Sending a card/letter to someone who is dying. What do i say?

[ApolloandDaphne]

I had a friend visiting this weekend from the town i used to stay in. We moved away 10 years ago. She told me that a mutual friend who i knew had cancer previously, was unwell again. The cancer has come back and she hasn't long to live.

I have seen this woman a few times since moving but probably not in the past 5 years. Her youngest DD and my DD2 were very good friends and when they were younger we took them back and forth to stay with each other. Both girls are now 21 and lost touch when they were about age 16.

I would, at the very least, like to send this woman a card to say i had heard from our mutual friend that things were not going so well with her and that i am thinking about her. My dilemma is how do i word this?

I also want to know if adding a letter with the card would be nice or a bit insensitive? If i sent a letter what topics could i tell her about without making her feel worse?

I was cleaning out a cupboard yesterday and found some photos of our DD's when they were small and thought maybe talking about them, maybe even enclosing them, might be nice? Sort of talking about the past really rather than chuntering on about what i am up to now?

Can anyone help me with this? Thanks.

I think she would probably really appreciate the sentiment and the pictures on her kids when they were little. You can just say that you are thinking of her and the times you and your children’s spent together.

All dying people - just like all people! - are different. But based on my mum’s feelings when she was dying I would say focus on her but not her illness. So not to much about you. Focus on when you were close - what did you gain from that friendship? What qualities made her unique? My mum loved hearing what people thought of her, as in her final months she was rearranging her life into a sort of narrative, now she knew the ending.

Copies of pictures of her daughter would - I’m sure - be much appreciated. As a daughter left behind, I’d also say her daughter would appreciate a sentiment like “if your daughter ever has any questions about memories from when the girls were small, my door is always open, no matter how long it’s been”.

My DM passed away three years ago from an aggressive and fairly rare form of cancer, she was terminal from diagnosis.

One of her best friends sent her a card with a letter included, and at the end of the letter she wrote *Be brave, be bold, be you DM’s name”

And that short sentence has always stuck with me.

So sorry about your friend.

That is very helpful. Thank you. She is a very lovely woman and i enjoyed the times we spent together. There were three of us who had DDs around the same time and we all spent loads of time letting the girls play together and hosting sleepovers for them. I have loads of really fond memories of that time. Maybe a letter reminiscing about these times would be good?

That sounds perfect. Xx

Ps. It can also be worth saying something along he lines of “I know your time and energy is precious, please don’t feel you need to reply.”

That's a good point Hermione.