What would you have done in this situation? Stranger touching my child

[GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal]

Queueing in a cafe with DS (4) today, when a couple joined the queue behind us, and the woman started stroking DS's hair! I looked round to see if she a child with her that she'd absently mindedly mistaken DS for, but no.

She then noticed my baffled look, and said "oh sorry, I can't help touching small children. Of course you're not supposed these days, people think all sorts of things" - in a dismissive tone as if this was everyone else's problem!

I was genuinely stunned and muttered something about DS not seeming to mind (which tbf he didn't, not sure he'd even noticed) and then we were at the front of the queue so I ordered our food and dashed off.

But almost immediately I was annoyed with myself and wishing I'd handled it better. The truth is if it had been a man they'd have been told to take their hands off my child, so why did I let a woman touch him?? And I'm normally really big on reinforcing their (he and DDs)! physical boundaries and letting them know no one gets to touch them if they don't want them to.

I'm annoyed that I let my fear of being rude/unkind to a stranger stop me from advocating for my son, but even so I can't help thinking that she was just gently stroking his hair, and he didn't mind, and was it really that bad? But it's weird, isn't it, you don't go round stroking kids you don't know??!

• [Message from MNHQ: thread title edited at OP's request]

I don't think this would have particularly bothered me tbh, child right beside you, not bothered by hair stroking, shrugs.
Was she an older granny type?

Older than me, yes, and old enough to be a grandmother rather than a mum.

It wouldn't upset me in the situation you describe OP. However, if it was a man stroking my DS's hair, It would concern me. I'm aware that sounds unfair 🤷‍♀️

Wouldn't have particularly bothered me, I remember a man coming up to my DS when he was a rather beautiful baby and stroking him and giving him £1 - just made a comment to me about what a lovely baby.

I also remember my grandmother in the early stages of dementia loving sitting in the Sainsbury's coffee shop which had an informal play area for children and just watching babies and toddlers play.

I can just imagine the look of pure disgust on my five year olds face if this happened to her

Oh well it's a relief to know I wasn't under-reacting! It's the individual of thing that would've happened to me as a child but that doesn't tend to happen now, and I think that's what threw me. I didn't want to upset a probably very nice, affectionate lady - but at the same time want my son to understand it's not ok for strangers to touch him.

I'm always taken aback when people touch my DS's hair. He has a mane of curls and people in shops or on the street always ruffle it.
Last week my mum was shocked when she took him on the tube and strangers ruffled his hair as they got off.
His hair makes people smile and I like that, but they don't need to touch it surely?
I've never actually said anything to anyone though. Although he has.

Kind of thing, not individual.

No it's weird. I have dds and every now and then you get the weirdos who constantly have to stroke them or try to hug them.

I mean I've interacted with kids in queues, like when they show me their toys or start talking to me. I've held the odd hand up or down stairs when the parents buggers off miles ahead and left them to hopefully not get trampled by adults who won't see them over their coffee trays and of course picked kids up off the floor. But I've never stood there stroking them. It's weird

I would have been a bit bemused but it wouldn’t really have bothered me if DS wasn’t bothered.

My daughter gets this a lot due to her unruly hair!

She's never minded but some people can't help themselves

Quite a few stroked the babies faces -

I wouldn't be too concerned

On the flip side it would have bothered me a lot! I'm also teaching DS about boundaries - we don't touch without permission. If she'd just started stroking your hair would that have been ok? I think she was really inappropriate. I'm not criticising you OP because I often don't say what I feel I should have said but with hindsight I'd probably have said something like "I'd rather you didn't stroke him without his permission, we are trying to teach him appropriate boundaries why hasn't someone taught you!"

Ds used to get his hair ruffled by strangers all the time. It never bothered me or him.

It’s the boundaries thing that would get me. I’d understand the woman most likely was completely innocent and affectionate, and I don’t think DC would mind, but I don’t want mine to think it’s ok for strangers to randomly touch them (unless e.g. they’ve fallen badly, but then one of us should be able to get to them quickly enough anyway). Not a big deal in itself if DC aren't bothered but doesn’t belong teaching the child, IMO.

• belong - help long-term

I don't think I'd have been bothered by a brief hair ruffle, @VenusClapTrap, but she stood stroking his hair for several seconds and didn't stop when she clocked my WTF? expression.

"You may want to wash your hands, that nit lotion really honks when you get it on your hands"

Or just say "please don't touch my child, we're trying to teach boundaries"

My response would likely have been the same, but next time you could try stroking her...

I can entirely understand your response OP and your later feelings that you should have said more. that expectation that we won’t be “rude” is quite strong. But it’s not rude to ask people to not touch your child. I think what she did was weird and she knows it - people have clearly told her off about it in the past (hence her comments after) but she’s just carried on doing anyway because she wants to. Weird and creepy.

Would it have been weird and creepy and boundary-crossing if she'd stroked your hair?
Yep.
Just cos your child is a child doesn't remove their personal space.