Should we separate?

[Busymumma21]

Hi all,

I’m hoping to get some much needed advice from people who have been in a similar situation........

About a year ago, my partner had an affair for about 5 months, we hadn’t been getting on well for a while, just grown apart really and arguing lots and I had suspected........

He asked for a second chance, we have a young Daughter (6) and have been together for 17 years, so it seemed like the right thing to do all round.

For the first two months he made an effort and our non-existent sex life suddenly had a new lease of life and was better than it had been for years........... however it soon stopped and excuses of being tired etc were made!

We don’t have a sex life anymore and there is not much affection, in fact the dog gets more attention than I do from him! I don’t think he is having another affair but can’t be 100% I did find some flirty messages between him and a female customer/friend of his but I think it was nothing further........

He is an alcoholic and things got so bad this summer that he became violent for the first time. He realised that he had gone too far this time and has now been Sober for almost two months which is great.

I thought he would miraculously change and be more interested in me and having a sex life but if anything he has less and less interest. He has also started to try and knock my confidence in small but hurtful ways......

Our lives are so tangled together, but I’m really not happy and I don’t think he must be either............. it’s such a scary thought of breaking up as we have been part of each other’s lives for so long and have our Daughter together. There is no way he would agree to any form of counselling.....

Any advice would be greatly appreciated........I feel so confused about our relationship most of the time and I’m normally a very decisive person......... x

If I were you then yes I would end the relationship. Affair, alcoholism and abuse. Toxic trio!

I think you've given it a good go and forgiven him an affair, supported him dealing with his alcohol issues, but the violence and now lack of interest speaks volumes. I would guess you are only asking because you know separating is right for you, but feel that somehow it signals failure on your part?

You've been amazing to stay with him this long, but now it's time for him to go. He's not making you happy - in fact he's making you really unhappy. His alcoholism won't suddenly cure itself. He won't become loving - he's used to getting his sexual kicks from others now.

You have one life - do you really want to spend it being treated like this?

Putting your and his feelings aside, you need to leave for your daughter's sake. Her emotional wellbeing of seeing her parents being like this is worth far more.

Thank you v much for the advice.
Wowfudge I’m worried that I make the wrong decision and then regret it later......... I don’t have much family to support me, so I would be pretty much on my own, although i have some close friends but they have families of their own and can’t always be around......
I’m worried about tearing my little girls world apart, she loves her Dad but there is a lot of arguing.......I guess he is all I have ever known and although I know the relationship is toxic I’m just scared of walking away and starting again.
Financially etc we are stronger together too, although we would both be okay apart.......just so much of our lives are joined together.
Sometimes I think I should be happy with my lot and feel a bit selfish for wanting things to be different when in reality the grass isn’t always greener x

The grass needs cutting both sides of the fence op but you need to decide whether you’ve got the energy to tend the lawn you have. I’m never one to chuck LTB around but he is being intentionally hurtful to you, on top of all the things he’s already done! Alcoholic, affair and violence, is he trying to push you into making the decision to separate so he doesn’t have to??
You really need to listen to your head and not your heart here. Your dd may well love her dad but putting yourself at risk whether physically or mentally, is not ok. Dd will be upset at you separating but she will get over it, you on the other hand could well still be suffering from his abuse for years to come if you stay.

It's hard making that decision-I remember feeling like that-"what if I decide to separate" but once the decision was made, I realised just how miserable I had been. That's not to say the first few weeks were easy but they got better and now all I feel is relief. Please don't waste your life on this man-you and your dd are worth so much more. Good luck