Could someone help me word this please. Struggling to express what I’m feeling.

[retainertrainer]

I’ve had a falling out with a family member. I find them very intimidating. They technically didn’t say anything ‘wrong’ as such,it was the way they said it-very abrasive, aggressive.

I’m seeing them tomorrow and I want to say to them that I never want them to speak to me that way again however I know they’ll try and make out that I’m blowing things out of proportion,that I’m over sensitive etc. How can I say,in one clear sentence that my feelings are real-that the way I react to them (shaking,crying) is because of them and not because I’m over sensitive.

Lots of people feel the same about this person so I know it’s not me but in the past I’ve swept it under the carpet and not pulled them up on it. I just want to stand my ground and say you can’t speak to me like that. They speak to everyone like it so to them it’s just a normal way of having a disagreement.

Sorry if that makes no sense,I’m feeling a bit of a mess about the whole thing and I know it’s difficult to advise without the full story.

You've verbalised it yourself OP. don't speak to me like that. Thank you!

Don't try and feel you need to ease their discomfort at being pulled up. I've started to do this. I'm not responsible for how others feel. I just keep on reminding myself. If they retaliate, just point out that they're causing an uncomfortable atmosphere. It works both ways you know.

I think you've said it very well already. Describe what they did, tell them the effect that had on you, and say you don't want to be spoken to like that again. If they start saying you're being unreasonable, and make out that the problem is yours, don't get drawn in, just repeat yourself and say you don't want to be spoken to like that again. They can't argue with that. (Well - they can try! Hence, the idea about just restating your request.) Hope it goes ok OP.

Thank you both. I’ll use that tactic of not engaging and I’ll repeat that I don’t want to be spoken to like that again. I’m really no good at asserting myself.

When it's happening just try and remain calm and say "that's not acceptable behaviour". Rinse and repeat.

Thankyou,I will. I really really don’t want to cry but they just have that effect on me. I just want to be cool and calm and state clearly that it was unacceptable and that my reaction to it is valid.

Is that a form a gaslighting? Getting you upset and intimidated, and then making you feel that you’re the one in the wrong? I would distance myself from someone who made me that upset, hope you are okay

Do you have to see them tomorrow? Can you avoid them in future?

Silver-yes probably. I try to avoid the person as much as possible and I close myself off to them but sometimes they flare up and it’s not what they say it’s the way they say it. If they were calm it would be a normal conversation but it’s abrasive and hostile. When I try and pull them up on it it then becomes me who’s over reacting because they didn’t say anything wrong and when it’s repeated back then yes it’s fine because it’s not the same delivery.

'I just want you to know, if you ever make me feel like that again, I will no longer make any time for you in my life.' Follow with Paddington stare. Is what I would do anyway 🤷🏽‍♀️

Assertiveness training says 1) describe the behaviour 2)how it makes you feel 3) what you want to happen. So e.g 'when you do/say to me..It makes me feel...I'd like you to....(eg stop)'. Its great cos the other person can't argue with how you feel. Once you've said it dont get drawn into any debate.

Thankyou all so much these tips are really helping!

I did it! I feel like I could take on the world! I stood my ground,said very clearly and calmly what I wanted to say. I didn’t cry,I didn’t raise my voice when they raised there’s just repeated myself and then walked away with my head held high. I feel like the tide’s turned.

Well done retainer!!!

Yay. Well done.

Well done!!

Thankyou 😊

So pleased for you!

Well done! You're an example to us all!

Well done! People get away with this type of stuff because no one ever challenges them on their behaviour. No one has the right to bully and intimidate you.