Please recommend a 'How to parent a toddler' book

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DD is just about 18m old and I am starting to feel the weight of getting parenting decisions right or wrong.

I wonder if there are any books that anyone can recommend?

I try to be positive and use positive language rather than 'don't do this' but equally I think that if I occasionally tell her not to do something for good reason that she should be able to obey that.

A couple of examples:
Today I asked her not to touch something (dirty) so she very purposefully touched it. I didn't make a big deal about it and just said 'we'd better wash your hands now' but I feel that this sort of thing is going to happen more and more.

A regular occurrence is that once DD decides that she fancies her lunch she persists to tell me how awful it is having to wait with a strangled cry that she seems to have perfected to be as irritating as it possibility could be. This has almost become a habit. Should I just make sure all meals are early enough to avoid this (but once I start cooking it alerts her to the fact a mealtime is approaching) or teach her to wait more patiently? This scenario has led to me losing my temper more than once (whereas generally I'm very calm with her) and wonder whether I'd be better giving quick meals like beans on toast more often than proper cooked meals that take half an hour.

I know we have to pick our battles, but which ones to pick...

I'd like to read a parenting book but I want to make sure it's a good one hence asking for recommendations here.

Positive Parenting Programme (Triple P) or the Solihull Approach are both popular but my favourite is 123 Magic.

I loved “How to talk so your children listen and listen so your children talk” and also Growing Great Boys (I believe there is a girl equivalent) which was great at getting me to understand where they were coming from in wanting to do everything themselves.

Imagine you are pretty useless at everything. You pick up a cup, drop it. Draw a picture, it isn’t as good as you hoped. Try a puzzle, it’s harder than you expect. Run, fall. This is the life of an 18 month old and it really sucks so take that into account, give them things they can succeed at and don’t get cross when they mess up as they probably aren’t doing it on purpose.

I think your response to touching the dirty thing was perfect by the way - no crossness, just the natural consequence that touching a dirty thing, fine, but we wash hands afterwards.

Lunch - how about giving her some carrot sticks or something to do while you cook. But mine are 6 and 8 now and although they don’t yell for food, they’re still mithering “dinner ready yet mum, how about now, how long now” so they get carrots, capsicum and cucumber to keep them busy.

There's a "How to talk so little kids will listen" book by the same authors that's pretty good.

I like Penelope Leach 'Baby and Child' which follows development up till 5. It's good at explaining the child's point of view.

Came to recommend How to Talk but others have said the same! I think theyve done a variety of age groups now too.

Urgh the whinging! I've had some success distracting 20m DS by having him on a stepping stool in the kitchen to play with a little bowl of ingredients and a spatula while I cook. Just keep him at the far end out of reach of the hob/knives as he's very quick when he fancies grabbing something. If I were to give him a snack to tide him over he wouldn't eat his meal at all, snacking really puts him off his food. He loves to see what I'm doing and be involved, "helping". I talk him through what I'm doing and he seems to enjoy watching and listening in that context.

I have the Gina Ford toddler book and also the gentle parenting one. Neither are that much use at the moment. They seem aimed at older children.

Thank you all for your responses and suggestions.

It hadn't occurred to me that DD might like to 'help' in the kitchen. I might reorganise things a bit to create one safe bit of work top.

I tried giving her a tiny snack while waiting for her lunch to cool yesterday and she didn't want it. She wanted the main event

That's a really interesting point about their frustration when they can't do something. My mum recently bought her a jigsaw puzzle that is far too advanced. I think I might hide it and get her something much simpler for now.

And I will buy the 'How to talk...' book as there seems to be a consensus here!

Hello I can highly recommend Toddler Calm by Sarah Ockwell-Smith - it has definitely helped me to remain calm and confident! It's a gentle parenting type book and explains why toddlers behave the way they do.

Don't know if I can help with any particular books OP but I would like to offer a slightly different perspective here. 18mo is still very young but of course they understand everything you say. I think with the touching something after being explicitly told not to I would give DC a 'telling off'; eg [Name] I said don't touch that! That's naughty! [Give 'the look']. Now come and wash your hands.

Somewhat firmer than you were on this occasion but in the area I live (middle class community in city) it's rare to see children being 'told off' and I do think that is somewhat confusing for a very young child.

Just in case I need to say this, I don't suggest for a minute you shout at your child, deliberately show them anger, be nasty, etc.

Yes to how to talk. The little kids one will be more immediately useful. The original is better from about 4 but you can still take things from it.

Something I find helpful to bear in mind at this age is that it probably is too much to expect them to regulate their behaviour on response to a direction ie being told no. Sometimes that works but a lot of the time it doesn't and it is not because they are being deliberately naughty on purpose as some kind of power thing, it's just that their drive to do it, whether that's curiosity or excitement or whatever is stronger than their ability (or desire) to listen and stop themselves from doing it. In this sense if you're too late then perhaps a negative or restorative consequence is appropriate. But generally punishment is less effective than reward and reward is less effective than getting them to do the right thing by themselves. Of course you can't reason with a toddler, at this age your most effective tools for negative behaviours are prevention and redirection. They'll tend to repeat things they have done before so it's more effective to steer them away from the rubbish than to let them touch it and then wash hands (but this is a good response if you were too late).

Transitions also is something to be aware of that most young children find hard. A transition can be something big like getting a new sibling or it can be as small as changing activity e.g. finishing a game to have lunch. This is a skill we don't even realise is a skill if that makes sense but it is enormously hard for young children. Think of it like shifting gears. So you can help with this by lots of talk about the expected timetable in chunks they can understand - not in 5 minutes or at 3 o clock, but after 2 more slides, or when Peppa Pig finishes or after lunch. Events not time until they can reliably tell time.

Have fun! I love this time.

Janet Lansbury's No Bad Kids

I've just noticed your point about the food - I do think half an hour without your direct attention to distract may be a long shot at the age of 18 months! Maybe keep cooking like that for the times when your partner is home if you have one and go with quicker things in the meantime.

It's an interesting point by wine about making sure to be clear when you're displeased. I think that could definitely be useful for things you're very clear about, everyone has a different approach though.

As for your examplea - I think waiting half an hour for food when hungry at 18months is difficult, especially if fed milk on demand. I dont want mine to lose hunger cues so I would probably give some veg sticks or small thing as "starter" if she was upset about being hu ngty and having to wait half an hour. Its such a long time when you're 18months!

I dont think mine could amuse themselves for half an hour at that either so it may be more that theyve "lost" you. Maybe something to do near you in the kitchen. Playdough ?

The not touching when youve said dont touch is developmental. Theyre trying to learn why you say the things they do. "Little scientists" - oh what happens if I do touch then? Doesnt mean you should let them touch everything but might help to realise its not "naughtu" as such but just keep with the boundaries and she will learn.

Its such an intense few years and hard work. But they change so much and it is magic..m

Food wise I would keep meals quick and easy eg sandwiches, beans, soup, a little selection of crackers and bits. Another thing I find helpful is a slow cooker. You can pop a Bolognese in while she's eating breakfast and then at dinner all you need to do is cook pasta and hey presto. There's a group on FB called slow cooked wonders which has some great ideas.