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Is this normal, interfering or controlling?

21 replies

Monday2018 · 25/10/2018 08:04

I'm struggling to understand my brother in-laws behaviour.

He calls my husband nearly every day asking: where you to? What you doing? They are grown men, late 40/early 50s, does he really need to know where he is or what he's doing nearly every day!

It's got to the stage that my husband's phone will ring and he will say 'I bet that's my brother'.

When he comes down, he moves our garden bench, he never puts it back. I for one would never go to his or anyone else's place and move their furniture/belongings around. My daughter has told him I do not want the big heavy bench on the grass and I like it left on the decking. Yet he still does it. To annoy me I guess!

He's constantly trying to avoid spending at our expense instead. He knows my husband isn't working, but he and his wife have solid long term regular income. We are trying to renovate our house. Yet, when he needs something, he's on the phone asking for plasterboards, nails, screws, cement, etc, instead of going and buying his own.

He expects my husband to drop everything and jump for him. He will try to make my husband feel guilty. For example: My husband and I had plans to go and pick paint. He rang, he wanted my husband to go and pick a bed up with him. My husband said yes, no probs but later today, as we were just on our way out to get paint. He starts going on at my husband you never got time for me. I've told the woman we will pick it up now. So it can't wait. My husband gets off the phone and starts taking it out on me, shouting I can't please no . So he went with his brother and I was left to go pick the paint myself. The bed was left outside his brothers house in the trailer for 3 days.

He distracts my husband from doing our house for his own convenience. For example. He's MOT was due on one of his cars, they have two cars. He rang my husband to take his car for the MOT, which he did.

My mother in law past and without any discussions with my husband, they have made all decisions around what's left, money and what will happen to her house. The most selfish act I am upset by is that their mother had saved money away for the grandchildren ready for Christmas. Instead of keeping it and giving it from her, to the grandchildren as per her wishes at Christmas, they have split it between themselves.

I'm just wondering what people think of this behaviour please, as it's causing lots of argument between me and my husband.

OP posts:
RTFT · 25/10/2018 08:20

Your husband needs to stand up to his brother but he's also a dick for spending the kids Christmas money.

ShatnersWig · 25/10/2018 08:33

You have a husband problem, not a brother-in-law problem.

ShatnersWig · 25/10/2018 08:37

Come on, OP, wake up and smell the coffee. Here are three of your threads from earlier this year about your situation...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3162790-Family-confused

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3231845-Brother-in-law-driving-us-apart

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3371732-Is-it-time-to-draw-the-line

TheViceOfReason · 25/10/2018 09:45

Your husband is a twat.

But i suspect you don't want to see that or tackle it.

Monday2018 · 25/10/2018 10:01

I have tried and tried to make him see sense and stand up to him. But we have a little girl, who's obviously picked up on it and is upset, saying nobody is breaking up I don't want to hurt her.

OP posts:
chaffymcchaff · 25/10/2018 10:20

OP...in the kindest way possible...you are not doing anything at all to address your problems! You have posted many times on here, over a period of time, about your complete waste of space husband and his atrocious family. Yet...you're still there! Enabling all of their twattish behaviour! Why? Do NOT use your DD as an excuse...why are YOU still there? You'll get little sympathy here if you don't actually start taking some of the advice offered I'm afraid!

Ignoramusgiganticus · 25/10/2018 10:25

Yes it’s a dh problem. Your bil does what he does because he can. I agree that he doesn’t sound very nice though.

Why doesn’t your dh say no?

NoSquirrels · 25/10/2018 10:34

It’s not up to you toxhsnfe his behaviour, it’s up to your DH.

Of course your little girl wants her parents to stay together. But she’s a child - she’s not equipped to make that decision, she doesn’t have all the facts and experience of life and human nature.

Tell your DH - me or your brother. Mean it. Make plans to leave if he can’t flow through.

OutPinked · 25/10/2018 10:35

Your husband enables his behaviour so is equally at fault here.

AceAcer · 25/10/2018 10:36

Its not normal. Yes it is both interfering and controlling. But you will ignore what we say here and no doubt post the same again in a month or two.

icouldwriteabook · 25/10/2018 10:52

I am saying this in the nicest way I promise..GET A GRIP!!

you get 1 life and you're wasting it, allowing pathetic behavior between your 'D'H and his family to split you apart. More importantly your husband is doing nothing to sort it out and sounds like a waste of space- he can do 216 manual jobs for his DB and DP'S but cant go to work and support his family, or at the very least renovate/make his family home comfortable/safe for his child or prioritize his wife and daughter.

if you aren't prepared after 4 threads on MN to sort your own situation out and put your foot down, then leave.

your daughter will think more highly of you by removing her from a toxic relationship, constant seeing her mum upset and arguing than leaving her in this situation and your MH deteriorating.

do it for her, if not for yourself. and then please please learn your worth Flowers

TheWiseWomansFear · 25/10/2018 22:54

My sister does similar, she's just lonely - could he be lonely?

Monday2018 · 26/10/2018 07:49

I don't think he's lonely, but I guess he could be as he's in the house day after day.

We had another big argument, I'm at the point of asking for a devorce again. But I just need to make sure I'm not acting unreasonable first, as I know it's going to break my little girls heart 😭

I got home from work yesturday, his brother was there. We all talked amicably, then his brother left. My husband then mentioned that his brother asked him to cut the grass with him on Saturday. It's a job is brother gets paid for. I said why can't he do it himself you've only just done his MOT for him and Saturdays are always busy for us trying to get our house comfortable. So he responds with if you can't help family then who can you help. Yes but when the help is always one way that's unfair. And as soon as the grass has been cut he will ask you to do something else for him.

So this morning I suggested that he asks his brother to help fit our windowsill after they have cut the grass. He responded I can do the windowsill myself. Which resulted in another argument because his brother could also cut the grass himself.

But then it dawned on me perhaps he wants to do these things for his brother because he has said that he enjoys his company ad they never did things together as children. So is it me being controlling? This is really what I need to get my head around before I say it's final and contact a solicitor for a devorce. Plus the whole idea of devorce is scary - how would this affect our daughter?

In a way I also feel sorry for him as he's already had two previously relationships, which his ex's blamed his family for them splitting up.

OP posts:
shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 26/10/2018 07:52

No it's definitely not normal

Ohyesiam · 26/10/2018 07:57

No. No you’re not being controlling, You’re trying to get your life as you want it.

I would never be able to livie in this situation. How Can you have a husband you never listens to you?

Think of you daughter, Is it fair on her to grow up in this sort of setup? Let her see you choose happiness and leave.

Angrybird345 · 26/10/2018 08:27

I’d guess that your dh likes spending time with his dh, though it’s unfair. Time to split I think.

NoSquirrels · 26/10/2018 08:34

If he’d rather spend time with his brother cutting grass than with his family or making his home fit to live in then that’s up to him. Doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

Believeitornot · 26/10/2018 08:40

You’re using your daughter as a pretty poor excuse. And I bet you’ve hinted to her that you won’t leave hence her comments about no one leaving.

However you’re teaching her bad relationship patterns for her to make mistakes and be miserable in her future.

Yes it’s scary making a change like this.

But you can’t change your husband. Only yourself.

Believeitornot · 26/10/2018 08:42

In fact I’ve looked at the old threads. The bed/paint example is in that onefrom April (?!)

Just leave. You said you were at breaking point back then.

Bananalanacake · 26/10/2018 08:54

So why isn't your dh working. Has he been signed off sick.

7yo7yo · 26/10/2018 08:57

He’s already split up with two women “because” of his family. What makes you think he would pick you over them? Because he won’t.

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