Mother in law

[katie23913]

It's been a long time coming but I just had enough tonight with the mother in law and I snapped. I'm 26 weeks pregnant and we had an attempted break in at house house on Monday.

She's been driving me insane for years. She's got the typical 'I'm older I'm wiser' attitude. Every conversation starts with ' you need to do this' I'm 30 years old. Even my own mum does not try control me like she does.

She's acting like it's our own fault somebody tried to burgle our house. Then she says we have to change our home insurance. This woman has no clue on how to manage finance. I work in finance and am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. My boyfriend is useless at finances so I have always dealt with them because it works for us. She's telling me everything I have to do in order to look after a baby. I'm just over it now I've had enough.

I've told I'm sick of her telling me what to do, I can make up my own mind and don't need this anymore. I'm absolutely furious. When we left even my boyfriend said he was glad I snapped with her because she needed telling. I know she won't apologise and I don't even want to talk to her until she does.

Would you say I am being unreasonable? I don't think I should let her walk all over me anymore. Especially with a baby on the way. She needs to learn her boundaries.

I hear you and don't blame you at all for snapping. Plus pregnancy hormones!

Your MIL sounds ridiculous. Glad your BF is on your side too. That makes a huge difference.

Practice assertive techniques though, so you don't put up with shit and the blow your top. That way, you can nip every comment in the bud early on and your MIL may not escalate her behaviour.

If his mother needed telling then why didn't he do it?

He needs to deal with this. She’s his mother.

Yes he should step up and tell them you're adults

I think it was a good thing you spoke up, but agree BF should back you up now, so MIL can't just go 'Oh Katie, couldn't have really meant that, it must have been pregnancy hormones and stress'. I think he needs to talk to her and say you meant what you said, and she needs to back off with the advice, and that if you need any, you will ask.

And I would advise asking her - one way to deal with difficult people is to actually find ways they can help you, as it defuses their need to spontaneously 'advise' you about everything.

She was texting him when we got home having a go because he didn't back her up and he has told her she's been stupid.

To be honest I'm past the point of caring. Even if he wasn't on my side I've had enough now. I've told him this is going to happen every time we go see them until she realises that she's not walking all over me.

I think it's better coming from me, if I don't stand up for myself she's going to think she can do this all the time. My mum would not dream of speaking to him like that. I don't think she's used to somebody standing up to her so I think she was shocked that I put her in her place. There's no way in hell I will apologise for what I said either so I hope she's not holding her breath for me to say sorry.

I think it's better coming from me, if I don't stand up for myself she's going to think she can do this all the time.
I don’t think it’s one or the other. You should definitely challenge her if she’s being unreasonable. Your partner needs to talk to her alone so she knows you’re both in agreement and it’s more likely to be effective coming from him.

You need to learn assertive techniques. My mil likes control & to get one over on me. I don't ever let her see a reaction. If she wastes her own money on stupid presents for the kids, I say thank you & they are given to charity.

Just don't respond or say I'll think about it - let's hope she eventually gets the hint.

Mine has now learned & we get on ok - once she doesn't cross the line (it's taken 15 years though 😜)

@Lawerence Why are you suggesting a trip to Las Vegas?

Have some really bland, non-engaging replies prepared (my mil is also a fan of saying ' you need to do this' ).

"Thanks, I'll give that some thought"
"i don't think that works for us but thanks for the suggestion"
"Maybe next time, eh?"

Etc

If I'm really close to losing it I use:

"Oh mil, you do say some funny things"
"Let's not have an argument"

Just repeat them over and over again. If you blow your top, I agree with pp she'll just write it off as hormones and nothing will ever change.

You sound stubborn and I mean that as a compliment. I think this is one of my greatest strengths. My MIL hates my guts because I don't let her run my (or my DH's) life like she does her other child. One thing I did was always make sure I headed her off at the pass by being informed topped off with a huge amount of stubbornness. My MIL had many things to say about how I was breastfeeding wrong (she never BF her DC!), even though my DC where both bonny babies and my milk looked like a pint of Guinness when expressed due to the amount of cream/ fat on the top. She nearly phoned social services over the shoes I put my 1-year old in (soft, non shoes) and surveyed her whole family to get evidence that I was doing it all wrong.

I always read to books on how to deal with my baby and took advice from health visitors and my peers. When she tried to take over and tell me I was doing wrong a) I knew I was right and b) stood by my guns. I agree with Narya about phrases. I often found myself saying "Do they/ Does she..oh that's nice. Does anyone want a cup of tea?"

Sorry if I was going off on a tangent. My point is if you think things are bad now, wait till baby comes. She will be a million times worse. You need to head her off at the pass.

My mil's been behaving until today ! Invited her for Christmas & she had a complete meltdown 😂

I may have made things worse by asking if she was off her meds 😜

On the plus side, she won't talk to me until the new year so it's a win win 😂

I second sorting it out before baby - things will get a whole lot worse with a new grandchild to fawn over

Good luck, I got on with my MIL until I had a baby..... 😩