Please help me change my parenting style.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

I am a shouty parent. Verging on slightly aggressive and it needs to change ASAP. When we just had ds I wasn’t like this. He was very easy going, easy to please and family were eager to pitch in. DD came just before he turned 4 and things have been much harder in the last 2 years. DD is much harder and really pushes my buttons. As he has gotten older, ds has become a typical kid. He is now 6 and ignores me half the time. Needs reminding constantly to stop watching TV and get dressed. Needs asking multiple times to turn the tv down/off pick things up etc etc. This morning ds was taking ages to get dressed and I kept telling him to hurry up or we would miss the film we were going to watch. He didn’t and actually kept glancing at the telly whilst I was telling him to stop watching the telly! I ended up shouting at him quite harshly. He burst into tears.
DD refuses to get out the pool a few hours later and had to be dragged out kicking and screaming after almost drowning herself to be able to stay in the pool after I had taken her armbands off. (luckily it was very quiet as it’s at our local gym) I was so angry I had to hold my self back from hurting her as I took her to get dressed.
I hate myself for this. I don’t want posters to be telling me not to be too hard on myself because this happens at least once a week. I completely loose it and shout at them. I have never hit them but I have held them too tightly when trying to get them to stop walking/running off. My mum used to hit us all the time when we were kids and I don’t want to escalate to that. I am terrified that one day I will not be able to control myself. I don’t want them to be scared of me like I was of my mum.
I need strategies for dealing with the anger that builds up. A lot of the time I can’t just walk off. Sometimes we are going to school not just out for fun so we need to get out the house on time. How do I deal with that burning rage inside me and stop it from exploding at my kids and scarring them? I don’t want them to become me! Please help!

Ahaparenting.com has lots of advice on managing your anger as well as changing your approach - would really recommend it.

I think it's really good that you have acknowledged the anger.
I have a 5 year old and a 8 month old and also find it stressful and sometimes get short temper with the older one.
Things that help me- no tv or iPad unless DS has got himself ready for the day if we have plans. This really helps as he is eager to watch tele so will get himself sorted first thing and then pop the telly on.
If I do find myself getting stressed I will normally just leave the room for a few minutes and just count to 10 then re approach the situation.
Also if I have cooking/tidying to do then it's all done in the morning so it's over and done with.
I think being more prepared for the day ahead helped me instead of leaving things last minute.

You mention a film and swimming - that's a lot of activity for two small ones. Both can be stressful to manage too. Maybe keep things slightly simpler and plan fewer outings. There's a French and Saunders sketch about two mums running themselves ragged trying to make nice activities for their kids and ending up shouty and cross.

I absolutely swear by 123 Magic by Thomas Phelan. Saved my children's lives mostly joking

There's a dvd to watch which is helpful as you and partner can watch together and discuss. And a book to refer to.

I definitely could see there was a better way to parent, I just didn't know how to get there.

You are not alone. Hugs.

I find 'how to talk so kids will listen ' helpful ...there is lots of stuff acknowledging anger in there. It's something every parent experiences.

Have you considered counselling and anger management? It sounds like you have the basis of good parenting but that your anger takes over and ruins your good work? You need to seek help asap if you feel you have been in danger of hurting your children.

thanks everyone. I am definitely guilty of trying to do too much and then getting flustered. I just don't want my kids to be bored and they don't seem to engage with their toys unless prompted and then I have to join in to keep it going!

I appreciate the suggestions and I will look into them all.

I get this OP. After multiple times of telling my kids to do stuff I really find myself losing it, it's strange because in all other walks of life I'm so laid back I'm almost in a torpor.
My kids aren't even naughty, they just don't listen or do anything I tell them, or ever ever seem to learn!

What helps me deal with that peak of anger is simply walking away and sitting in an empty room until I can control my anger, or if something needs doing asap, silent physical prompting. So even though DS is seven, I will just (gently!) guide him by the shoulders to the sink where he can brush his fucking teeth. Or I will put the shoes in his lap. Or I will slowly turn the telly off and walk away.
It seems just for me simply being quiet and removing myself from the situation gives me a chance to calm down and not do anything stupid. I'm getting better at damping down those peaks and calming myself more rapidly too! Don't expect the kids to change themselves first, get your own behaviour under control and reliable.
My son will never brush his teeth by himself as long as lego exists in the world.

why did you not turn the tv off when it was distracting your ds and stopping him getting him ready?

Fernickltylo - I did ….eventually. We have the discussion constantly and he always begs me not to turn it off but then still doesn't do whatever we have asked him to do.
I am going to start just turning it off despite his pleading. He doesn't learn so I need to!

you need to give five mins warning of tv going off. then go ahead and turn it off, then get ready. don't waste time and energy negotiating over something as basic as tv going off.

Try a week or so of not turning the tv on until everything else is done/ready.

Worked wonders for us in the school holidays as kids were up, dressed, breakfasted, teeth cleaned all by themselves before 8am so they could play computer!

We've eased that off now, but it makes it easier if screens only come on once everything else is done.

I just don't want my kids to be bored

Boredom is very good for children - for anyone, really. It engages the brain and gets you thinking of activities and things to do to alleviate the boredom. Let them get bored. Let them play with toys. You're an adult, you shouldn't be a crutch in playing. Join in sometimes, sure, but largely back off.

Ban TV as well. I don't understand why you have it on and tell DS not to watch it. He lacks that self control aged 6. Hell, I lack that self control at almost 30! You've probably gotten into the habit of having it there as background noise, but it needs to stop. Just don't put it on unless it's TV time to watch a specific show or film. No wonder they're not engaging with toys if they're used to the instant gratification of screen time.

I know you said you don’t want people to minimise your behaviour because you want things to change, but I don’t think you sound like you need anger management. I never knew I was capable of losing my temper until I had children. It’s SO bloody hard. In no other part of life are we expected to wrestle screaming, defiant, obnoxious people and take it all on the chin calmly.

What I do is recognise that I’m about to lose my shit and turn my back on it all, taking a few deep breaths. Doesn’t always work but I know how shit I feel after I’ve screamed at my children or handled them a bit too roughly and that alone is (mostly) enough to keep the red mist from descending when I feel my temper fraying.

Look at what triggers your behaviour as an iceberg.
Your reaction is the bit sticking out. Shouting , angry etc
Now look at what causes this This is the part under the water.
Not listening seems to be a big one.
The idea is to prevent your behaviour not control it.
For example. You said you ask S to get dressed he keeps looking at the tv.
Solution. Morning routine get dressed then tv. No tv till teeth brushed and dressed.
Stick to it.
You seem to just tell them stuff but don't expect a response.
Your D is too little to respond instantly. You tell her one more splash then out the pool. Then take her out holding her hand.
Don't keep saying do this do that over and over. Tell them what's happening with warning.

Thank you for the post i just realised today I had a problem I need to walk through. I've just realised after spending time with my Mum quite where a lot of my frustration comes from and also a feeling of being disorganised and out of control.

I'll consider counselling but cost is a big barrier.

I would recommend How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen - the version especially for this age. It's horrendously twee to read but the techniques are excellent.

Mine are six and three and it's hard going at the moment. Agree no TV til everything else is done and then only at set times. Give him time to understand and process the instructions. Make things a game, or a race, or kids Vs mummy etc. Also use a timer if necessary - 5 minutes warning and when the bell goes that's it.

I agree that 123 magic and how to talk so kids will listen were really useful reads.

They changed the way I asked for my children to do things and I get much more compliance as a result. It helped me think how would I respond if someone asked me to do something they way I was going about things eg if my husband was in another room shouting an instruction whilst I was watching my favourite tv programme- honesty, i'd ignore him!

on the TV thing, perhaps agree in advance how many episodes of something they can watch, or wait until its a good point to pause a programme (explain that's what you will do - eg at the end of the scene I will pause this as I need to talk to you) and then when it is paused, make sure you have eye contact and explain what needs doing. I also agree that no TV until x,y,z is done is a very useful tactic.

Oh it is so hard - and my heart goes out to you.

I watch my DDs and their parenting of their children and am totally mind-boggled by their patience - and feel guilty that I could not do it as well when they were young.

It is very hard, so please do not beat yourself up about it - you are clearly trying to get things as you would like them to be.

I think there are some basic rules that might help:

• never disagree with your partner over discipline in front of the children.
• always mean what you say (even if you regret saying it a moment later!)
• and following on from that.....pick your battles with care
• try and get inside a child's mind - a lot of anger results from expecting too much of a child.
• have clear rules that give the child security and a routine.

Oh God - that all sounds so trite and preachy - but I hope that some of it might help.

I remember an incident when I lost my rag with one of my children and it haunts me still - but she cannot remember it! - she is in her 40s now!

I don't think you need anger management, I think your reactions are pretty standard to kids behaving badly or not following instructions, it's not easy - look how many parenting books are out there to get kids to behave and follow instructions of parents!! It's the most frustrating thing in the world to find yourself nagging, yelling or talking to a suddenly deaf child when you need to get out the door to school or they refuse to eat your lovingly prepared healthy dinner.

I second 123 Magic which is great, but the book I really clicked with was Calmer Easier Happier Parenting. The "never repeat yourself" method has saved my sanity and the kids seem happier and calmer with the descriptive praise that is recommended. It also tells you exactly word for word what to say which I needed at first 

I echo the other advice of eliminating all the stimulation. The TV shouldn't be on at all if your son is distracted by it, it's setting him up to fail if it's on when you need him to focus on other tasks. Also that boredom is good for kids. If they are bored they will (eventually) find ways to entertain themselves and pick up even the most neglected toys and boring-seeming books! I remember even reading the dictionary when I was bored as a child. And finally - cycle toys and books so there are only a very few available at any one time - they will be forced to play with those things and read those books and somehow when there are fewer choices it's easier not to be overwhelmed and give up and wail "I'm bored".

Thanks all. I have had the TV off since 3 and it has been much calmer. DS has coloured, helped me build one of his new toys, helped with Halloween decoration and since I am praising him for his good behaviour and not shouting, he is being just as nice back. He has eaten his tea without the usual complaining and has been much better all round.
The thing is, we have been at this point before and it never lasts. I am going to try and keep it going!

I would second keeping the TV off. But also stop entertaining your kids. If you do then you don’t get a moment to yourself and they never learn to play alone and the cycle continues. Your head is exploding because it never rests. Make a cup of tea and tell the kids not to bother you till you finish it. Ignore everything till you finish. Do it religiously twice a day.

If I don't keep them entertained then they seem to fight or eat everything in the house.
I am going to step back

Let them. My rule that I borrowed from MIL (she had three sons) is that unless there is blood I don’t want to know. I am explicit though. I say v clearly, Mummy is now going to do X and will not play. You can do XYZ or whatever you want. And then I just withdraw.

It doesn't matter if they fight unless they are hurting each other, in which case separate them. They have to learn to co-exist (with strategies, like using a strong voice or taking timed turns). I know that sounds rather Fight Club of me but they can't always appeal to an authority figure to solve their problems, and they have to have the unstructured space and time to learn how to play on their own or together, read a book, colour, draw, whatever. Give them each a bottle of plain water and leave out a plate of sliced up raw vegetables which they can eat if they are truly hungry. If they turn their noses up, you know they're just bored and need to be redirected to other things.

I feel your pain though - many a cup of tea have I drunk locked in the loo reading my book while they pound on the door!!