Potty training nightmare

[sofasearcher]

DD is a couple of weeks away from turning 3 and has basically been ready to use the potty for ages.

We made an abortive attempt over the summer, but she started withholding her poos and then crying as it was sore when they eventually came out, so we figured she wasn't quite ready, and waited a few more months.

When wearing a nappy (or pull up) she will hide behind a curtain etc. and go for a poo. She absolutely knows when they're coming.

So we have gone cold-turkey (except for bedtime and naptime) and put her in knickers all day. Wees are OK. She will generally go if we remind her and put her on the potty.

However, when she needs a poo, she will tell us, but then cry when we put her on the potty (or toilet, with a special seat - she has the choice), and basically (gross, sorry), suck it back up again so it doesn't come out. Then she has withheld it for so long, it becomes painful for her to pass.

When we change her into a nappy in time for bed... out comes the poo (with some more crying as it is genuinely painful by this point).

When she needs a poo, she also withholds her wee.

She eats brilliantly and healthily - lots of fresh fruit and fibre. Poo is never a problem when we are using nappies.

I have tried sticker charts, bribery, reading books about it, talking about it, watching her big sister do it... nothing is working.

I suggested putting a nappy inside the potty for her to poo on but she laughed and said that was disgusting...

Any and all advice gratefully appreciated.

It was quite some time ago now but two of my children were exactly the same. I ended up putting a nappy on them when they wanted a poo, they'd go hide and then come back when finished. They grew out of it eventually- I think there was a book or something I used about mr poo goes to pooland? It seemed to work. My eldest used to say doing a poo on potty or toilet was 'scary' but he couldn't tell me why.

Get her to blow bubbles when doing a poo. The exhaling motion helps prevent her holding it or clenching.

We had the same issue for years and it's only just cracked now since the summer. One thing I did was show DS an internet diagram of the digestive system and it really helped him visualise it. He knows now he needs to go most days or he will have sore poos. Orange juice and smoothies are brilliant for getting things moving in that regard too and a poo chart helps us keep track of when he's last done one so he can't get backed up. We had done movicol, suppositories, bribes, threats and everything, and it felt like every day I was scrubbing skiddies. Bleugh.

There's one way we successfully got a particularly hard one out when he hadn't gone in a week: He squatted right down in the shower and I ran the shower down his back which helped soothe - I think warm water helps melt the fats in a poo so breaks up any on the outside. Barely any discomfort, I scooped up the offending item with gloves on into the loo, gave him another quick rinse and bleached the shower afterwards. Gross I know but I was so desperate to sort it out and worn out from pleading, persuading, explaining and him crying and in pain that had he taken a shit on my bed I'm not sure I'd have cared at that point!

@lilraven Yes, that's exactly it, she says it's scary, but won't elaborate further. Of course the "scariness" is exacerbated by the genuine pain after she's held onto it for so long.

I'm loathe to put her back in a nappy for poos as it seems to send the wrong message. Perhaps I could put her in nappies for poos so long as she does them on the potty?

@MiggledyHiggins Good tip on the bubbles. She's sitting there as we speak doing that! I had tried a balloon for the same idea, but she's not strong enough to blow it up, so gives up quite quickly.

I really want to stay away from the medical route (suppositories etc.) if I can - even if that does mean going back to nappies for a bit. But I also sense a certain amount of stubbornness with her - it does feel a little bit of a battle of wills (as well as obviously her genuine fear).

We had this with dd1.
Sorry but the only thing that solved it after months of hell was movicol from the GP. Bubbles didn't help and she started holding it for up to a week the screaming when it did come. She eventually associated poor with pain.
Movicol soften it so took away the pain and now she's fine with it and was only on the movicol a few weeks.
Good luck.. it was a tricky time but it will get better.

I've heard a gradual approach, nappy ok but sit on potty to do it, hole in the nappy, just the top half etc might help. there's a book or something called poo goes home to Pooland. also try to find out if there's a specific worry- splashing or embarrassed etc. also make sure she's around when you're pooing to normalize it.

Along with all the advice here, could you/DH/DC all be a bit more vocal about when you are going to the loo for a poo? I know it sounds embarrassing to announce it, but actually quite a lot of children get funny about going for a poo because often we as adults will say ‘I’m just going for a wee’ or ‘I’m going to the loo’ and never mention pooing. Maybe just take another step back for now but carry on talking about poo in a casual way. The loo/potty will be stressful for her now, so it’s probably easier to try and get her to forget all about that and use a nappy for now, and then broach the toilet subject again in a while. She is still very young.

Just to pick up on the "scary" bit- I remember reading before that for a child it can feel like the poo is part of their body and that it feels like part of their body is coming out which explains why it might be scary! No helpful answer just thought I'd share that..

DS is 3 1/2 and still poos in his nappy. I’m sure he’ll grow out of it.

Apparently, for some, it takes some getting used to. The feeling of poo leaving your body whilst on the loo is different to doing it in a nappy.

the book 'poo goes to poo land' or something like that
play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=uk.nhs.ntw.poogoestopooland

Thank you all. She is enjoying the Poo Goes to Pooland book even if it's purely theoretical for her at the moment.

It's so frustrating because she's mastered the tricky bit - knowing when it's coming.

She is still pooing every day (albeit not where I want her to!) so no need for Movicol
just yet, I don't think.

Honestly try not to worry too much - she is trained in that she knows when it is coming and is not soiling herself. She is just choosing where to do it where she feels most confident and secure.
I had so much anxiety as my DD who is now a teen did this for a long time ... She came and asked for a nappy, filled it and I changed her ..... I was so stressed and it all worked out in the end ..
Don't make it an issue and let her decide to go to the toilet in her own time ..

I cracked it with my daughter eventually just before she started school as I said we had to talk about her poo situation and how we would manage it as mummy wouldn't be in school and available to issue a nappy when it was required .. but I still reassured her everything would be ok and there was nothing to worry about .... I explained that the teacher would not give out nappies as all the other children would just go to the toilet if they needed a poo .... she seemed to just get it then that she really had to use the toilet now as she was a bigger girl and it happened ..

Good luck - it was the worst part of motherhood for me...

Thank you all. I'm finding it frustrating because I know she's bright... but if I don't remind her to go to the potty every 30 minutes, I can guarantee she will wet herself. She won't even mention it to me.

She has "graduated" (ha ha) from withholding her poo to pooing in her knickers. I'm not sure if this is a step forward or a step backwards.

She will happily wee in the potty, but will often try, fail to produce anything (fine) tell me she doesn't need a wee, and then wet herself about 20 minutes later.

I know she's young yet, but my eldest was potty trained by about 2 and a half, and they are very similar in all other ways. Except my eldest was very eager to please, whereas my youngest often laughs at me when I tell her off (obviously I'm not telling her off for potty training), so I think perhaps there might be a psychological difference too, where she's less bothered to please me / do what Mummy suggests.

In the nicest possible way (because I know how frustrating this is), you're not going to win, and it doesn't help to compare her to her siblings.

Wait it out and she will get there.

My 15 year old did this too. We got through it before she hit 4, when she was ready.

It was the most frustrating thing and we threw away countless pairs of knickers, but she did get there.