Can't seem to make my life nice / less of a slog?

[paperchaindreams]

I always just wanted a nice life. I like to have lots of things to do like meeting up with friends, cinema, theatre, to look nice, have a job that uses my abilites and comands some respect. To have a nice home and to enjoy my life but feel like the harder I try and worse it gets. I'm 40 now and want a baby on top of all of this but I also think being a mother will make life even harder at this point. I am already aging rapidly. I have a job title that I like but the reality of it is a sheer slog and I find myself just getting things done rather than enjoying it or being creative.

I had a night out with friends recently and was so looking forward to it planning it but it ended up being a bit of a chore and I looked awful to boot. However if I stay in I just end up watching crap on tv feeling like I should be out there. We live in a really nice posh area but can't afford to buy so are in a grotty flat which needs a lot doing to it, has damp etc but if it all gets fixed the rent will go up which we can't afford. We could buy but only in a much worse area and I really want to be able to enjoy the lifestyle this area provides however I never seem to go out to brunch in any of the nice cafes or shop in any of the independent shops.

My husband is very no frills so doesn't like spending money on things to make our home nicer and is even trying to get rid of the few personal things i do have about the place. We both want to eat super healthy, from scratch but we can't be bothered so end up with frozen dinners most nights. I just can't seem to make my life work out as I want it to so that its nice.

I know other people do it differently live in cheaper areas or have one of them work a bit less so there can be home cooked meals and household stuff taken care of. I just can't seem to see how to do it!

You seem to want everything and set very high standards for yourself ! Having all the things you want normally takes a lot of money so that you can pay others to do things for you.

If you want a baby my personal opinion would be to buy a house in a decent but not posh area, forget about having the best of everything and trying to have it all, and TTC ASAP !!!!

We’ve always worked full time and managed home cooked meals. It’s about time management and sharing the load. If you cannnot afford to live in a posh area then live within your means elsewhere. You will still be happy.

Do you actually enjoy those things or are they things you think you should enjoy?

I went through a bit of a phase where I tried to be outgoing, social and busy. I met friends for dinner, went to the theatre, went for after work drinks with colleagues, went on weekend minibreaks, etc etc etc.

I ran myself ragged. I was exhausted and just couldn't enjoy those things because I was so tired from doing so much.

These days I stay in during the week, I've taken up a sewing hobby, I do 1-2 things at the weekend per month and take a day off work every two months to mooch around house/the town etc and just have a break. I'm much happier.

Of course maybe you do enjoy all that for real and just lack the time and money to meet your high expectations?

PS do you live in Richmond?

No not richmond but a similer area in another uk town. I do enjoy those things but as I get older have less energy and more anxiety. Work takes up so much time and energy also. I think I also look so much worse than I used to which gets me down.

I'd love to have a creative hobby but these days my hobbys are netflix and mumsnet!

You can’t change everything, you need to choose to enjoy what you have! How much time do you have after work? I’d alternate between 1 hour treating yourself (walk/ read/ browse local shops/ a walk through the local area/ cafe for coffee and cake/ bubble bath/ hairdressers, whatever) and 1 hour deep cleaning/ reorganising a room on a nightly basis- train yourself to both take time for you and to take control of your environment.
Make an effort to notice and appreciate things.
If you and your partner both want to lose weight it’s much easier together- change what you buy, decrease portions or bulk up with veg. Walk together (or run, or cycle). Little changes made a big difference to me, and it helped to weigh myself regularly and see progress (down from 13 stone to 10 since March!)
If you want a baby, go for it! Trust me, if you wait for the right time it’ll never happen. You can make this work.
Tbh I’m a little envious of your life, but I’ve leant to be happy with mine. I think being happy is a skill- you have to work at it and seek out happiness.

Your "nice life" reads to me as very very superficial. Those things even if you get them, give only temporary happiness.

You will age - d'ya think old people chose old faces? Aging is a continuous process. Love your looks today cos sure as eggs you'll look back in 10 years and think my god how young and lovely I was then!

You say you like your job title. That seems so ... sad. You like your job TITLE but not the job? Ffs find a job that gives you satisfaction.

Unless you review your relationship to what actually matters in life, I would think having a child might be a source of more dissatisfaction. What if they are not how or who you want them to be? What if as a mother you find more things to be unhappy about?

Personally I think you are someone for whom counselling might help. Why do you place such a value on appearances? Why is there this gap betweeen your "ideals" and your reality?

I think we all need to accept ageing and make peace with it, though I know it’s hard.

Focus on what you can change and accept what you can’t. I think it’s a bit about mindset really.

You don’t have children so weekends must be free to do as you please? Batch cook if you don’t have the energy in the week.

Do you exercise?

I’m struggling to see your issues really. If you don’t want to go out then don’t. We all
age, doesn’t mean you stay inside feeling shit though.

If your husband isn’t houseproud then you go and buy things you want to make the house nice.

Most people have to move to a crappier area if they want to buy. It’s the choice you make.

You are childfree so you don’t have all the demands children place on your time. You don’t have tons of washing, ferrying around to do and all the other work children involve. I’m not being mean but I look back at my childfree days fondly, I had so much more time.

If you want a baby then yes TTC asap but if you are struggling now then children don’t
make it easier.