Is moving with children aged 8 and 5 selfish?

[UrsiHun]

hey there,

after 12 years of living in Germany I am now planning on returning with my German hubby and two sons, now aged 7 and 4. We speak only English at home so the language is not going to be a barrier (of course we're not up to date with current jargon but that can be learned quickly). my older boy just started school (Germans start unfortunately at 6/7) and although he likes Enlgand he's scared of leaving friends behind. The one that matters to him most he sees only a few times a year actually but I guess it will feel far away from what he knows.

Has anyone here gone though something similar moving from far away (abroad and UK alike) with kids? Is it unfair to do that to children if could be avoided? It feels like being selfish just because I love the UK and miss the culture and the people.

Thanks in avance for your insights..

I have experience of moving with primary school age children, not from one country to another, but simply changing the village school they attended.
They coped well with the changes, but were very clear that they didn't want to move schools once they were into secondary education, which we complied with.
However, DS1 still regrets losing touch with a very good friend from his primary years... that was partly due to lack of transport, as we were skint in those days. If we'd not been reliant on public transport, we would have been able to keep it going for him.

No I don't think it's selfish if it is done with care.

Our last move was when the eldest was 6 nearly 7. We moved to an area with lots of play parks , sports and social opportunities for kids.

I found that a flexible age to move, friendship groups were still very fluid. There was a little sadness but it passed quickly.

At that point we planned to stay put until the end of education. The children are in local schools that operate catchments, no grammars, so there was no question about secondary school choice the way there is in some cities in the UK.

I would be much more wary of moving a child 9+. School and other children are becoming so much more of their lives then.
For example my kids are sociable but quite introverted and not particularly strong at breaking into established groups.

And beyond 12 it would be the bottom of my list of desirable things to do!

I think kids adjust pretty quickly and you could always arrange Skype/FaceTime calls with friends he wants to keep in touch with. If you’re going to move then I’d do it within the next year or so, definitely before you have to put applications in for secondary school.

Thank you for your messages! How does it work with secondary school applications? When are they due?
Also if we change mid primary education, is it likely to be harder to get places in primaries than for P1?

In England secondary school applications have to be in the October of year 6 (last year of primary so kids will be turning 11 in the school year).

You may find your chosen primary is oversubscribed but you can go on waiting lists and may be able to appeal for your older child’s place if your younger child gets accepted. Years Reception, 1& 2 (so ages 4-6 at start of school year) can not go above 30 children per class, years 3-6 (ages 7-10 at start of school year) can go above 30 if there are extenuating circumstances. Start of school year is September 1st.

You won’t be able to apply for places until you’re resident but you can informally ask schools/local council which schools have spaces.

This is all assuming you’re moving to England rather than wales/Scotland/Northern Ireland

Thank you TwoBlueFish. We considered Scotland for its stunning scenery but in the end decided for Birmingham where I went to uni. We have reliable job opportunities there und a couple of friends (unfortunately no kids yet so I cannot ask them about these matters).

It's unlikely that we will manage a move before DS's 8th birthday. I wonder whether moving during a year is an option or whether to wait the following September (he's gonna then turn 9). The latter is more realistic time-wise but I am worried that the longer he is at his current school, the harder it will be for him to move. Also there might be knowledge gaps as in germany they tend to take things easy till start of secondary school and then the curriculum gets really intense.

I am hoping that if we find a nice house where he can have his own room (Hamburg is very expensive so he's sharing with his little brother) and a nice little garden that he'll be inclined to move. Oh dear I am so nervous but I know that if we don't do it within the next 2 years we won't do it all..

I can't give specific advice but I would say that starting a primary school mid year is fine in my opinion. We planned to join my dh after a few months and start school in tge new school year but realised we just wanted to be together so moved up at February half term. Looking back It was better to just hit the ground running I think.

The big issue was finding a school with places. We couldn't secure that place without having a home..cue some changes in plans. We approached the local authority for advice and then arranged to go look at some schools.

Good luck!

When I say home, we arranged a rental for the first six months.

I would say that you’re fine moving part way through a school year. Be aware as well that you will have next to no credit rating left in the UK after 12 years so you may have to pay 6 months rent up front or have a guarantor.

I moved back to the Uk after 10 years in California, my kids were only 2&3 so not as much issue with school. Good luck with it all!

Thank you! Yes, we definitely need a financial buffer, which is what we're working on. I assume it is wiser to rent a house within the catchment of a good school that has places and first then look for houses to buy. Buying from abroad might be tricky. I wanted as liitle change as possible for the boys after moving hence the idea of buying straight away, however startin in a good school and then buying the right property whilst getting to know the area after moving appears to make more sense I think.

I'm so worried about knowledge gaps - my DS who is 7 is only starting to learn to read whereas in the UK children can read at the age of 5!

Not all kids can read at that point! Do not worry at this stage about knowledge gaps. That can be addressed when and if.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the knowledge gap. We found an area we liked, contacted nursery’s and then rented a house close to a nursery attached to a school we liked. We put down 6 months rent and moved into our own house 7 months later.

Thanks for the encouragement . Did you consider secondaries also as you bought your house?

I just need to keep my fingers crossed so that my husbands qualifications will be accepted for working in his profession in the UK. As soon as I know that I can start arranging everything. Very nervous about that of course.

I don't think it is selfish. Much better now then at secondary age.

You need to look at your timing ... your DH is German and the UK will be out of the UK soon due to short-sighted voters who voted out so you may have to prove you have jobs that meet the qualifying criteria income-wise to bring him in or a lot of money in savings. Immigration rules for non-EU spouses are not family friendly, I'm afraid, and they may well apply to EU spouses as well quite soon...

We did look at secondary schools in so much as we chose an council area where all the local schools are good and we had the option of selective schooling (grammar) if the kids wanted to do that. Are the kids both registered as British citizens?

No they are not. Is that necessary?

We would first apply for jobs and then move. We got an offer each informally in the children's trust.

Not necessary no but you might want to do it anyway. You can register their births at the British consulate and they’ll get British birth certificates. Might make things easier for them with Brexit looming.

Good point, TwoBlueFish!

Will I not have any credit rating if I had been paying off my student loan up until 2 years ago, which is when I completed it?

If you still had a bank account with active payments then you should still have some credit history but not much. Get yourselves on the electoral role as soon as you can as that helps. There are a couple of free services like Clear Score that let you check your credit rating.