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Can't get over being an evil child.

4 replies

Friendproblems · 29/10/2018 15:38

Inspired by the thread about taking someone else's child to school, it reminded me that when I was young, my mum had an arrangement with a neighbour to share school runs.

This neighbour told my son that I was a naughty child, who didn't listen, but I can't remember a great deal, except he shouted at me a lot - for walking too fast, talking too much etc.

I also had problems with my cousin. I was about 5/6 and went to my aunt's house with my nan. My cousin (about 10-12) was talking to his neighbour (same age as him), and I joined in, and got on quite well with him (I was mad on sci fi, so was he). They were playing ball across the fence, but stopped.

There was a noise from down the road of glass smashing. The neighbour said "oh no, lucky it's not our ball this time", and I said "it was me". I don't know why I said it, but the neighbour laughed.

My cousin went in, then my uncle came out and ordered me in. He was very aggressive in telling me off for breaking the woman's window. I cried, and said I hadn't done it, and I said it as a joke, and his son was with me, but my uncle told me off more - for calling his son a liar.

After he'd gone back to work my nan and aunt said they believed me, as there was no way I could have thrown a ball over a 6 foot fence, for several houses, then have it curve inwards (later found out it wasn't a window that had broken).

I had friends when young, but I was always 'different', I would make jokes that no one understood. I had quite a lot of sexual abuse (some I didn't know of till I saw it documented on my medical records).

I don't really have friends now. I make them, but never really trust anyone. I don't like myself much, and am so socially awkward it's unbelivable. I argue a lot online when people get things wrong (I don't so much as express an opinion in real life, as people don't understand me, so I'm very closed, though I don't think people realise).

My son was diagnosed with Asperger's recently and when asked why I didn't recognise it earlier, I couldn't say. I thought he was 'normal' (I don't mean offence by that). He went to grammar school, and his quietness and not wanting to socialise was the same as me(he's 27).

I worry that my younger child is going to be affected by me. She's more outgoing, but quite sensitive.

I was diagnosed as bipolar (and borderline personality as I used to have eating disorders and self-harmed).

I wonder if I may have autism, but that was dismissed by my doctor, as I can make eye contact and have an excellent imagination.

I used to tell the truth all the time too (even to my detriment). Once someone called my dad, and he didn't want to talk to him. When the man came I told him that my dad was there but didn't want to talk to him as he was a pain. I still tell the truth now (which is why I get angry with those who don't, but it's not rational or normal).

OP posts:
Flower777 · 29/10/2018 15:46

No children are evil. It sounds like you have an awful lot of trauma in your childhood as well as possible ASD. It’s not uncommon for ASD women to be misdiagnosed with BPD.

Have you ever had any form of therapy? It sounds like it might be helpful.

Friendproblems · 29/10/2018 15:47

Yes I've had EMDR for losing a child, and the abuse was touched upon, but it's brought a lot of it back, then the sessions ended.

OP posts:
Gwynfluff · 29/10/2018 15:48

If you are female, it is now coming to light that many women with ASD are misdiagnosed as they present differently to men with the condition. For example they are more likely to ‘mask’, so they mimic social interactions well. The mental health conditions you mention are also commonly co-morbid with ASD. Lots of people with high functioning ASD also have anxiety and there is some interesting work on the link between ASD and eating disorders in women.

I also note that the way you describe your childhood incidents and still feel confused and aggrieved by them was interesting.

I’d go back and speak to a different GP about further assessment.

However, you sound like you have parented well and really get your children - that’s a brilliant achievement. Please don’t be hard on yourself and it’s common to have feelings of being treated unfairly in childhood and to feel hurt by it. You also suffered abuse and it’s not surprising this will have impacted on you.

Friendproblems · 29/10/2018 17:10

Thank you. I will try to see another GP and see if I can get referred for testing.

OP posts:
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