Anyone up to talk, feel really low

[gunge]

Going through a bereavement which is affecting my marriage.
Going to a counsellor tomorrow.

still up, for another hour or so. waiting for ds to sleep.

is the counsellor marriage, bereavement or other?

struggling to think of something sensible to say

Hello Gunge

Here too 💐

It's my mother in law.
I should be strong for DH but she was like a mum to me (estranged from my own abusive family) and I'm falling apart.
I can't handle the being on my own with kids for nights and extended periods because he has to support his family.
And my SIL who I thought I was close to is shutting me out.
I feel like a failure and I feel like I'm breaking down.

Sorry for your loss

Are your children in bed now? Will they sleep through?

Yes they will. Not sure why I'm not coping. Thought I was stronger

Of course you’re not a failure. And it must be hard if your SIL is shutting you out? Any idea why?

Your dh may have to go and help arrange funeral etc but you are his family too. Remind him in losing his Mum you feel like you are losing the only Mum who was good to you. His sister is probably not functioning normally because she may be in shock, especially if MiL death was unexpected. You could ask your dh to let you help him organise MiL funeral, that way you would be involved and could go with him for support and not be left at home alone with children.

Perhaps resentment that I was close to her mum? However I wasn't closer. She's saying some odd things.
I know it's probably just grief but even so.

Make yourself a hot chocolate and keep warm. You are all probably in minor shock tonight.

Funeral has been and gone.

Try not to dwell on anything your SiL is saying at the moment she won't mean it and may not even remember what she said to you in a day or so time. She is just numb at losing her Mum and the grief is making her talk nonsense. She will know you were close to her Mum but also that her Mum loved her.

I would normally need DH in these bad times but he can't be there. It makes me angry and resentful which I know is wrong. I've never worried about my marriage before

How long ago did MiL pass away Gunge? Sometimes it takes a little while for things to settle down after a death in the family. Does dh have to go to help sort out his dm things? If so maybe your SiL is worried you may want some of her Mum's things when she thinks she should have everything.

I think that's true caringcarer but I'd never touch mil things unless it's explicitly stated that I should have something.

Does your dh know how unhappy you are and that you are struggling to cope? He may not have noticed because of his own grief and his sister may be making demands on his time.

He knows but SIL expects so much and seems to resent him putting me first in any way. It seems impossible

You could make a memory collage. You need to think about as many lovely times with your MiL as you can and the things she said and did that involve you and then write them all out by hand on small pieces of paper. Then stick them into photo frame with some pictures of her and you together. That will remind you your SiL can never take away the relationship you had with her Mum. That way if she won't allow you a momento you will have your own special one. But your dh should also be given some of her things and he can choose something nice for you.

hello Gunge. Sorry for your loss. It does sound like you really had a treasure in your MIL. It makes a lovely change to read that, given how many complain that their MIL is the devil incarnate.

Grief is a funny old thing, how it strikes us. Our mind seems to get stuck on things, some not important at all and others that are enormous in reality. Perhaps your SIL is just flailing at the world, and you are a convenient target right now? It is easier with those we love (assuming you normally have a good relationship, that is.) Try not to take it too much to heart.

Be sure to talk to your counsellor about all you are feeling; hopefully they can give you some good strategies for coping. In the meantime, you've got us here to lean on, and

You are his wife and he should be considering your feelings especially as he knows you were close to his Mum and will miss her so much. A wife is more important than a sister no matter how much he cares for his sister he should not allow his sister to be mean to you.

I feel so much for her, it's her dear mum. So I'm trying hard to not rise to it and put it down to grief.
That's a lovely idea about mementos thank you. I will try that.

Does your SiL have a partner of her own? If not that may be why she is so demanding of her brothers time. The counselor will help you to explore your feelings tomorrow. You should try a hot milky drink and try to get some sleep. I hope it goes well tomorrow Gunge. I am going to bed now.

Thank you. Sleep well

How did the counselling go today Gunge?