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Original poster

My wedding & my son

21 replies

Sjb222 · 29/10/2018 20:18

I have to gorgeous boys. (6&2) my eldest is autistic. I am due to get married next year.. And I having major internal dilemmas whether to have my kids at my wedding.

Do people ever not have their kids at their own wedding??

My eldest is the light of my life.. But everything about our big day is he's worst nightmare. Big hall. Sit down dinner. Lots of people.. noise.. darkness. To name a few.

But the thought of not having him their is heart breaking.

Part of me wants to be selfish for 1 day and just be able to relax and not worry how or what is going to happen.

I was thinking of possibly hiring some 1 professional to watch him all day.. And take him home before the evening.. But he does not like to leave me and will have a melt down.

I really want photos of us all together of our day.. if possible.. But am I just putting him threw he's worst nightmare because I want photos..

I feel like people will judge me for not having my own children at my wedding.

I know I shouldn't care what people think.

I also won't have 1 with out the other.. like I'm hiding my eldest son. Which I would never do.

Am I over thinking this? Are there other people who don't have there own kids at their wedding?? Or am I just a awful person.

Any advise welcome!

OP posts:

Mookie81 · 29/10/2018 20:20

Plan it around him.
Limit numbers, lots of light, maybe a quiet room/area for him if he gets overstimulated.
I think you might regret not having him there.

BitOfFun · 29/10/2018 20:23

I understands this, having a daughter with similar issues. Do you get any help from your parents or anyone? Would it be possible for them to take the children home after the meal, say?

RollerJed · 29/10/2018 20:24

Personally, no I wouldn't get married without my dc. It would feel like they were missing out on something too big to think was ok.

Can you change your wedding to suit your eldest somewhat?

I know you probably want a special day all about you etc but to me, the moment has passed. Your wedding now should be about your family.

But that's just my opinion. I'm sure lots will be on to say it's your day, do it how you want

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JosellaPlayton · 29/10/2018 20:27

You sound like a wonderful caring mum, what a tough decision to make. How about a small intimate ceremony, close family only, followed by a big child free reception afterwards? And anyone that judges you doesn’t belong at your wedding.

Original poster

Sjb222 · 29/10/2018 20:29

Yes this is what I was possibly thinking.. getting my mum to run them home after the service. He is very comfortable with my mum.

OP posts:

AroundTheWorldIn80Days · 29/10/2018 20:31

I got married this year and had my 2 kids there including my 2 year old. She disturbed the ceremony a lot and in the only photos we have of us all together she is crying! It was still a lovely day but tbh if I did it again I would seriously consider leaving her at home. It’s not like she is going to remember it anyway.

If it’s his worst nightmare then it’s probably not worth putting him through it. You might not get the photos you want anyway. As an alternative, depending on the venue, could you hire someone or have a friend/family member to take him out to a different room/hotel room if it all gets too much? Maybe have some of his favourite things in there?

blueskiesandforests · 29/10/2018 20:31

I think it would be ok if you invite no children at all except newborns... It's about the only reason I can imagine having a childfree wedding actually.

How far along the planning are you. Are these worst nightmare options already booked and guests invited? Or is it all in the thinking through stage?

Aprilislonggone · 29/10/2018 20:31

What about a special family breakfast? Could he go to a friend's for the ceremony and be dropped off afterwards for photos?

BitOfFun · 29/10/2018 20:32

I'd do that then, and fuck anyone who judges before they've walked a mile in your sparkly bridal shoes.

Original poster

Sjb222 · 29/10/2018 20:33

We keep taking him to the venue.. We are getting married out side and he loves it. I couldn't care less if he runs around and
Screams the whole time.. It's the barn afterwards. We have been trying with he's school for years..to get him in he's large lunch hall... But it's something we are just not making ground with.

I very rarely get to eat out.. with out it being a massive drama.. We almost don't bother now .it's just to stressful for him. I feel bad saying i want 1 peaceful dinner/ evening.

OP posts:

Lunde · 29/10/2018 20:37

Would he cope for part/all of the reception if he had some noise cancelling headphones and/or a favourite TV show or film on a tablet?

blueskiesandforests · 29/10/2018 20:37

Ah then you're not not having him at the wedding! You're just not making him go to the bit he'll hate!

Could you line up someone he trusts and adores to babysit? Will your mum be willing or upset about missing the reception? Maybe his TA?

RebelWitchFace · 29/10/2018 20:38

Someone I know paid her daughter's(has autism) 1 2 1 from school to look after her during the wedding. Kid had a great time with someone familiar,ate in a separate room,ran around the grounds etc. but was still there enough to feel a part of things.

Original poster

Sjb222 · 29/10/2018 20:39

Yeah he has eat mufflers and I can bring he's tablet. We always have them with us. But he will find some where quiet and peaceful away from every 1.. to be by himself . I won't be able to relax knowing he is hiding away by him self.

I don't want that for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sjb222 · 29/10/2018 20:41

Well this is it.. It's hard enough with kids who have no extra difficulties. Lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Sjb222 · 29/10/2018 20:43

I was thinking of doing this!! But I. wasn't sure whether I was allowed to approach the school teachers for out side work or whether I'd be putting them on the spot.

OP posts:

Mayhemmumma · 29/10/2018 20:46

What about setting up a bit of a den for him? Pop up tent with tablet and treats, blanket etc to make it snuggly.

You're not selfish to want your wedding dinner in peace. Ask your mum if she'll take children home and put them to bed then possibly get a sitter so she can come back?

Frouby · 29/10/2018 20:48

Op I got married this May. My nephew was 9 at the time, on the way to a CAHMS diagnosis for autism and ADHD. His meltdowns are sweary, violent and dramatic followed by bolting. Everyone was very worried. There was no question of him not attending.

What worked for him was giving him a series of 'jobs' and planning everything meticulously. Also having a plan B and a plan C and a plan D. And preparing guests outside of the family for any potential outbursts.

He was an usher first off with a teenage friend the family. Someone he knew slightly, still a child really but who could guide him. The waiting around and not knowing what to do, or bouncing off our other young guests, and being told off by adults was always going to be the difficult bit for him.

We told him his duties as an usher were to move people politely to where they needed to be. So he knew after the service we wanted everyone in the courtyard for photos. At 5pm we wanted to get everyone back in for the breakfast etc.

The less structured parts of the day I asked him to help my mum with my ds, and told my mum that she could use my room for a cup of tea/quiet time for ds and nephew. They all disappeared (with my auntie) to watch tv and chill for an hour, then came down for the evening do, where he was ushering again by greeting evening guests, showing them where the bar was, where we were, where to leave cards and where the loos were etc.

Then the hotel staff (who had also been briefed) 'consulted' him as to where to place the buffet, he helped the dj for an hour, he looked after my ds a bit more.

He was so focused on doing a good job he didn't get chance to think about having a meltdown. He coped fantastically and was the best behaved child all day. Oh he also helped some of th3 smaller children set up and play some board games we had bought.

At 6 this is probably going to be a bit much for your ds, and his triggers are probably different to my dns. But structuring his day might help. And a couple of buddies on hand to help and somewhere quiet he can go if it all gets too much.

Would he be old enough to have a few special jobs? So ring bearer maybe? Then some ushering? Does he have a TA at school? Would they like to earn extra money working with him 1 to 1 for the first part of the day at least.

He is your ds and of course he should be there and you will find a way.

RollerJed · 29/10/2018 21:02

RebelWitchFace I think that would be a great solution. Then OP your dc are there, can experience parts of it they/you want them to but have someone to help out as needed.

Original poster

Sjb222 · 29/10/2018 21:30

Wow!! How amazing. You guys must of been so proud of him.

I wish I could have him involved in the day some how.. My son isn't where your nephew is yet. I'm not so sure he will follow what I'm asking. He lives in a beautiful little bubble of cheetahs & numbers. But I will have a think. Thanks for the ideas..

OP posts:

strawberryalarmclock · 29/10/2018 21:44

I work in a school, please do ask them, you may find that staff would be more than happy to support him on your special day (I would in their shoes!) and as long as school are ok with it, there is no issue.
Presumably with familiar adults like your mum and support staff he would cope?

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