Coping methods for badly behaved children?

[HoraceWimple]

I can’t cope, my son is driving me crazy. He has adhd and odd and is full on all of the time.
The older he gets the more ungrateful he becomes. Nothing is good enough and if he doesn’t get his own way he kicks off, lashes out and tries to break anything in sight. It’s exhausting! Once he gets in this mood he refuses to comply with anything and makes everything hard work.

I can feel my heart rate increasing, almost feels like a panic attack coming on when he is at his worst. I try and remove him from the situation but doing that can take a while as he is getting big and does not want to be removed.
I try and take myself away to breathe for a few minutes and he goes after his sibling.

I find it so hard to keep calm and patient during these episodes, my heart is banging and I just want to run out the door and never come back.

Does anyone else have a child like this? I’m in desperate need of coping mechanisms for myself and tips to help us have a happy life at home.

I have a similar child. It’s really hard. He’s 9 and in the pipeline for asd diagnosis.

I’m not sure I have any specific strategies that have worked, it’s more that I avoid that I know doesn’t work. I don’t get angry (or at least try not to)or emotional. I try to keep sanctions clear (ie not brushing your teeth - no sweets tomorrow) and consistent. I try to avoid trigger situations. I’ve realised that his behaviour is not my fault.

I’m sure you do all these. We’ve noticed his behaviour has got better recently and I don’t think that’s down to us, it’s down to him.

I recognise what you say about it almost being like a panic attack. When he has a meltdown, I’m terrified of not being able to cope. I can’t make him do anything. He’s too big to pick up and stick over my shoulder. He learned when he was 3 that if he lay on the floor and had a tantrum I couldn’t pick him up.

Thinking about it, the only thing that does have an effect during a meltdown is to use humour, and make a joke of it, although it’s hard for me as if he’s having a meltdown, I’m far too stressed for all that. It’s usually his dad that has more success with it as a strategy.

Take care lovely, it’s not easy.

Similar child, similar age here. I looked into Non Violent Resistance and PACE. Also joined National Association of Therapeutic Parenting for help with the above. A book called The Explosive Child is well recommended. Oh, and Fluoxetine (for me) (Child is on different meds). Hang on in there xx

I second Chipinthesugar with therapeutic parenting strategies.
Bring everything right down to a few non-negotiables. Lots of praise, sympathy, understanding and lovebombing. Natural consequences for bad behaviour rather than punishment. I find this helps to avoid a negative cycle of punishment and rebellion.
Try to be kind to yourself. These are not neuro-typical children. What works for N.T children will not work for your son. It isn't his fault and it isn't yours either. All you can do is try and guide him.
Ignore anyone who says 'my child would never dare' or 'why dont you try discipline' most really don't have a clue how hard parenting a child with additional needs can be.

I feel your pain. I got a book from Amazon about low arousal techniques.
I eat. I had a panic attack a few weeks ago about being completely overwhelmed by supporting my ds. He has asc and add. We've also got four anger rules I got online and a range of stuff to do to get the anger out appropriately. Not really working because he doesn't engage. Do you have CAMHS involved? Also ring children's services for help.
I'm also taking antidepressants!!

Thanks for your replies. I’m usually pretty good at being patient and neutral, heaping on the positive praise etc but I just couldn’t be arsed yesterday. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself I suppose.
Woke up in a much more positive mood this morning.

I’ll havs a look at the anger rules as I’ve not heard of them before.

It’s just hard some days isn’t it.

Same here. My heart races when 10yr old DD is slowly losing it and I can't minimise her anger.
I think I'm going to get trouble this evening as she wasn't happy about school this morning.

pool oh gosh, yes. My 10yr old will dare to try and smash her window and pour water in the electrics. All common sense goes out the window when she loses it.

Watching with interest. At 5 DS does not have a diagnosis but everything mentioned on here is done by him. School already has a referral to CAMHS in place and SEN support lined up. I find keeping calm and smoothing out transitions helps, but I am mostly hunting in the dark for new techniques! I will take a look at the explosive child.

Oh no, fingers crossed she’s been distracted and you have a relatively peaceful evening!

I dread him getting older. Everyone says they grow out of adhd, but I’m not so sure. Plus it’s not just the adhd, it’s the little side symptoms that come with it. I don’t know how I will cope with him.

Going to have a look at the explosive child book. Any other recommendations?

yvonnenewbold.com/resources-on-send-vcb/violent-challenging-behaviour-the-basics/

Take a look at this. I've found this to be very useful.

I’d also recommend The Explosive Child for recognising behaviour patterns, minimising escalating behaviour and understanding behaviour.

Yvonne Newbold mentioned above does some good stuff. I'm wondering if all the above posters are on the TP and Yvonne's Facebook pages that I'm on 

The Post Institute is another good fb page.

Hope you've had a better day x

Don't know whereabouts you are in the country, but I came across this conference at Derby University - it's in a couple of weeks.
Link here: derbyshireaft.wordpress.com/upcoming-workshops-and-events/day-conference-events/

Hope you've had a better day today x

Details:

Venue: University of Derby, Kedleston Road, Derby
Thursday 15th November 2018: 9.15-4.30: Cost £20

Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) &
Systemic Therapy, Thinking and Practice

This conference will introduce and showcase systemic thinking and practice in relation to non-violent resistance. NVR has a growing international evidence base demonstrating applicability for and success in supporting families in relation to children and adults who present aggressive and violent behaviours. This includes work with Autistic Spectrum (ASD) and Attention Deficit (ADHD) difficulties, offending behaviours, drug and alcohol concerns and self harm. The day will feature a wide range of presentations exploring innovative and creative practice. There will be an emphasis upon how families experience the approaches and several of them will be joining us to share how NVR has influenced their lives.

Connective Parenting using NVR is another good FB page.