How to support df after losing baby?

[Naicehamandfruitshoots]

My friend gave birth to her dd this morning at 36 weeks who sadly died. I have never experienced anything like this before and am utterly heartbroken for her.

I'd like to know how I go about supporting her, I barely know what to say let alone do, I have her ds here so I can take him to school tomorrow, but what other things can I do?

I have no experience of this either but didn’t want to read and run.

I follow feathering the empty nest and dear oral on Instagram. They’re both mums who’ve lost their babies (still born and neonatal death), they have blogs as well if you’re not on Instagram. They both have tips on what to say to grieving mothers after baby loss. They were also on Giovanna Fletchers podcast sharing their experiences.

I’m so so sorry for your friends loss

Thank you, I'll have a look at those In the morning.

I'm terrified to say the wrong thing, you kind of know what to say and when it's a parent or grandparent, but to lose a child, is unimaginable.

Hug her, hold her tight, make her a cup of tea, listen to her. Your actions say more than your words.

As fantail says and be prepared to do that for the coming months and even years - when everyone else has got on with their lives and has put this to the back of their minds.

It is better to say that you dont know what to say and be honest with her rather than saying nothing in case you say the wrong thing.

Talk about her baby, don't pretend he/she has never existed and his/her name cannot be mentioned.

Just be available for her, if you can, whenever she needs to talk, cry, scream or just sit together.

When similar happened to me it was the most unlikely friend that was the best with me. She had no children and was really not maternal in any way and right at the beginning I did think I didnt want to even see her because I thought she would just not understand how deeply I was grieving, but she was the best. She was just there and let me talk endlessly about what had happened and everything I had lost. Many really good friends at the time just seemed to fall away over the next few weeks and months. My friends circle was changed totally.

Don't try to say things like "At least you have DS" etc, easy to slip out but completely not empathetic. Main thing you can do is listen and hug because words wouldn't make any of it better anyway.

No specific words will make it better but the people I know of who have lost babies have appreciated it when people have acknowledged the loss and continue to acknowledge the baby weeks and months down the line.

This is by no means comparable in terms of level of loss but when I had my 3rd miscarriage in a row the people who were most comforting were those that just turned up and made it clear they wanted to look after me, so brought over nice food and a bottle of wine, invited me out for walks, over for dinner etc.

Amongst all the obvious awfulness of the loss of a baby at birth, it must be so very isolating as people are so unsure what the right thing is to say so they avoid the couple telling themselves they'll want to be left in peace.

I think I would just say how sorry I am and keep repeating the offer to be a listening ear. But also, physical things like taking some meals for the freezer may well be appreciated and inviting her out for coffee, a walk etc. always with the caveat of 'no pressure, but if you fancy it...'.

My friend lost her precious girl at 37 weeks. She said the hospital were fantastic at helping them at the start and when they got home, they were still given a midwife and then health visitor for support. She said the SANDS charity were brilliant too.

I agree with pp, just be there with tea, offer to help with food, washing. Talk about her baby - ask her if she wants to talk. My friend and her family celebrate their DD’s birthday each year. One suggestion that might seem a bit odd - she’ll probably get lots of keepsakes like foot prints and she’ll obviously have her scan photos. What about a firesafe box to keep everything in? That way even if there’s a fire those precious things will be safe (we had a fire a few years ago and it was losing the irreplaceable things that was tough). You could decorate it to make it look nice?

Thank you for all the advice, her and her dp are going to register baby's birth/death today, so I will see her later when I drop her ds off.

I'm going to buy a card and some flowers for them and cook them something for dinner tonight.

Use her DD’s name, ask if she has pictures, tell her how beautiful DD is... acknowledge her as a little person in the same way you would a live baby. In my experience, women and families who have lost babies want for their babies to be acknowledged and celebrated, not brushed under the carpet becaus it’s too uncomfortable to talk about.

I agree with what pp has said and thinking talking about the baby by name, is so important.
Maybe write a card to the baby? Saying you are sorry you never got a chance to meet her and that you will be there for her mummy and help look after her big brother etc.

It's such a terrible thing to lose a child. Remembering them is always welcomed in my experience.

My friend lost a daughter and the first Christmas that followed I made her little Christmas tree decorations one for each of her children with their names and she treasured them.

You sound like a lovely supportive friend.