My partner is at doctors threatening suicide

[Tattandthis]

previous thread here

just don't k ow what to do right now

Has anyone been through this

Am with kids so can't go

It's hard because they asked when she was sat there as she told them we had seperate d but she was already in tears explaining her past so I said the truth. That we were both ill and I feel we are dragging each other down and right now I need to work on myself.

I still feel like I can't say it directly.

And she is living here. I understand that is confusing for her but if she wants to leave she can but I'm not making her.

Is there any way you and the kids can leave? It can't possibly be healthy for you to be under the same roof in this!

Agree with pp - the system will push you into the role of "carer" unless you resist with every ounce of strength. I know you do care but you need to not do so "officially" - being there during assessments, advocating on her behalf, generally being part of this, is all going to put you in a position of being pressured to accept responsibility for her.

Imagine if instead of having been in a relationship, you were just housemates who didn't particularly have any responsibility for one another and weren't particularly friends as such. How much less entangled could your lives be? You need to take several steps back because the state will simply not step in if you are there as backup.

No. It's my home. Why would I leave?

The poor women is ill, Tenor
You don't just walk away from people you love. That's hardly going to help with her recovery, is it

And she IS my friend and I won't abandon her.

I will help her get the support she needs. Just because we aren't a couple doesnt mean she has to struggle through this by herself.

What a tough situation. I hope you have some real life support for yourself

OP, really sorry you are going through this. I understand that you are a kind person and a good friend, however, your partner is unlikely to leave of her own volition even if the situation is horrendous. You said she has BPD, and an aspect of that is a fear of abandonment and some people will go to extreme lengths or put up with terrible situations to avoid being alone. I am not at all saying suicide threats are a ploy, your partner sounds very unwell at the moment. It might actually be kinder in the long run to get her to leave, otherwise the situation will just keep on going, or you will end up in this very predicament next time. I have a EUPD/BDP diagnosis (that I disagree with but hey) and although I don’t have the fear of abandonment issues, I know that in the past breaking up with people was much more bearable when it was a clean break, and certainly where we did not live together, or spend time together. Having to face the person you love every day when you are separating is pure torture. Your partner now has support in place from the crisis team. This might actually be a very good time for your partner to move out as she has the support that she needs already in place.

If she had a job/savings/friends/a place to go it would be an option but could you throw someone you care deeply about out on the streets when they are suicidal?

This is an awful situation for you to be in. You're basically being held hostage by her threats. In your own home.

I think if she's getting help, now is a good time to discuss her moving out. Can you speak to someone in her team and say you can't do this.

You are a parent, and your priority is to your DC.

tattandthis your ex is vulnerable, she is under the crisis team, they would not let her go on the streets. The authorities would have to find her somewhere to go or put her in hospital. People with MH problems do end up homeless (been there, twice, know others too). There are things out there, but whilst your ex is with you these avenues will not be explored. A person with BDP, currently with the crisis team will not end up on the streets as this would be a massive failing in their duty of care. Have you spoken to anyone in the crisis team about housing/hospital options?

She's not your friend. She's your ex partner. You need to stop blurring the lines. You seem as dependant on her as she is on you, and both have MH issues. Not a great combination. Either focus on you, or accept your her crutch. I'm sorry- but it's so hard when you're in it to get out. If you do t allow her to use your address, other accomodation will have to be found- even if that is a psych unit. She's holding you to ransom, by threatening self harm. If you want to feed in to that, then you need to accept that's a choice you are making.

Why can't she be my friend.

My last ex is my absolute best friend. We talk every day and go cinema etc and he's the father of my kids. He comes round for dinner and stays at Christmas. We are all family.

If she wants stay in our family I would love that. It's her choice. If she can't handle it she can go but it's up to her.

You might find that weird but I've been in poly relationships so I find it completely normal.

Hmmm.

I think we will have to have another talk to cement these things.

I'm not dependant on her. I was a single mum for 2 years. I can do it alone easily.

But your last ex doesn't have MH issues, nor is wanting to end their life. It's great that you can be friends, but I'm not sure blurring the lines with your current ex in the middle of a MH crisis is helpful.

Others are right that while you're there to take responsibility, that is what will happen. That works fine if you want to be in a relationship with her but doesn't help breaking up if you're her sounding board, attending appointments, advocating for her, living together. Even with out MH issues, I would find that confusing, living with an ex who I didn't want to break up with.

But isn't it better than throwing her out in the street. The partner has the choice to make. Not OP.

OP is saying she can stay as a friend or leave. Its a fair choice.

You really think your suicidal BPD ex girlfriend will be able to stay in your family just as friends? Open your eyes. You have children to protect. You and she aren't friends - she's dependent on you. You both meet her endless need for attention and trigger her abandonment fears at the same time. You aren't good for her. You can't help her or be her friend. It's not kind to try.

It's not my decision. It's hers.

I'm not going to kick her out. If she wants yo leave then it's going to be on her decision.

I will not throw her out. But she know we aren't together.

I know you think you’re being kind.
But you really aren’t. Not to her, not to your kids, not to yourself.
You need to choose health, not codependence. You’re both too mentally unwell to be able to be this for each other at the moment.

You and she aren't friends - she's dependent on you.

Pretty clear that dependence is mutual, OP wants the best of both worlds.

I don't know what the answer is but this is a horribly screwed up situation.

OP if you say it has to be your ex’s decision to leave, be prepared for that to never, ever happen.

I can see OP's point about not wanting to kick her out though - is there somewhere safe for the ex-gf to go?

There should be, as she's clearly very unwell, but is there in actual fact some reasonable place she will be housed? Or will it be a dubious council hostel with all kinds of people coming and going and really not safe for a very mentally ill vulnerable woman?

op it sounds like your trying to lessen the guilt by letting her stay

you have said yourself you are dragging each other down by being together,so how is that going to work?

it sounds tough op

This woman is mentally unstable and delusional that you still have a relationship. She isn't going to leave. Ever. She will make your life hell but more importantly she will have a permanent negative impact on the wellbeing of your children. You are living in cloud cuckoo land. Letting her stay and saying that leaving has to be her choice is only delaying the time when she actually gets the help she needs. You are not acting in ANYONE'S best interests by keeping this going - not yours, not hers, not your kids.