WWYD exH not contributing towards DCs

[Aintnon]

I've name changed is this will be very outing.

I split from exDH late 2015, moved out straight away. The reasons I left him was that he is extremely lazy, never took the DC's to activities, never did any housework, absolutely crap with money, shouting at me etc. Very long list. I had been unhappy for years and begged him to start helping out - but he didn't. He never thought I'd actually leave and that I'd be his doormat forever. (I wanted us to go to councelling - he told me he didn't need to go as I was the one with problems.)

Anyway, due to my job, when we split we decided to have the children 50/50. And as he was on a relatively low income, I let him have the child benefit so that he could claim housing benefit and tax credits etc for them.

Fast forward three years - he never buys them any of the essentials. I pay for:

School uniforms, school trips, football subs, football kits, hair cuts, birthday parties - pretty much everything!!

All he pays for is computer games for them.

When the boys are at his house they miss all their activities as exH refuse to take them (always an excuse - forgot, couldn't get there, they didn't want to go, couldn't finish work on time). This means the boys are massively behind and are missing out.

Anyway - this spring exH has a heart attack which meant he couldn't have them for a couple of months. They stayed with me which obviously incurred extra cost for me for both food and childcare. I never asked for any money towards these costs as he was unwell.

A couple of months later and he got bad anxiety meaning he couldn't look after them for a month. They stayed with me and again this meant I had to pay a lot of extras - it is especially they childcare costs. I've made an arrangement with my employer that I work shorter days when I've got the DC's, and longer days when they are with their dads (meant to be 50% of the time). When I had them during the time that was meant to be their dads I still worked the longer days which cost me £22 in breakfast and after school club per day. It soon adds up!!!

Anyway, this time I asked him if he could please just pay me the child benefit for the period he did not have them. (I'm not asking for any maintenance etc. just the child benefit.)

He refused! His exact words were "a bit of understanding would be nice". He's saying he can't afford to pay me any money and is making it sound like I'm masking him to pay me out of his own pocket!

This has made me so angry. He never pays for anything normally at all (ie uniforms etc.) and now he's even refusing to pay me the child benefit for the time he's not even seen them!

Am I a horrible person for asking for this? I'm really struggling financially at the moment so it would massively help!

I've considered just starting to claim the child benefit myself, but that would mean that he would lose it and also most likely lose his benefits. He will see it as me making him homeless.

Any advise please as to how to go about this? What would you do?

Claim the child benefit and demonstrate that you have the children most of the time.

He is an adult and you are enabling his behaviour. He will have to make his own arrangements for home and income and that is fine. We all have to get on with it at some point.

Your priority should be your children - what do you think is going to happen to them if you continue down this path? They aren't benefitting from this and you've said they are missing out and getting further behind.

They have one crappy parent, you need to mitigate that and do the best you can for THEM.

Thank you Lemon. I know you are right and this is what my "real" friends are telling me too.

As an example - the DCs were at his on Wednesday. They always have football training on a Wednesday night. I drove their football kits to his house. They train a five minute walk from his flat. He still didn't take them to training!

I am just struggling because of the way he is. Everything is always my fault and if I make him homeless he will be telling people about what a horrible bitch I am.

Actually, everything is always someone else fault (not just mine), but nothing is ever his fault.

I work full time but have now taking on some cleaning on a weekend just to make ends meet.

Ahh bless you. But his can't continue, can it? You are subsidising him and yet your DC are still missing out....you know its crazy.

Its difficult but at the end of the day he will tell people you're a bitch anyway, so why work two jobs and deprive your sons for the same result. Those that know him will know he's full of it, and those that believe him will see his true colours soon enough. And if they don't, what bills of yours are they paying to have an opinion?!

Think of what suits you and what suits your children. They'll thank you for it in the long run. I promise.

It sounds like more consistency would be better for the children. If the access isn’t court ordered, change it so that you have them full time and he sees them EOW and you claim CB etc.

Fuck him. He’s hardly putting his children’s interest at heart is he?

Also claim maintenance, even if it’s just a fiver a week off his benefits it’s a fiver you didn’t have before!