Is it better to be too soft or too hard in life?

[cjt110]

Let me explain...

Throughout my lifetime I have experienced various issues with family, friends, associates and the like. Mostly culminated in me getting hurt in some form or other. As such, almost like a switch was flipped, I finally decided 6 years ago that enough was enough. I no longer suffer fools and am NC with approx 90% of my family. I have very few people I would call friends. I can't be doing with the upset and drama these relationships seem to cause.

I am married with a son and they, and my parents are my world. I care for my in-laws but, again due to their past behaviours, I have withdrawn somewhat and perhaps don't embrace them as I have in the past.

Sometimes the lack of connection(?) with others does make me feel sad or lonely. I do wonder if it's because of he picture perfect lives you see presented out there of families getting on and lots of friends...

My Mum on the other hand is very forgiving. She takes, takes and takes all the shit thrown at her through her life and whilst it may upset her, carries on. Forgives. Carries on. Repeat. I have said many times to her that she should just tell people where to go and look after herself and she doesn't.

Recently an incident has occurred whereby she has finally snapped and told someone where to go. I say in jest to her often that she's too soft for her own good and she tells me that she knows she is. I've said perhaps it's not her at "fault" but me and that I am too hard.

So.... Is it better to be too soft or too hard in life? Discuss

Wow I was literally just thinking something along the lines of this myself. I was about to start a thread asking if I'm socially inept because I seem to always get offended or hurt and upset by people's actions and really push people away. Possibly over react to hurtful situations that might not necessarily have been intended in a malicious way but instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt or easily forgiving I tend to shut people out. I also have very few people in my circle.
So I decided not to focus on the negative by starting a thread and instead click on "unanswered threads" and low and behold this is the first thread that I came across.

Would love to hear what people have to say and different perspectives because this is definitely an issue for a lot of people I think. It may be a way of protecting ourselves or possibly projecting other hurt onto situations and people.
Life is hurtful I guess we have to decide individually who the people are worth fighting for and who to just write off.

Why do you have to be either?
Neither is better or worse than the other imo and there is a middle ground.

Mummblebee Glad I'm not the only bitter and cynical bat around!

I think at the extremes it depends what you want out of life. Is it more important to protect yourself from pain and risk isolation, or be close to many people but risk pain?

Most people manage, perhaps after a few swings one way or the other, to find a middle ground they're happy with

For me personally, I get far more from people than it costs me in pain. Be that in virtue of my specific family and friends, or perhaps my reaction to hurt. However I can imagine someone deciding that for them it's not worth the damage.... I guess it depends on so much!

Some interesting answers so far.

I know there is no right or wrong in this thread and just wondered what people thought and to hear some interesting replies or experiences.

Perhaps I was just "blessed" with an arsehole magnet!

I think better too soft. Most of my friends are dreadful cynics (me included!) except one who does tend to get hurt a lot - but she’s the most optimistic, open minded, loving person ever. While she has a lot of sadness, her faith in people and willingness to support people is something I admire so much, and I actually think she is on balance happier than those of my friends who are ‘harder’ and taken advantage of less. Better in my mind to stay softer despite the shit we all get thrown at us, but it’s a challenge!

I have been both. Now on the top hard side of the spectrum. I think people can be too soft, give massively of themselves, get hurt by people they were helping and then it is easy to decide to never off themselves to anyone ever again and go too hard!

A middle ground is so difficult because there is the chance of happiness at the risk of being hurt again.

Never offer*

I think about this quite often too. I used to be too soft, people walked all over me, now I'm not. I have no contact with any of my family now, I'm much happier without them. I have some good friends.

I think you can choose to be soft, but tough when you need to be. You have to know who to avoid, some people will always take a mile if you give them an inch.

DrunkUnicorn You are me.

I think it's better to be too hard than too soft.

You can soften up depending on the situation far more easily than you can toughen up.

I think I'm hard when I need to be and have high expectations of those around me; we had a family incident a year or so ago that ordinarily I'd have let go and forgiven. Instead I went Grey Rock and they were all blindsided by my bloodymindedness. I've spent years dancing to others tunes to keep them happy and have suddenly realised it's entirely pointless. It felt like such a revelation when I said to DH we weren't going to please his family this year on Christmas Day. His Mum is weeping into her sprouts (which she's had on a low boil since the end of July because she likes to cook her veg til they become soup) but I don't feel anything but lighter for making the decision.

I moved a lot in my life, and as a result have no lasting friendships. I have a wife and son, who are my world. But for the wider world I am in a unusual position of not caring what other people think about me (excluding professional reviews of my workplace performance type things).
A lot of people say this, often when hurt, but it's not really true for them. I am thick skinned and hard to upset. I am insensitive to the upset of others, though I'm not enough of a penis to disregard the consequences of my actions. But if something is done and someone loses, ho hum from my POV. My focus is on the desired goal not necessarily the happiness of those involved. I don't really experience lonlieness, which is probably just as well as I'm charitably described as an acquired taste.

But like I said, most people aren't like this. They feel lonely. They have a want to be liked. Turning to the OP, yes people can be annoying and dramatic - because they are people not jigsaw pieces that tesselate cleanly into your life. No doubt some of those people would have a very different view of you than you do.

More interesting responses...

Just read some of mine back. I'm not saying my way / life is better. It's just the product of my experiences

As I’m getting older I find myself moving away from drama and the people that tend to create it. I don’t consider this being ‘hard’, more self preservation.
It does mean I don’t have a great social life atm but I’m enjoying the peace. I am soft towards people I trust and care for though.

I’m not sure getting taken advantage of is about being too soft? I think it’s more to do with having low self esteem but I guess it depends what you mean by soft. I would consider myself soft but I can’t really think of any situations where someone has taken advantage of me and can’t think of many occasions where people have upset me.

I think it comes down to intent, I have been hurt by thoughtless words and deeds and I do get a bit upset but brush it off quickly, I have no doubt that I have unintentionally upset others in the same way. I have also been hurt intentionally and have also brushed that off but in doing so I was sending a message that they could continue with that type of behaviour and there would be no consequences.

I would say you need to make a judgement call on each person/incident, if the intent is to hurt then go hard, if not, let it go.

If I'm being honest I feel like I've just grown colder.I used to be the friend who went above and beyond for my friends,because I wanted them to know how much I cared about them. I put everyone ahead of myself on the list before I started to feel like I was being taken for granted. It wasn't okay to make me wait around for an hour for them to turn up or to cancel on me three times in a row . I started sticking saying no to things I didn't want to do and spending more time on myself. Right now where I am- it's still early days. I actually don't miss the drama, but I do miss my old best friends.

One of my favourite quotes by Maya Angelou- is when someone shows you who they are believe them. I don't give second or third chances anymore.I used to think that love was all you needed, but it's not enough. I was too forgiving with the first boy I fell in love with and went back even though he was abusive. Second boy ghosted me after 9 months. I messaged him a while later and tried again with him, but I didn't feel like I could trust him not to ghost me again.

I think it's just best to try to find a middle ground. But I'm not hard with my siblings.