Advice for dealing with VERY high level work stress/preparing for disappointment?

[WheredidtheMortificadosGo]

My DH is currently awaiting the result of an important make or break work matter and it is likely to be at least couple more months before he knows.

Without being outing, imagine it's like waiting for the results of medical consultant exams or whether you are being appointed a US Supreme Court Judge or Field Marshall or the result of a PhD or whether you've got a Nobel prize - it's that kind of career importance level. BUT its worse because this is a one time shot for him - if he doesn't get it this time, he just won't get it.

I've never seen him like this. He is in a high stress state. His job is normally high stress and it washes over him. Last night he mentioned that he was trying to mentally prepare himself for disappointment and thinking that he was going to be so destroyed if he doesn't get it, that he won't cope.

I work in a high stress job myself so am used to handling that but this is a different level - and I'm more worried about preparing him mentally for disappointment. His approach is if he doesn't succeed, his work life is broken forever.

Has anyone got experience of anything similar and any advice?

How can I help him deal with this emotionally and prepare for disappointment so he can cope? I don't think it can be healthy for him to stay in this state for months and I don't think I can cope with it either!

Any help much appreciated.

If it doesn't go his way what happens to his career? Will it stall it will he need to leave? Will there be consequences (ie pay cut so you can't pay the mortgage)? What is the very worst case scenario?

Is he up against other people or is it just him being judged? Has he thought about what happens at work of he doesn't get the good outcome (is it really all that good?)

Fekko - his career and income will be fine - it's more about his own reaction and self-perception.

He's very near the top of the top - so he will just continue being near to the top.

It's hard to describe really without outing him - but if you think of someone in Hilary Clinton's position and say your whole life you had worked towards X (in that case the presidency), then you get to the place where X is just in reach but you are in that zone where you may have the prize or may not have the prize. And you know this is your last shot.

Instead of it being 24 hours for an election result, you have to wait months to find out. Obviously this isn't the same as the presidency (!) but for him it means the same careers wise if that makes sense.

A rational person would look at DH and think he had achieved a huge amount anyway -but that's not really my question.

Given he feels the way he feels, what can I do to prepare him for disappointment or support him through his waiting stress period?

Or any suggestions of things that he can do for himself?

Sorry can’t think of much in the way of practical help except - does he have a coach who could provide regularly? Work through emotional issues? Can he reach out to others through networks (his own or like TED or similar)? Does he have faith or something else big that could ground with perspective? What does getting to the top mean to him? What is he assuming happens if he doesn’t get there? I bet there are inspirational figures from other industries he could read about or reach out to. Whatever works for him. Sometimes when work is seriously stressful I read Marcus Aurelius - meditations. Sometimes a science thing - I’m not a scientist and enjoy getting different perspective

Is this a partnership interview in a law firm or other professional services type firm? If so, start speaking to recruiters to look for a move in case things don't work out. Then there is a plan B

I appreciate that we don't know what the job/prize/accolade is, but you need to talk to him about best case scenario v worse case scenario, in a very calm way.
Talk to him about not be dramatic.

When you are in any situation, it feels big. But a few years down the line, you realise it was just an incident, just a stage.

He needs to see this.

I know what you mean OP. My DH’s self worth is massively related to his career and he’s a complete workaholic.

What worked for him a few months ago was regular enforced phone free time / going for a run. Plus family time where phones were banned and he got to decide what we were doing - it made him feel a bit more in control, if that makes sense? He also got obsessively into meal planning- I think it was a diversion.

We also did scenario planning - what would happen if it happened, what his steps were if it didn’t. In the end it didn’t and he’s now said a couple of months down the line that he’s glad it went that way.

Ultimately it was a very stressful time and it took his mentor pointing out the strain on the family for him to realise what he’d put me through. Now the tables are turned and he’s massively stepped up to support me - things like bringing me a cup of tea when he gets up, taking on the school admin - so that I free up some headspace.

Gobbolino - no it's much closer to a single thing that is a one-off not to be replicated - think of being president or winning a Nobel prize or being made commander in chief of the army. It's not a plan B type situation where he can just move because it's not that sort of thing.

I think the problem is like if you were training elite athletes to win a gold medal - while they are in the process they aren't engaged to prepare for failure because they need to focus on winning. That is probably less of an issue as a race is so immediate and you can deal with it afterwards.

There probably isn't any real way to prepare for disappointment for something like this. I'm just worried that if it is a worst case scenario, he is going to plunge into a deep depression/feel as if he is a total failure.

@Collectorofcookbooks

We also did scenario planning - what would happen if it happened, what his steps were if it didn’t. In the end it didn’t and he’s now said a couple of months down the line that he’s glad it went that way

Ah - thanks - this is a good idea. Sounds like you've been through something similar!

strategic planning is what he needs - in fact, you need to do together.

? What happens if x does happen - positive outcome to career/family/self?

? What happens if x does not happen - same breakdown - career/family/self. Will he change jobs? If so, look at where he may want to line up some connections. Will he change careers, if indeed he can't bear continuing without x happening? If so, look at what might be of interest and attainable. Will he continue where he is, and what will that do to his self-worth?

The first thing you can discuss is what happens to the family / your relationship if he does not get x. Will he be able to see himself the same, and indeed will you? If he knows that you are okay with whatever the outcome is, it may make it easier.

Sheesh. Times like these when you just want to curl up and go to sleep until it is over. Such stress!

Thank you @2018SoFarSoGreat

Will he be able to see himself the same, and indeed will you? If he knows that you are okay with whatever the outcome is, it may make it easier.

Yes I will. I think it's amazing he is even where he is that this is an real hope for him. We are talking top 0.0001% of people really.

He on the other hand I think will not see himself in the same way because I think he sees this as the pinacle of everything he's worked for since he walked into primary school! I fear he will just collapse into a feeling of ultimately when it really mattered in the final analysis he failed.

Hopefully it will all be fine but there is a real chance of failure as there is in anything competitive.

It makes me so sad that he will judge himself so harshly. He's a hero to me whatever happens. Very few people would ever be in this comparative position - he's a star to even be there.

Sheesh. Times like these when you just want to curl up and go to sleep until it is over. Such stress!

Yes yes and yes again. My stress is worrying about him - which is probably daffy as what is my worry achieving? I want to help him though because I'm worried.

PPs have mentioned coaches and mentors. This sounds like exactly what your DH needs right now. If has one or the other he needs to start talking to them about this. If he doesn't have either, then it's time to get one, even if it costs him. Life coaches/ Career coaches aren't cheap but I assume you can afford it and I would see it as an investment.

My DH has the same approach to work (though he's never been in the exalted position your DH clearly is), and I know what it's like to live with an outwardly successful but depressed man who thinks he's a failure . Perspective is needed, more than you alone can provide, probably (even though you are superwoman).

Getting these external people in your DH's life are part of YOUR coping arsenal and preparation strategy too.

When DH was promoted he had been asked to interview and it was 3 months before he knew. Honestly he wasn't stressed out after I told him to get over himself. Yes it's an accomplishment to have been promoted but I wouldn't let him feel devastated.

Finding out you have a terminal illness, losing a child or spouse unexpectedly is devastating. Not getting a promotion is disappointing but it isn't going to majorly change your life for the worse. I told DH to get some perspective and be thankful for being given the opportunity to be interviewed for promotion.

I think he needs to see an executive coach or equivalent.

Does anyone have any recommendations for a coach or similar that could help him with this?

London or South East based?

I've pmd you

Is it possible that how he handles the stress now will have an effect on the result? Like it's actually part of the interview process, iyswim.

Sounds like that Perished submarine course!

Don't laugh, but playing Tetris is clinically effective at reducing stress in such situations. It induces a state known as flow - or basically, it engages immediate thoughts well enough to enable the brain to park background worries.

I have Tetris on my phone and a session is really helpful when I am in chronic stress situations - even daily if I am facing a few months of work crap.

@MinorProphet - thank you - received and replied.

Is it possible that how he handles the stress now will have an effect on the result?

teaandtoast - not at all. He's not being monitored as it were - this isn't about an internal promotion.

How he handles the stress may have an effect . . . on how long we stay married. Joking. Kind of.

No problem. I don't know how niche his field of work is, but it is possible there are coaches who specialise in his field in particular. Definitely worth a Google.