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Original poster

Why would you regret having another baby?

24 replies

NCNovice · 31/10/2018 15:58

I may be a bit naive, but please could you give me reasons why you would genuinely regret having another baby?
DH and I have one DC (almost 5) and DH has 2 grown up DCs from his previous relationship. We've always wanted 2+ but now he seems to have changed his mind. I know having kids can change your relationship and we have had some issues in recent years (not saying because of DC!). He tells me he doesn't want any more at the moment...We are not getting any younger (I'm in my late 30s and he is older than me) and I have been ready for another baby for some years now. I really wouldn't want to wait much longer.
I understand that each baby is different, times can be hard, babies unwell etc. But genuinely, why would you regret having another?
Both DH and I grew up with siblings and I want the same for my DC.
This makes me so sad. I certainly don't think I can wait for a couple more years hoping that DH may change his mind. I know I sound very strict about this and want him to give me a straight answer, yes or no.
He doesn't give me a clear answer as to why he is so against it now.
Even DC is asking for a little brother or a sister. So it is only DH who is against it. I don't know how to feel or what to do. DH won't discuss this anymore.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 31/10/2018 16:00

I don't think any of us can help if your DH can't articulate his feelings on this. All anyone can do is to offer their own reasons which may or may not be relevant. Is that going to help?

SoyDora · 31/10/2018 16:03

Because it puts a strain on your finances.
Because it puts a strain on your relationship.
Because it makes family life more difficult.
Because you can’t cope with the sleep deprivation again.
Because having another child is a massive adjustment for everyone.

There are so many reasons people could regret having another child. Unless he tells you, however, you’ll have no idea of the reason he doesn’t want one.

Original poster

NCNovice · 31/10/2018 16:04

You are right, I don't know. I just feel so sad about it and have no one IRL I feel like I could talk to.

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stopitandtidyupp · 31/10/2018 16:04

As above I can tell you why I don't want another but that doesn't answer why for your husband.

The thought of another actually makes me shudder.

Twirlbites1 · 31/10/2018 16:07

Because it would destroy my marriage. I wouldn’t actually regret having the baby, and I’d love it unconditionally like I love the 2 DC that we have. DH didn’t really want DC2 (but completely loves him) isn’t a baby person and copes badly with sleep deprivation, we really struggled through the baby and toddler years. He’d love to give me DC3 but we both know it would probably be the end of us.

greatbigwho · 31/10/2018 16:10

Because I don’t want one.

I can’t afford it, I don’t want to go through pregnancy and the newborn stage again, I don’t want another child. I don’t want to change my life entirely again to accommodate another child. We don’t have the room. We’d have to get a new car.

There’s myriad reasons, but my main one is I don’t want one. And that should be enough.

GemmeFatale · 31/10/2018 16:13

Your child does have siblings

AnonEvent · 31/10/2018 16:14

I don't think I'd actively regret the existence of a second child, I'd obviously love them dearly.

BUT I am staunchly 'one and done', for the following reasons:

We have the right amount of time, patience and money to give one child a good life, a second would put too much strain on those things.

We have a happy life, we get along well, it's stressful at time, sure, but as a family unit we work.

Every stage our daughter enters is my new favourite stage, I don't want to start again.

dontalltalkatonce · 31/10/2018 16:14

But genuinely, why would you regret having another?

Loads of reasons. Financial, sleep deprivation, if you have a child with SN. So many people just take it for granted they'll pop out a healthy kid who will stay that way. I have a son with autism and it's changed our lives so radically. We stopped having more children after he came along because we couldn't take the risk of having another child with SN and believe me, it's very hard work. If we weren't so solid and in complete agreement about having him at all it would have likely ended our marriage. Our earning is compromised a lot, too.

Honestly, though, this can be a risk you take when you decide to take up with a person who already has kids and you don't. I didn't go out with men who had kids for htis reason among others. The person may change their minds. It's unfair for you, but well, it's a risk when the other party already has several kids and you can't force someone to have more kids.

You're free to walk away if it's a dealbreaker.

Since he's the one who doesn't want more, however, he should be the one to assume responsibility for contraception and I'm make that clear to him, that you won't be doing the birth control anymore if it doesn't suit you and that if there's a pregnancy you won't go the abortion route to suit him.

RiverTam · 31/10/2018 16:16

because the idea of going back to baby and toddlerhood and how restrictive that is, at a time when your DD is becoming more independent, doesn't feel like a positive move. And that's a pretty big age gap, I know people with this kind of gap and their kids are just on completely different pages of their lives which makes things quite hard.

But then I really didn't like the early years, and 5 is just when you feel you can get your life back, as it were.

Yogagirl123 · 31/10/2018 16:26

We agreed on two, when I was pregnant with my second child, I did wonder if I may have a third, but DS2 was a very difficult baby, so we stopped at two. We had a small gap, they are very close brothers, which is lovely. Pleased now that we stuck at two due to financial cost and my health would have made things hard for us.

Loopytiles · 31/10/2018 16:29

His reasons are his reasons! Given his age, relationship history and that he has 3DC not hard to understand why he doesn’t want DC4.

confusedandemployed · 31/10/2018 16:36

Any number of reasons, my particular ones for stopping at one are:
Money
Time
Everything seems so much easier for me than for my friends with 2+. Days out are enjoyable for me, a stressful and tedious chore for them.
I don't have to think twice about doing anything with DD because there isn't the same strain on finances, patience or time.
Easier to leave for the odd night with GPs.
I would really really not want a second.

Original poster

NCNovice · 31/10/2018 16:38

Thanks all. I know I am being selfish and unrealistic with my desire to have another baby.

OP posts:

siakcaci · 31/10/2018 16:40

Him not wanting another baby isn't regret?

He just doesn't want another child. That's reasonable.

QuilliamCakespeare · 31/10/2018 16:45

I have two and don't regret it at all but it's an absolutely different ball game to having one. It's definitely more than double the work, perhaps your DH knows this if he has two from a previous relationship.

Satsumaeater · 31/10/2018 16:49

So many people just take it for granted they'll pop out a healthy kid who will stay that way

I know if you thought about what could go wrong you'd never have a kid but when I had my son and he was healthy and I was still intact as well I decided to quit while I was ahead. I wasn't going to risk being less fortunate a second time around.

AnonEvent · 31/10/2018 16:50

Don't be a (to)martyr you're not being Thanks all. I know I am being selfish and unrealistic with my desire to have another baby. your desire is entirely natural, the only selfish or unrealistic thing would be to try to coerce your husband to change his view.

dontalltalkatonce · 31/10/2018 16:50

Yeah, see, Satsuma, I was already in my late 30s. The risks do increase. They just do. So we stopped.

Escolar · 31/10/2018 16:55

I know I am being selfish and unrealistic with my desire to have another baby

No, no, you're not at all! I'm sure none of the posters meant that. It's just that your DH isn't being unreasonable either. It's one of those things when there's no right or wrong, it's just how you feel.

I do think he's being unreasonable refusing to discuss it at all. But that's probably because he feels it wouldn't be productive - with you saying "I want one" and him saying "well I don't".

Sadly it's not something you can compromise on.

Loopytiles · 31/10/2018 16:56

It’s not selfish to want another DC, but nor is it selfish not to want one.

May well not be the case for your DH but some people who are not with the mother/father of their first DC to have more DC with a new partner partly to try to keep their new relationship. have a few friends who have said this explicitly. Must occur to men now with a younger woman without children. After DC with that person and all the reality of it (again) a further DC may be too much!

TillyVonMilly · 31/10/2018 17:06

He may well be thinking about his age an energy for raising another child. If he’s mid to late 40’s he could well not really fancy going through the teenage years when he’s 60+ but only he can tell you the reason

Original poster

NCNovice · 31/10/2018 17:22

It's tricky right? I would have to compromise, I'm just worried that I would resent it.

OP posts:

amusedbush · 31/10/2018 17:25

Don’t look to much into your child asking for a sibling. I wanted a sibling and was 6 when my brother was born. The age gap was awful as my parents couldn’t keep us entertained by the same things when he was little, then he got a bit older and was REALLY annoying, then when I was a teenager he would take my stuff and mess up my room when I wasn’t home. We fought like cat and dog pretty much from the moment he uttered his first word and then I moved out when he was 14. We’re 22 and 28 now and I see him maybe twice a year.

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