Irrational thoughts of losing my child

[L4kbe]

I have a dd 13 and dd 6 , before the 6 year old I had a miscarriage, I coped pretty well at the time but felt the usual worries with my next pregnancy. All was well but from the minute she was born I felt like she wasn’t mine , like she is only borrowed and she would be taken from me like I wouldn’t get to keep her, I love her soooo much and hate feeling like this. I look at her and I’m overwhelmed with love but then I get a sick feeling that something awful will happen and I won’t get to see her grow up , is this normal and has anyone else felt this ?

I feel the same way. Dd is 12 weeks and I worry about her all the time. Like you, I miscarried before having her, coupled with 4 years of ttcing, I'm not the most chilled parent I'm afraid

All the time. I read an article about PTSD linked to miscarriage. It basically said once things have gone catastrophically wrong you're constantly on high alert waiting for it to happen again. Made a lot of sense to my befuddled brain. Obviously I'm not giving myself a diognosis of PTSD, but I could see the similarities if that makes sense?

Oh you could be me.
Sometimes I have proper panic attacks about losing my kids but especially my youngest. He’s ASD which gives him more vulnerability than his siblings. And he’s just my beloved, precious little guy. They all are! Before him, we lost our little girl 6 months into my pregnancy. And the pregnancy after that ended at 14 weeks. Undoubtedly our fears are linked to our losses. These losses change us. A death in the womb leaves an incredibly sad mark, regardless of how much we rationalise it. We heal but we’re left shaken, for sure. I don’t have solutions but I offer a sympathetic handhold and a hug. And more .

Thanks .... it’s comforting to know others feel the same. The vanguard six I’m sorry for your loss, to loose a baby at 6 months must have been incredibly traumatic. Iboogy sorry for your loss and congrats on your new baby I miss mine being little, but weirdly I was more chilled with my second and it felt much easier with the only issue being my constant fear of losing her! Iloveanowl I totally agree re the ptsd, the miscarriage was incredibly traumatic and horrific, it all happened at home and I wasn’t prepared for what happened, like something from a horror film. Thanks all for the validation

I used to feel like this about my third daughter. No previous trauma to make me feel like this, just had this constant thought for years. Thankfully she is 23 now and everything is fine. Still can't explain it though.

Throughout my pregnancy I genuinely thought I lost my baby twice. I was in bits, cramping and bleeding. The second time was at 34 weeks when I started bleeding heavily. He was fine in the end however ever since I've had this huge feeling that we're living on borrowed time. It's terrifying.

It sounds like intrusive thoughts- which go hand in hand with anxiety.

I suffer from anxiety which manifests as pure O OCD- and particularly intrusive thoughts. I won’t list them because I don’t want to trigger anyone- but please know that it’s totally normal, and can be (in my case is) linked to PTSD.

I live a very normal life most of the time (even occasional bad patches I can still function and appear totally normal- I’m just internally in bits sadly)- I liken it to there being a radio playing and a song coming on I don’t want to hear- that’s what the chatter in my mind is like - sometimes the thoughts that flit through my mind are unpleasant and not what I want to - or even really think. Often they’re thoughts that frighten or disgust me. But they aren’t mine - they’re fragments left over from past trauma, that I find it hard to ignore- especially since having my son. But they’re very common, and in no way indicative of reality, or the person who is suffering from them.

If they trouble you, I recommend finding a psychotherapist and digging deeper- if they aren’t affecting your life- perhaps try visualise/ just accept them as “driftwood” on the ocean of your mind, and let them be.

Good luck to you

Phew that makes me feel good, it’s strange but I have a secure feeling about my first born ... like I just know she’ll be fine

I fear this is normal. I had an ectopic, only just caught as I didn't realise until went to theatre, lost tube and baby. Had a miscarriage. Then had my little boy but had a large bleed at 15 weeks, Drs prepared for another miscarriage. When I finally held him I felt terrified and still do that he is only here "short term" I don't know how I'm meant to look to the future as you are so grateful for the day that's just gone. If I could bottle a remedy I would but this is awful and no hope insite I'm afraid

Biancdelriosback .... that exactly it , just like borrowed time, that’s how I feel , feels good to hear others vocalise the same feelings

Clear thinking... hopefully things will get better with time and well feel more secure and less anxious as they get older.

Borrowed time is a good phrase. My DS is 2.5 and I still can’t imagine the future of him if that makes sense? Like, I taught 3/4 years olds and I could look at them and see them growing up and what they’d look like etc... I can’t do that with DS, j just can’t see it. I have recurring thoughts or visions of sitting by his bed in hospital, holding his hand and kissing him and playing Thomas the tank and paw patrol over and over as he dies in the bed. I’ve brought myself to tears before now as I can see him drifting away in the bed, murmuring choo choo to himself. I’ve never admitted this to anyone before.

The sheepwallstreet your comments ring true for me as well... I have suffered from intrusive thoughts before and still do but learned to ignore them and not beat myself up or think I’m a terrible person, I too suffer from anxiety and pull myself to bits about not being good enough.

Hi, I haven't suffered any pregnancy losses but I feel this too with my second child.
My first child has a disability, interesting what a PP said about loss and being aware that it could all be taken away at any time. It's not him I get this fear about. It's the younger one. But I have grieved in a way for the child I thought he would be.
With my child I feel this way about its like he's too good to be true (golden child) and can't be mine forever and I know (although recognise that this 'knowing' isn't really real) that I will lose him.

I have dreamt more than once of his death, too

Bach that is awful I’m so sorry fo hear you feel that way

Op I’m sorry to jump on your thread but I feel like this. Had a miscarriage before and now my LO is 7 months I feel very lucky but also terrified and we’ve had a few hospital visits already. I keep having horrible dreams of losing them and sometimes it’s overwhelming.

One dream I have is leaving LO in hospital coming back to visit and they start to say “I’m sorry...” then I wake up. So I feel scared just to even leave her for any time

I’m sorry I can’t offer any solution but know you are not alone x

TwllBach. The exact same things happened to me I can’t visualise her older either , whenever I hear of a healthy child getting sick and they are older than her I auto think ooh no that could happen to her, it’s so weird how so many of us feel the same but when I’ve googled before nothing has ever appeared that’s helped me feel less alone for feeling this way

Possibilitea. By all accounts none of us are as alone as we thought nit s nice club to be in but at least we now know it’s normal to feel this after a trauma or some sort of loss

Tiger bread addict I totally empathise with feeling like they are too good to be true and like a special child , just looking at my dd can make me cry lol, I haven’t suffered yet from dreams of them dying, so I’m sorry your having to go through that

Thesheepofwallstreet-that's one of the best ways I've ever heard of explaining what intrusive thoughts/anxiety feel like.

I feel like this. I had a miscarriage before my dd and I’ve struggled with this feeling that she’s going to be taken away from me. It’s at it’s worse when we are in the car.