to ignore the advice of her parents about how to tackle situations in life. I thought she'd learn from experience that sometimes mummy and daddy were right, yet she seems to come through these situations happily despite ignoring us.
That wouldn't have worried me until I observed her one day having a in-depth discussion with her favourite teddy. She seemed to be taking direct instruction from it. I'm beginning to worry that one day the teddy will turn all Jack Torrance from The Shining and instruct her we must all be punished. Should I seek professional help for her?