Fear of dying

[DulcetMoans]

What do you do about it?

I mean, I know you can't do anything about it, ultimately that is the problem.

I try to not think about it but sometimes it hits me as an overwhelming wave and I struggle to breath. I need to distract myself but it keeps coming back. I just can't imagine not being here, I don't want to not be here. It's worse when other things are stressful, which is why I'm experiencing it now.

Do other people feel like this? How do you stop it?

Is there any reason why you are feeling like this OP? (medical etc)

It sounds like you do have bad anxiety attacks, because that does not sound normal. I would really see a counsellor.

I have always been a worrier about dying since I was a teenager after my dad died and then I was diagnosed with epilepsy that took years to get under control.

I also did have anxiety counselling as a teenager which really helped to put things in perspective for me, not just about dying but my general anxiety.

Although I do have concerns about dying especially since I have had children, I have accepted that I need to live life to the fullest.

If fear of death is an intrusive, distressing thought, then you may want to think about some talking therapy to help you manage it. CBT is very helpful in dealing with intrusive thoughts. I'm not saying that your thoughts are wrong, but that the distress can be changed.

It's very different for me. When things are particularly stressful, I find the thought that one day I will die is consoling. I won't have to cope with things forever, I'll get to lay down my burden. It will be a rest. No harm can come to you in that state. Yes, it's irreversible, but so is life - we are constantly moving forward.

I look forward to it, knowing that I will be reunited with my much loved and missed DH, and safe in the arms of a loving God.
I would talk to your minister or vicar, OP. It’s normal to have a bit of fear of the unknown, but Jesus promised us that he would prepare a place for us.
You surely wouldn’t want to live on and on, trapped in space and time here on Earth, getting more and more ill and infirm, surely?

Babdoc, your beliefs are your own, and I don't think they are either helpful or appropriate to the op.
Op, I know the feeling you are having, as I have had it too. Mine was initially triggered by deaths of other people close to me. I kept thinking I must be next. See if you can get some counselling, it really helps to talk this sort of thing through with someone.

I get this, have done since I was about 8 and it first hit me that everyone will die.

I also don't see the point in counselling as there is nothing that can be done, I will die one day and that is the fact I find hard to deal with, I just do the same as you and just try to distract myself.

Now and then the realisation that I really am going to die brings me up short. I think about how I felt before I was born, and that perhaps there is an afterlife but if there isn't I won't know it so won't be disappointed.

I don't know what's after this earthly existence. Might be nothing. But I caught a scene in a film recently, and it was an actor playing an academic. He had a loyal Labrador at his side. He was trying to explain his theory on the afterlife. It went something like this:

He opened the door to his office and placed his dog outside. The colleague was intrigued. The academic told him "imagine the dog being us on this earth. I close the door and all he understands is what he's dealing with at that particular moment. He's aware of the other side of the door, but until access is open to him he doesn't have full awareness until the door is opened and he comes through". Now I know its simple, but my brain deals with complex subjects presented at first in a simple way. Then I get a bit more comfortable and progress.

We'll just have to wait and see. Please don't waste your time fretting. Look at the positives in your life. Improve if possible areas lacking. Only you'll know.

The nature of death is not the issue here. It's how the OP copes with thinking about it that is the issue. Her thoughts are intrusive and overwhelming. They are an unhelpful reaction to stress. A bit like an adrenaline rush before an interview - unhelpful if it makes you sweaty and shakey and unable to order your thoughts. Just as there are techniques that you can learn and practice to reduce the adrenaline rush, there are techniques that she can learn and practice to reduce the unhelpful thoughts and their effect on her.

Lucisky, my beliefs are not merely “my own”, they are shared by millions of people all over the world. And all Christians (and presumably also all Muslims, and those of other faiths) find great comfort in the knowledge that death is not an ending but a beginning.
If the op is an atheist, then she is stuck with her unpalatable belief that death is final - and it would be perfectly reasonable to find the prospect frightening.
In those circumstances, counselling could only attempt to accept the inevitable, or distract op’s thoughts onto other cheerier subjects. Christians have an assurance from Jesus himself, which we find far more helpful.

I guess I have found it hard to gauge whether what I feel is a normal level of fear or not. I don't talk about it much in RL because... well that would mean thinking about it! I'm not sure I would have described it as intrusive but I guess maybe it is if it just hits me sometimes and I struggle to process it.

I do sometimes wonder if faith would help but ultimately I don't feel it. It is more that I don't think I can believe in something enough to find the comfort in it. I admire those that can just have that confidence!

What would CBT do though? Just coping with how to feel about it? I just can't imagine that working at the moment because I just won't know until it's too late! I can never know for sure what will happen.

Have you had anyone close die? I don't worry about death anymore since I've gone through it with relatives. Though obviously don't want to leave my kids while they're young.

CBT helps you to change the way you think and then how you behave/react when those thoughts arise. It can be really helpful and if the thoughts are becoming instrusive or distressing then it would be worthwhile to look into it to see if it could help you.

FWIW, I don't want to die. I have no plans to die anytime soon or at all if I can help it and the thought of leaving the people I love is a horrible one but I've been in a situation where I was actually dying and it wasn't scary. I had sepsis and was at the stage of waiting to see if the antibiotics were going to work. I was very poorly and I knew I was dying, I was sad to be leaving DH and the DC but I also knew I'd had a good life with lots of happy times and that the people I love would have each other to lean on. Thankfully the antibiotics kicked in and I made a full recovery but whenever I get the intrusive thoughts I remind myself of how peaceful I felt at that moment, it was like that feeling of falling asleep at the end of a long day, where you're pleasantly drifting along that line between asleep and awake.

Join a bhuddist meditation group. It helped me a lot.

I think I'm less afraid of death now I've been with close relatives as they died. I'm not so much scared of dying as I don't want to miss my grandchildren growing up, and I want to be here for my family if they ever need me.

I found that I really wanted to understand the dying process and recently came across a good book written by palliative doctor Kathryn Mannix. Book is called With the end in mind. I think understanding can sometimes remove some of the fear.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to explain this very well but here goes..
When I was in the late stages of pregnancy I had an overwhelming fear of actually giving birth. It was the unknown. What exactly would happen? Would it be painful? How painful? etc. The one thought that comforted me was that women for centuries had done it and that somehow so would I. I didn’t have any choice really!
I try to think pragmatically about death in the same way. Millions and billions of people since the world began have died, including people I know and love. I am not alone in my experience of death - it is a fate that becomes us all.
If there is an afterlife then great! I’ll get to know all the answers to my questions and see loved ones again.
If not then it will be exactly the same as before I was born - just nothing. I obviously don’t remember anything before I was born because I didn’t exist. And if that is what it is like after I die then that’s ok, because I won’t know anything about it, just like before.
I don’t know if any of that makes any sense op.

One of the hardest steps towards dealing with upsetting thoughts is getting over the idea that you're going to have to think about the thing you don't want to think about. You're used to coping with the distress by trying to avoid it, and now you're going to actively invite it in. It is a frightening thought.

But you don't do it alone. The therapist is with you to guide and support you.

Things I have addressed through CBT include disordered eating.

Why was I eating this way, what was going through my mind? I'm not going to go into all the detail, but one of the things that came up was my sense of being deprived if I didn't gobble up (and it was gobbling) a chocolate bar whenever I had the opportunity. And then I'd be angry at myself. So I'd start by telling myself off to try not to buy the chocolate. The therapist suggested a way of reframing what I was saying to myself when I felt that pull towards chocolate. Instead of anger, I tried love and self-respect: "I'm looking after myself. I can have some chocolate later if I still want it then." Blow me if it doesn't work! I still use that phrase years later.

I don't know how CBT therapist would help your particular issue, but then I'm not a trained therapist

It wasn't a magic pill. I had two 6w courses a few years apart. Things improved majorly with each.

Yes. I have had thoughts and feelings like this too and become panicked by it. I too don't want to not be here and no longer exist. I find it difficult to shake off the thought but try to think of my DD's and their futures. I also think of both my parents and brothers who have passed and imagine them waiting, to welcome me, when my time comes.

Poptartpoptart. Excellent analogy. I think it's very profound, but so simple. I too felt that way. As a species we've lost perspective. With birth, the majority of us experience joy & happiness. With death, the opposite. Some of us are frightened, others quite pragmatic.

I too used to believe in God/Jesus. I was in a religious cult for 32yrs. My faith just instantly died. My fear of dying was buoyed up by the bible's teachings. But I'm 'all at sea ' atm., and trying to find my feet. Your post helped me. Thanks.

i think i get you op i have similar thoughts and always have since i can remember

but mine change,my children lost their father years ago so i focused on getting them to 18yrs old as i could not think of them losing their mother as teens

they are now over 18yrs and i have a younger one (12yrs) who does have a dad but dad never wanted to know so in my head i think the same as i did with my other two

i still have very dark thoughts and if you asked me am i glad i was born the answer would be NO,i exsist really and often think of death but death does frighten me

I too am shit scared at the thought op, I get how you feel sometimes. I try not to think about it but when I do I rationalise it in my brain pretty much the same way Poptart describes.

The most upsetting thing for me is the thought of leaving my loved ones rather than actually dying though. Mainly my DS.

I did nearly die once though and when I was in hospital I knew I was critical and was relatively calm about the situation. Must have been the drugs but I do wonder if it would be the same....

I experience exactly the same thing, a lot of the time I'm fine and not really thinking about it, and then all of a sudden it hits me and I feel like I'm suffocating, it's the fact that I can't escape it. It's unavoidable. I do suffer from anxiety anyway so that could be one of the things contributing to it in my case.

Thank you all for posting! Maybe I will look into counselling but I am worried about having to talk about it and getting worse!

It is the permanent nature of it that is difficult - the permanency of nothingness. I do understand and completely get the pregnancy analogy but I am here on the other side of that. With death, if there is nothing, I won't even know I have experienced it.

I have had loved ones die, one being my Nan who I lived with for my childhood. She always said if there was something after life she would find a way to let me know. But she hasn't.

Thank you for the book recommendation too - I will look for that!

(Not sure why my posts don't have paragraphs!)