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Original poster

I can't stop thinking about it (trigger warning)

18 replies

Willow789 · 30/10/2018 22:19

I didn't know where else to put this. I was raped two years ago on Halloween. I manage to push it out of my mind most of the time but tonight I feel physically sick about it. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm sat in the bathroom crying. Everyone else in the house is asleep. I feel disgusting, I feel dirty. What can I do to stop feeling like this?

OP posts:
Cherry321 · 30/10/2018 22:23

You're not dirty and you're not disgusting. Something terrible happened to you and it wasn't your help. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? Or can you ring one of the helplines in this link?
www.itv.com/thismorning/rape-helplines

Original poster
Willow789 · 30/10/2018 22:24

@Cherry321 DH knows but I can't talk to him about it. I almost feel like I betrayed him in a way. I haven't told a soul other than DH and one of my friends. I wish I could talk to my DM but her heart would break. I feel so lonely and lost

OP posts:
Cherry321 · 30/10/2018 22:24

Wasn't your fault not help.

I'm so sorry this happened and it's not surprising that Halloween is triggering these thoughts. Please get some help from some experts

Cherry321 · 30/10/2018 22:26

Can you wake him and just tell him you need a hug?

Cherry321 · 30/10/2018 22:28

You didn't betray him.

Can you text your friend or call them?

Original poster
Willow789 · 30/10/2018 22:29

@Cherry321 you know when you get a hug from somebody and then it just opens a floodgate of tears that you have no idea how long will last? That will happen. There's just this overwhelming guilt that hangs over me whenever I talk about it/think about it and I feel like I shouldn't have to rely on others for support.

I think I do need counselling, it's just getting the courage to actually make it happen

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 30/10/2018 22:31

Oh willow please don't sit alone and cry.

I'm sure your husband and/or friend would want you to turn to them at this horrible time.

Have you thought about getting counselling, longer term?

It wasn't your fault Flowers

Original poster
Willow789 · 30/10/2018 22:33

@BastardGoDarkly I have considered it but I find it so bloody hard to talk about in real life. Almost as if when I say the words, vomit will come out instead. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 30/10/2018 22:34

Yes, it does.

What about over the phone? Do you think that may be easier?

Cherry321 · 30/10/2018 22:34

I had counselling for bereavement and it really helped. Could you ring one of those helplines or perhaps see your GP tomorrow and ask for some counselling?

My friend was raped. Its such a terrible thing to happen and it's not surprising that it's still affecting you. But it definitely wasn't your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty (easy for me to say, I know)

Everyone needs help and support some times. I'm sure your DH and friend would want to try and help you.

Original poster
Willow789 · 30/10/2018 22:37

@BastardGoDarkly over the phone would be an option I think. I will have to see if there's any options for it in my area, or would a normal counsellor offer over the phone sessions?

I'm 28 years old and all I want is for my mum to give me a cuddle and say it will be okay. God I need to pull myself together

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow789 · 30/10/2018 22:38

@Cherry321 did you just find them online or did you get referred through your GP or something?

Thank you for replying to me, I really appreciate it

OP posts:
Cherry321 · 30/10/2018 22:41

It was quite a while ago but I got referred through the GP.

It will be OK and you're allowed to feel shit. It was an awful thing to happen.

BastardGoDarkly · 30/10/2018 22:43

Willow I know you think your mum would break at the news, but if you were my daughter, I'd absolutely want to know, and give you that cuddle.

You don't need to just "pull yourself together" you need to heal.

How about calling rape crisis?

rapecrisis.org.uk/helplinesemotionalsupport.php

OoohAyyye · 30/10/2018 22:45

Tell your mum OP. I imagine it will be devastating to hear but I'm sure she wants to help you heal and love and hug you.

I do think you need counselling. You need someone to help you change your mindset. I think deep down you know that you haven't betrayed your DH but counselling may help eliminate those creeping feelings.

And sometimes I find a good cry provides me with great strength afterwards. Maybe it will you too.

All the hugs for you OP Flowers

Original poster
Willow789 · 30/10/2018 22:52

Thanks everyone for your replies. I will call rape crisis I think. Anything is better than sitting on the bathroom floor having a cry to myself.

My only concern about telling DM is that she will tell my DF who is in the police force. I don't think she would be able to keep it a secret from him. He would want me to report (which I did - investigation never went anywhere) and he would be hellbent on getting some kind of 'resolution' for me. He loves a resolution. I don't necessarily want a 'resolution', I just want to be able to go about my daily life without feeling dirty.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 30/10/2018 22:54

Yes, baby steps op. You can feel better, with some help. Flowers

Cherry321 · 01/11/2018 23:21

Hey @Willow789 How is it going? Did you find someone to talk to?

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