Not that I have earned a hand hold, I think if anyone recognises my username it will be attached to antagonism, grouchiness and pro-trans rants. But on the off chance there's anyone who likes me out here...
I have severe anxiety. I guess I also have a pretty low sense of self worth. Earlier this week I went to an autism referral appointment which I be waited a long time for (post code NHS services...I was told about 5 years ago that I scored well within the autistic spectrum on initial tests but couldnt take it further due to lack of services in the area I was living). At this appointment they disagreed. She thinks that I do have various aspects that are like autism, but severe anxiety is what is driving my fear, isolation, control, etc. I thought I had a reason for thinking the way I do, acting the way I do, being scared of the irrational things I fear. But now I find I don't. I'm just a fuck up in many, many areas. My anxiety has spiralled this week. My good friend and colleague left on Wednesday to move to America and I'm utterly lost without him sitting by my side. It's only been one working day without him and already I miss him like crazy. He had really helped me over the past year and I have seen some much improvement which I owe to him. He is a good, kind soul. Of course I'll keep in touch, but it's not the same.
I self harmed. Only a burn. Nothing drastic. Just punishment for finding out I'm a fuck up.
I'm about to call the GP and see if I can get an emergency appointment for today. I know there's nothing else I can do but go and look for more help. I just needed to vent the fear and frustration. Hell, even if nobody reads this, it's helped me relax.
I am not a risk to myself, so please nobody concern yourself with that. I want to live a long and happy life. I'm just scared.