One DC state, one private - is this fair?

[Gonzoo]

DC1 goes to a private prep which we are very happy with. We never intended to do go the private school route with any DC but DC1 never settled into the state school nursery and ended up with an autism diagnosis. DC1 then attended an autism pre-school where they really came on leaps and bounds. The autism pre-school recommended we look at a private prep for them. It's required a lot financial acrobatics but we've made it work and DC1 is very happy and settled.

DC2 has come along rather unexpectedly and is neurotypical. We can't afford to send both to private school. My plan is to send DC2 to a state primary then offer for them to go private at secondary. Because of the large age gap we will end up essentially paying one set of fees but for longer as they will only overlap in senior school by a year.

The problem is that having seen the state school options I can see just how much nicer an experience DC1 will have. If you were DC2 would you feel hard done by?

I don't think it's so bad to go state primary for your NT and it's easier to explain why your DC1 needed the size/facilities etc of a private pre-prep if they have additional needs. I would ensure DC2 had access to extra help outside of school if needed though (which would be cheaper than extra pre-prep fees).

However, I think it would only be fair to pay for them both to go to the private secondary if DC1 goes and DC2 wants to.

Eeek it's difficult. If you can't afford it you can't afford it. We have 2 kids, we chose to go state from primary and private for secondary. I couldn't do for one and not the other, I think it could lead to resentment.

Totally agree. Normal primary with coaching in year 5/6 then private secondary.

Can you talk to the school and see what bursaries are available? It's a massive investment in one child over the other.

But if you can’t afford it what can you do. I would def tutor dc2 for yrs 5/6 so they can get into the private secondary and aren’t behind.

I think it might well be fine.

I'm one of three - my older brother was very badly bullied at school. He clearly isn't neurotypical, though my parents never sought a diagnosis - he's both very bright, and socially very awkward, and at age 11 he couldn't write more than three or four sentences. His writing is still awful as an adult. He won a scholarship to private school a year early, so he went. My younger brother is dyslexic, and was struggling massively in state primary school, where they'd given up on trying to teach him and he spent his days colouring in three ducks in a pond and being told it was 'numeracy studies'.

Both of them needed to be taken out of the state schools that were available to my parents at the time. Like you, my parents thought I (the middle child) should be sent to private school too, 'to be fair'. I can totally see why they thought that, and I don't think I am ungrateful, but I also do think that, looking back, I would have understood completely if they'd not sent me. Children notice much more than people think about how their siblings struggle, and they understand.

I wouldn't guarantee I wouldn't have tried on the odd stroppy 'but DB gets this and I don't' guilt-trip, but it wouldn't have meant anything. I could see my brothers were in real need, and I wasn't.

People may say that sending DC1 private and DC2 to a state school could lead to resentment from DC2 - but could removing DC1 from their prep, just to ensure “equality” with DC2, not equally cause resentment from DC1? If you only have the ability to afford one set of fees at the moment, and can offer DC2 the opportunity at secondary level, then I think you’re absolutely justified in going ahead as you suggest. Treating your DC fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same.

I can't comment on this particular situation but my DSis was at private and I was state educated for secondary school. There were valid reasons for it being done that way, and I completely understood them - it hasn't caused any resentment of any sort, and we're very close. From my own experience I think people worry a lot about this whereas children are generally quite able to handle bigger concepts than things having to be the same for it to be fair.

We currently have one in private and one state. Older one in private and only just started so did up to year 5 in state and younger one currently in year 3 so it’s not unfair yet.

I spend a lot of time working out how to send dc2 as well though.

Dc1 does have some quirks though. They weren’t coping. It’s a long story blah blah.

Dd3 has been state until year 9, whereas her sisters were private from year 4 (financial reasons).

She's done amazingly, she's way beyond where her sisters were at this age. She's far more resilient and gets on with anyone. Shes off to private school next September but she probably would have done brilliantly at state. She's going purely because her sisters did and I don't want her to feel she's missed out (she wants to go).

Could you start out by thinking about what kind of child DC2 is beyond autistic vs neurotypical.

This might help you to pick a route based on needs/aptitudes rather than finances.

By this I mean things like sporty, artistic, musical, outdoorsy, mathematical, good at dance.

That way you tailor the path to the child, beyond the state vs prep. So maybe an option like a Montessori school, which would have fees but maybe not as much as the prep. Or investment in sports coaching, dance, music or art lessons alongside the state experience. If the child is bright then investigate options like scholarships plus same family discounts.

I say this because I think if I thought my parents thought more about my siblings needs and potential than they did about mine, and invested more of their resources into fulfilling those needs and that potential, then yes I would resent it. However, resources aren’t solely money, so if my parents had thought equally about fulfilling my needs and potential and found a route that was just as well suited but not as expensive I would probably feel differently.

Different kids have different needs. You have to do what’s right for each, and within your means. Agree treating fairly doesn’t always mean equally: I say that as someone with 4 sibs, who had varied education (some state, some private) based on need. I got state educated, and really don’t resent sibs privately educated. All done equally well and agree with view that kids know if sibs different/struggling and understand the logic. I do sometimes tease my parents about it though!

Don’t think it’s a problem. Brother went to private school, I didn’t.

Personally no, my autistic elder daughter would have benefited from the small classes and calm at private but we couldn't afford for both so didn't, ironically the younger is now private but only because she has a bursary (just sixth form)

Eldest went state primary from nursery to year 6, middle did same state primary for nursery, reception and year 1 before moving to prep, youngest only did nursery at the state school before prep from reception.

At the time the state school was excellent and it went downhill from year 4 but DS was happy so we tutored and left him there. middle hated the state school, we needed to move her quickly so went private. By the time youngest was at school the state school was dire so he went prep. Absolutely not an issue at all, we did what suited each one at the time and paying fees had no impact on our lives so eldest didn’t miss out

Youngest still in prep but the others are at state secondary. I know so many people with one in each, although granted the state schools are all excellent and have v middle class cohorts but other than on MN it’s just not even a conversation topic

Thank you for all the feedback. To be honest I hadn't really thought about what type of child DC2 is because DC2 is only 2 years old. But it's a good point for the future to make sure we nurture their interests as much as possible. I did look at the local Montessori prep but I imagine it's very hard to transfer from there to a mainstream private secondary. We make too much for a bursary and DC1s school is single sex so no same family discount is possible.

DC2 does have a small amount of money set aside for them that we will add to as they get older whereas no such fund exists for DC1.

In this case I wouldn’t feel hard done by if I were DC2. You were planning to send both to state but DC1 needed something different.
No doubt if DC2 needed a tutor or wanted to go to swimming training 4x week when older, you would do your upmost to accommodate their needs/wants.

My daughter passed the Mensa test at 12 . As she was bullied at school we thought we’d give her , her chance at a private school.
She did well .
Though we told her it was only till her gcse’s Then back to the state 6 th form.
After securing a good job in an it firm on an excellent salary she gave it up when her first child was born and now home educates all three.

Her younger brother was horrified we’d do the same to him. We couldn’t afford to send two. He loved school . It was his social life. He left with a very mediocre clutch of gcse’s .
Her other brother just breezed along doing his own thing. He got slightly better GCSEs but became a single dad at 21 so thoughts of university went out of the window.

My daughter when she realised she didn’t have to have good grades to get into any one of her 6 uni choices told me last week that she set out to have a good time at 6 th form and had a blast. 😱 and left with two a level passes out of 4 , at low grades.
Everyone is doing alright. Healthy, happy...that’s the main thing.

Was going to write the same as YetAnotherThing. You have to do what's in the best interests of each child, so your decision may be equitable rather than "fair". If dc2 has any complaints in years to come, you will be able to explain your reasoning behind your decision. They will probably understand based on their knowledge of their sibling.

If dc2 will be able to thrive and learn well in a state school, why not? It's the route you would have taken with dc1 if they had been able to cope there and do well, isn't it?

I could not afford private school for any of mine but I currently home educate one, while the other goes to state school, so get the 'unfair' worries.

I did not choose to pull DD out of school, I was forced into it, y her being badly bullied and her generally not doing well. DS, on the other hand, gets on well, has a good group of friends and would not leave the house if it wasn't for school.

I am doing what is best for both of my children, but that 'best' is different for each of them.

I do think it is the same for you too.

This image sums it up for me.