Talking to lesbian teen about sex

[CanoeingInCocoPop]

I tried googling for advice and it was traumatising - so please help me oh wise ones!

Can someone give me a noddy guide to how to responsibly parent this.

My DD is 15 and has had a steady girlfriend for a year. Lovely girl, they support each other - no issues with her as a person. In fact she has supported DD out of a patch of bad mental health.

DD is rocking a love bite this weekend - and it’s made me realise that I haven’t talked about sex with her that much - apart from generalities like having the confidence to enforce your own boundaries etc.

My honest gut feeling is that if this was a heterosexual relationship - I’d be much more ‘all over this’. The issue of pregnancy would make me give my DD very strong messages of waiting to have sex until she’s old enough to handle the responsibilities - and also the fact that I’d (in my culturally prejudiced way) assume that the boy would be the one pushing it. Plus the STD issue - I’m not worrying about that with a young girl.

I think I’ve kind of ignored the ‘sex’ issue with DD and her girlfriend - and I don’t know if that’s me being a ‘cool’ parent at the expense of being a ‘responsible’ parent. The girls never overnight together, but they spend time at each other’s houses. At my house I let them spend extended time together in DDs bedroom - I’ve specified that I’d like it kept ‘sensible’ (in the sense of her younger brother not seeing anything alarming if he walked in). I don’t think they’re having sex right now - but that’s presumably the direction of travel with such an established relationship.

I know on my own skin though - that even sex without physical consequences can fuck you up emotionally. And she is still a child. So I’m looking for advice for how to look after DD in this - both in terms of setting boundaries and in terms of empowering her to make good decisions for herself.

Mmm you need to re-think about STDs!

Thought provoking post OP and I've got no experience but you sound like you're being really careful to get the right message across so I'd be pretty confident that whatever you say will be ok.

Just say what you ve said above?? Be honest that you need to talk about boundaries and doing what's comfortable etc etc and making sure she knows she can come to you if she's unsure of anything.

Don't suppose there's any friends of the family who are lesbian???

Maybe use your googling to weed out some links which give the right message as well as practical tips which you can share with her?

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/sexual-health-for-lesbian-and-bisexual-women/

Dd found Hannah Witten on youtube very helpful. She’s bi, currently with a male partner.

Same messages you'd give to a heterosexual teen, I guess:

Consent
Respect
Protection

Thank you Arnold

Mawkish I wouldn’t let a heterosexual teen couple spend ninety minutes alone behind a closed door. What does that say about my prejudices?

Ditto what Arnold says!
Its that kind of assumption that will put her at risk of stis!

STIs can be transmitted easily through oral sex, genital contact and digital penetration. She may use strap ons or similar which are also a risk. Not to mention the fact that you sleep with whoever your partner sleeps with. There is no guarantee that they will be forever faithful.

Prevention methods include dental dams, latex gloves and above all, hygiene. If, for example, her partner has gonerrhea and touches herself, then touches your DD, bing! Risk of infection. Herpes, genital warts and crabs are very easily transmitted.

I'm a lesbian, and this attitude is irritating, and I suspects comes from the assumption that all we do is have flowery, lovely kissy sex all the time,with no genital contact involved.

Talk to your daughter and if necessary, find a clinic where she can find a sexual health nurse to talk to for advice.

Also, consent and boundaries are something you definitely still need to talk about above all. Abuse of all kinds is not uncommon at all in game sex relationships. People are still pressurised and taken advantage of.

Please do not treat this differently than you would with a straight relationship.

It’s less the lesbianism than the shy adorable kid who is on the other side of this equation!

Categorically no other partners ever on the scene for either of them.

I haven’t gone big on STIs - because I felt that DD would think exactly the the same - and hear what I said as “go ahead and have sex so long as you’re careful about STIs” - and I’m not sure that’s what I want to say.

School has covered the concept of STIs, and I’d speak about it again if she was definitively sexually active.

Domina - yes - and DD isn’t naturally socially skilled so she needs consent and boundaries explained to her. I’ll go back to that convo. Is there a definitive ‘how to’ guide online - or shall I wing it?

Its definately hard! As a bi teenager, i had strict rules about boys and none about girls. I was in a long term relationship as a teen with a girl (who came to xmas, held hands with etc) that my parents told me recently they thought we didnt have sex. We definately did. Its a teenage relationship, treat it as one

At 15 to be honest it might have already happened!

Its hard because is she no longer allowed any sleep overs or just sleep overs with this specific girl?

Safe sex is a must (but equally much less talked about in gay community, i dont know anyone that follows it!)

I think its important to recognise that the logistal differences of girl girl sex means that in my experience it tends to happen early as its more like foreplay etc. But cringey as it may be, make sure she has the resources about sex toy sharing etc.

You don't have to be explicit but make sure shes aware od the right sites and information for whenever it might become relevant to her

Other than that echo others who talk about empowerment etc

Also i think that rule of being appropriate if a brother walked in etc is a good one. Its okay to say its my house, i dont want to stumble on you having sex or hear it so be discreet.

I have a gay boy so obviously a bit different

And he was a bit older

But i still talked about boundaries and consent, not being pressured into doing sex acts he didnt want to etc

Appropriate is another good one ive just seen mentioned, his boyfriend is VERY affectionate and when we had younger people round the house a few weeks ago dd spent most of her time yelling at 'john' to "keep it pg" which was quite funny

My difficulty is that as my son is the first to get a serious and obviously sexual partner i do second guess myself about whether boundaries i impose at home could be seen to them as homophobic

I dont think i am at all, obviously they have a kiss and cuddle and curl up on the sofa together etc...but would i be stricter if it was dd and a boy?

Sorry...went off on a tangent

Obviously talking about sti's is obviously very important as well

Please don't assume that gay specific std advice is explicitly included in what she hears at school. It is shocking how many young queer women have no idea that they are still at much the same std risk let alone the different protection options available compared to just condoms, or where to get them.
You seem really eager to get this right though and that will get you a long way

Thank you.

If she was heterosexual - wouldn’t more people be telling me that the age of consent is there for a reason - and I should grow a backbone and just put a stop to this malarkey?

canoe

So far two of my children have made it to past 16, but im in no doubts thats more to lack of opportunity!!

How would you stop it though?

And telling them what to look out for and do isnt the same as saying 'crack on love'

Most of these topics should be being discussed well before 16

Possibly they would. Ultimately its up to you what happens in your house.

My parents would say that they never let a boy stay round, had a computer in a communal area etc but i got up to all sorts.
What they think i was getting up to is very different to what i did!

I always worry about people that say that there is no way it would happen etc because i think they are a bit naive!

Rather than have it as some sort of forbidden dirty thing that they simply cant do, its better to equip them with knowledge and confidence. Equally a place to turn if something happens, or ask questions.

I was involved in revenge porn situation at a young age and had nowhere to turn because my parents were too busy pretending sex happens when you are 18.