Assumptions about childless women

[nevermothernature]

I find it fascinating that people who choose not to have children are generally assumed to feel really strong ly about not having children (or even to feel really strongly against children, anyone's children, in general). I am probably not going to have children, not because I REALLY REALLY hate the idea of having children, but because I don't really really love it. Out of all the major decisions I've made in my life, this one is the only irreversible one. I can sell a house, quit a job, divorce a spouse, whatever. I cannot unhave a child. I cannot opt out of being a parent once I become a parent. I cannot even take a step back for the sake of self care or whatever, or else my child will suffer. So for me, having children is a fuck yes or not at all. The default will be to remain child free. Having children should be an opt-in decision and not an opt-out one. Until/unless I develop really strong feelings about wanting to have children, I won't have them, even if that means never having children at all. Does anyone else feel like this? I'm sick of women who are childfree by choice being painted as child hating monsters. I feel like I am being considered selfish by family when actually it would be more selfish to have a child that I am not sure about.

That's the way I felt. My mum resigned herself to never being a grandmother.

I got very broody after we'd been married a few years and now have two DC.

I know exactly what you mean the only problem with what happened to me was I fell pregnant and couldn't go through with a termination. I didn't have any justification other than I don't want children, I am still coming to terms with it (currently 15wks), I get told think of how many women would love to be in your position and you didn't even try and it happened.

I am exactly the same OP, as is my DP.

We are very certain that we will not regret NOT having children - we can see ourselves travelling a lot, enjoying our life etc. We are happy together and neither of us has felt a massive urge to have them.

But on the other hand we both feel that it is likely we may regret HAVING children.We are not particularly keen on children, we don't think we would be very good parents, and we have both had fairly longstanding MH issues.

Completely agree with everything you said OP.

I don’t hate kids. But I’m not sure I want to have my own. 100% agree with the point that it is one of life’s only “all or nothing” decisions!

I genuinely enjoy my peace and quiet too much to dedicate the next 20+ years to a child. Me and DP have a brilliant life and I honestly believe we would come to regret having a child.

We love our niece and nephew. We just don’t want to have our own children.

Sounds like you’ve become annoyed by your family’s stupid remarks, which don’t reflect others’ views.

I'm in the same boat as you, OP. I don't dislike children, but equally they don't really do anything for me either way, I don't go gooey over them and I can find them quite boring or even irritating. Occasionally I will see a super sweet toddler, and think aww he's cute, but I still don't have an urge to cuddle it, talk to it or spend time with it.

I'm going through quite a tough time as I'm newly married and since my DH, who was always of the same mind as me pre marriage, has suddenly become very broody. I missed a period a couple of months ago and he got quite down when the test I did was negative. I conversely was extremely relieved.

I have been under a gyney for a while as I've had some cysts and she told me that although I'm 43, I am still fertile and can have children. I made the mistake of telling my DH this and he thinks he can talk me into wanting kids!

I just don't see the positives. I love my freedom, not having money worries, lots of travel and weekend breaks. I worry that my career would take a backseat, my (currently excellent) health might decline, but one of my biggest worries is that it might affect our lovely relationship.

I, like you, worry more about regretting HAVING a child rather than NOT HAVING a child.

I have been unable to have children which is painful. I have people saying ‘ohntou need to get a move on!’ And one daft cow when we went to a meeting said ‘I have 2 children, fluffy hates children..’ I was gobsmacked as I have never said that and I actually adore children but can find being around babies a bit upsetting.

I’m 51 and don’t have children, when I was younger many people assumed I couldn’t have them and those that knew I didn’t want them assumed I’d change my mind. My ex fil told me I’d forever regret not having them not happened yet Ken!
I like children, have never felt broody or maternal. I knew from a young age I didn’t want them,

I totally agree with you; many people just have a child 'because it is the thing to do' without really thinking very, very carefully and planning before they have a child.

And actually I believe having a child is quite a selfish thing to do, few people have children for purely altruistic reasons.

(I do actually have a child - only one - and it took me twelve years after getting married to make the decision to have one - and if I hadn't got pregnant so be it, I still had a lovely life before having my DS ).

I feel exactly the same as you, OP.

I strongly wouldn't want my own children, and I would make a terrible parent; but I don't dislike children as a category of human being. I quite often see a baby or child and think 'how sweet!' but I wouldn't want one of my own.

I have a niece who I adore, but In small doses. After a couple of hours with her I am ready for some peace and quiet and I can't imagine having the responsibility and restriction of a small child 24 hours a day with no escape. I have considered fostering older children as I seem to have a lot more time and patience with older children having worked with troubled teenagers in the past.