Advice for (and about) my friend

[toomuchtvtime]

Yes I've nc'd as I don't know who I know (irl) on here. I'll try not to drip feed.

I've been friend with a lady for a good while now (we became friends through our dcs). She very sadly lost her dh a little while ago (just under a year now). They were very happy, had been together a long time and it was horrible for her. He was ill (had cancer) and they knew it was terminal. I think she basically did her grieving with him, when they found out and although obviously devastated when he did pass away, she's done amazingly well, keeping herself and the dc on an even keel. She says she's doing ok and she puts this down to having good friends - one in particular - and this is where she says she is stuck!

She has been really good friends with this guy for about 10 years - best friends really. He was one of the first she told about her dh, and he was very supportive while he was ill, and helped her a lot straight after he died. He does seem lovely. He is great with her kids and they both are very happy to spend time with him (he babysat them when she had to go out one night and she said he did great getting them to bed etc). They've had loads of days out, which they all really enjoyed.

She told me that he lost a parent young, so she thinks that's why he's happy to help out - to kind of pull them through this period. But to get to the point (finally, sorry!!) I think he fancies her - and I think the feeling is returned. She has mentioned things he's done/said (not in a showy off way, just in conversation) and I really get the vibe that he does, and just seeing them together when I have, he definitely has a the slightly googly and a bit protective vibe towards her. She gets a bit of a blush and a smily thing going when I ask what they did at the weekend for eg. She has said she feels happier than she should be being able to have their days out, and he's happy to let her plan more into next year! She has a tendency to put herself down, and I know she reckons no one would ever fancy her. I know he's single (LTR previously but over for a good while) and I kind of want to put her in the picture (gently though!) that this wouldn't necessarily be beyond the realms of possibility.

BUT - is this a wise idea? and could I just say (as I have kind of alluded to) that YOLO (to quote my dc!). I just really want her to be happy (And she is when they're together) - she really deserves to be.

anyone??

Let it happen organically. You don't need to do or say anything.

Just if it happens, say you're really pleased for both of them.

What is the issue? If they fancy each other, one of them will surely make a move at some point and it'll happen.
All you can do if she asks is tell her how she absolutely can have another relationship after her DP, their collective happiness means more than anyone judgy shit and that life is too fricking short for regrets.

Settlement in your relationship with her I might ask if she fancies him but that depends on what kinds of stuff you usually talk about

Thanks both.

We chat about all kinds, but this type of stuff probably wouldn't be too unusual. She has advised me when i have had relationship issues (complicated stuff, she was really supportive and happy to let me chat - and I am happy to do same for her). She has told me that her dh said pretty much as soon as they found out he was ill that he wanted her to be happy and not alone.

Thing is Sleeping I really don't know if either of them would make a move. She has alluded to more that just liking this guy (only vaguely) but as I said she isn't very confident lookswise and I know she doesn't think anyone would fancy her (she's said as much). I can tell that he is quite shy too, and from what she's said he was hurt by last gf. And I think neither of them would want to risk the relationship they do have. Even if is does mean longing for each other!!

When she said about feeling happier that she thinks she should be I said that she deserves to be happy after having such a shit time, and to remember what her dh said. And I did say that anyone who says anything else, well sod 'em!!

I guess I just want to give them a nudge!!

I think what you've said already sounds spot on. Maybe just repeat this with variations if it comes up again. Then hopefully she'll give him more positive signals and it'll gradually progress. And if one day she asks if you think he might fancy her, say YES!!

Also, could you help her feel more confident in her looks? If you can both arrange childcare and have a bit of spare cash, perhaps you two could go shopping for new clothes/accessories/skincare/makeup/haircare/whatever? Not with any specific goal in mind, no pressure, just as a fun day out without the kids for once. You could pretend it's for you if she's reluctant, eg say half your clothes are worn out but you hate shopping alone and need an adviser. Then point out stuff that would suit her as well. Or a spa day or similar. Or encourage some kind of hobby to help her find herself again.

After all she's been through, looking after everyone else, she might not have had much chance to take care of herself, and have lost track of what makes HER happy.

I hope it works out, it sounds promising!

Thanks toomany :)

I would definitely tell her yes!! I think they both need a little bash on the head with a small rock! They message each other back and forth most days - lots of daft stuff she says and stuff about the dc, and days out etc (like a couple!)

Wish I could work out why she doesn't think much of herself. She is always very presentable - hair and make up always done, and dressed nicely if casually (sahm). She is a bit overweight (as am I!) but is very conscious of hiding her bulges. She's not a fan of shopping.

I just really want her and the dc to be happy - and they are with this guy around!!

You sound like a really good friend! I suppose if you're both feeling a bit "bulgy" you could try a fitness class or go running together if it's not too tricky with childcare, but it sounds as if he likes her as she is, and so he should!

I was shy and underconfident when I met my DH through a friend, and that friend did encourage me, mainly along the lines of "Why not? What have you got to lose? Give it a go" etc. etc. That may be the line to take if you think she needs a more overt nudge in a couple of months. Worked for me, though I didn't have kids to think of.

I would imagine he's being a perfect gentleman and doesn't want to push her (and the DC) into anything too soon after the death of her DH. Maybe sometime after the one-year mark they may both feel they can move things along a bit without feeling too guilty. I can understand why they don't want to rush things.