Is it normal to feel like I can't relax ever?

[Secretlifeofme]

Let me start off by saying that I'm sure my life isn't as stressful as some of yours, as sadly my DH and I have no DC (not through choice), I'm a middle leader in an international school. I'm out of the house from 6.45- 6pm most days, sometimes later. DH has an even busier job and is usually out of the house from 6.30-7.30pm. I cook most evenings, as I get home earlier, and DH does some cooking at weekends. We are lucky enough to have a cleaner who comes twice a week, so the only housework we do is washing up and light day to day cleaning of surfaces etc.

My issue is that I can't seem to relax. I am constantly getting emails from parents and senior leaders at work- fur example, it's 10.30 on Saturday morning here and I have already had 2 emails from the head and one from a parent. I am also constantly thinking about the next thing I need to do - work or home related. I can't ever seem to sit on the sofa and fully relax, IYSWIM. I also don't sleep well. I have recently got an apple watch and it tells me I am sleeping usually between 4 and 5 hours a night, and that the quality of my sleep is poor.

My question is, is this just normal life, or should I be worried? I sometimes feel very overwhelmed and as though everything is getting on top of me - but maybe I just need to woman up?! Any advice appreciated!

It's becoming the norm but it isn't normal. Lots of people I know are like this including me. I can't switch off - and it's made worse by my role being a job share where things continue happening even when I'm not there (similar to nurse in a ward - patients admitted/crises outside of your particular working hours).
I have a few colleagues who simply DO NOT check emails outside of work time. They use out of office or just don't reply. It must be good for them but alternatively isn't seen as being a team player and you can't rely on them for help.
I guess boundaries need to be set. Assuming the sleep issues are related to work issues then I think sort out boundaries. I need to listen to my own advice because I've been up since about 2:30 am fretting about work picking up after other peoples incompetence and have serious anxiety too. Good luck OP

I should add that often, the things I am thinking about are quite trivial. For example, I can't relax if I know the online shopping delivery is on its way - I keep thinking about it and wondering when it will come and if it will be late. Silly things like that :(

Thanks for the reply countfrown- I think we were typing at the same time! I just don't think it woukd be possible to do my job without answering emails outside work time, to be honest. And I think, like you say, it is expected that someone who wants to do well at work and be seen in a good light should do this.

I did listen to a YouTube meditation music thing the other day whilst at work. It did help a bit actually.

it is expected that someone who wants to do well at work and be seen in a good light should do this. If you want things to change you'll have to start caring less about what others think of you and care more about yourself. Easier said than done of course. For the next month why not try no internet when you get home. Enjoy your meal with no other distraction apart from conversation with husband, then half an hour on your own in silence. No TV in bed either.

@Secretlifeofme

I don’t think it is so abnormal, I rarely sleep any more than 4 or five hours sadly. I had a similar problem to yourself, I decided to not check my emails for at least 24 hours a week (assuming you aren’t working) to give myself a proper break. It was really strange at first, I was always absolutely non stop but over time I got used to it and it has really served me well, I know every week I will get at least 24 hours off!

Less said about the other 144 hours the better

I'd stop tracking your sleep for a start! It sounds like an awful way to relax. If you don't have the watch you don't know how much you allegedly sleep for and so won't worry about it.

Definitely sounds like you need to work on relaxing a bit. Downtime is important. You sound stressed to me.

I would agree you need to put some boundaries in place regarding emails. You can still be a team player. A full 24 hour period each week where you don’t check work emails is a good idea. People were team players long before we all had email at home and on our phones. It’s not necessary.

My DH managed a multi million pound business and refused to be constantly checking work emails. Knew full well my reaction if he had! He did have one of the partners in the business come back from holiday needing a new phone as his wife had thrown his in the swimming pool as he was constantly on it checking emails.

If it is something very urgent people can call. And I mean very urgent. You need to put an auto reply on that you will respond whenever.

I agree, get rid of that watch, sounds anxiety inducing.

I agree with those saying don't track your sleep. I did for a while, with a Fitbit, and it sent my stress levels through the roof seeing how little I was sleeping. It's utterly counterproductive.

Your body and mind need to know it's safe to switch off sometimes otherwise fight/flight system gets activated

If you're effectively on call 24/7 no wonder your brain can't switch off at night. It depends on your job but can you filter the out of hours stuff any way
Eg have a weekend autoreply that says routine emails will be responded to between x and y times. If your matter is very urgent and cannot wait please call me on.....

Also do some relaxation yoga walking etc

I’m like this but I am getting there. The most relaxing thing I have found to do is Pilates and I’ve only had one session! She taught me ways to reduce the tension in my neck and I’m sleeping better. In the past I have had acupuncture, reiki, massages, reflexology and hypnosis. All of these were lovely at the time but the effects were!’t as long lasting. It’s well worth investing in yourself to try things out. I’ve also come to the conclusion that I am not a person that can relax on the sofa or in the bath but I do relax cooking so we have one of those meal boxes each week which is my treat to myself.

My enterprise runs 24/7, so the senior managers are only available out of hours for major incidents. Those are defined as business continuity problems (site wide electric failure, fire, blizzards) or life threatening injuries. If someone dared to email the GM with a query about a newsletter at the weekend, he'd outbase them in Stornoway for a month.

Seriously OP, for the sake of your health, work out what's important, and then stick to it.

Agree with previous posters, ditch the watch, stress inducing in itself.
Restrict the emails as suggested. When I worked I never checked my emails over the weekend and I made it clear I wouldn't. I set an out of office response. On Monday morning there would be a batch of emails but never anything that couldn't wait. In your line of work I expect nothing is that urgent that it needs dealing with at the weekend and if it really is that urgent they can ring you. You need to be clear about this. Remember no one is indispensable.

Go walking every day, helps you relax, gets your circulation going and keeps you healthy.

Don't take your phone to bed with you. You are there to sleep not check emails etc.

Yes it's becoming increasingly normal and is very bad for your mental health

I get clients to work on gradually blocking out time (restricting phone/internet usage) - I've had to work with someone who couldn't even turn it off in the session (I'm a therapist)

Gradually introducing more mindful time away from it with more purposeful relaxing time - mindfulness exercise are really good for this.

Eventually people learn to prioritise their emotional health and there's a switch where they become resentful when people try to take it from them.

I have never met anyone who hasn't succeeded at work by doing this - quite the opposite. Good boundaries, strong resilience and a non people-pleasing demeanour get you much further.

Hmm, interesting food for thought here, thank you all. @LaurieFairyCake, would you mind giving me some pointers about mindfulness exercises? I think I need to implement it into my life and have read about it but don't really know where to start. Any more views or opinions would be greatly appreciated as well :)

When you say you're thinking about things a lot, do you mean worrying? Your online shopping example sounds like excessive worry. Have a google of 'postponing worries' or 'worry time'. Some people find it a helpful way of learning to contain their worries. Also agree with othr suggestions of mindfulness and boundaries around work. Unfortunately being available to work 24/7 does seem to be becoming the norm in many industries but you're not being paid for it!

Just a quick pointer (got client in 10)

Apps are a really good starting point. 'Breethe' (yes, spelled that way) and Headspace are both good.

I work on increasing people's tolerance to being by themselves and staying in the moment. A lot comes up for people when they're in the moment and not fast forwarding to the next task or ruminating on the past. Mindfulness is about learning to stay in the present moment and it's possible to practice it every moment.

Whether it's pouring a coffee, looking at the sky (always a good one) or just being - try very hard to stay in that moment.

The mindfulness scripts on the apps are a good starting place as you're not alone and they're guiding you.

Good luck 

Thank you @LaurieFairyCake- I really appreciate it and thanks to others as well for helpful suggestions :)

I'm much the same. Can't relax if I know someone is due to knock at my door. I only work 12 hours a week but am on my own as my husband works away a lot. My mind is always on my next task, whether it's washing, work stuff, taking DD to her next class, so on and so on. It's got to the point that I'm so exhausted yet I can't stop! I find on my days off I can't sit down, can't relax and it's taking it's toll.

I was like this until our head banned all members of staff from accessing emails after 6pm and before 7am.
She also stopped people assessing emails during weekends and holidays which has really lifted a weight off my shoulders.

I've found something as simple as going for a bruisk walk helps blow all my worries away. I do all my thinking when I'm walking and by the time I'm home my mind is all empty again.

And yes to mindfulness and meditation and breathing exercises. DD used to swear by yoga but sadly I'm way too unflexible for that Call me wierd but I like to watch the clouds. I also find smells help me to sleep - find a nice essential oil and put a couple of drops on your pillow at night.

What do your weekends look like OP?

@Vitalogy typically wake up about 5-6am (normal work time) then if I'm lucky go back to sleep until about 8 but usually don't as I'm immediately thinking about the day ahead when I wake up. Usually have about 6 hours worth of marking and planning to do over the course of the weekend, which I do all in one go on Saturday if I can - leaving it until Sunday makes me anxious. Usually DH and I spend some time out of the house during the day, maybe go for a coffee or lunch, then often on Saturday evening we have an event or something to attend for DH's work. We also do some food shopping and batch cooking for the week ahead on Sundays. Throughout the whole weekend though I do check and answer work emails - there is never a time when I ignore them tbh :(

The modern world has us always connected, always consuming, always “on”. Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig is a good book on this.

Mindfulness helps, I like the Headspace app (there’s a Headspace book too which is good) but wanted something free so have been using the Buddhify app.