Too socially anxious to go to parents' welcome meeting

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Just want a hand hold really. Tonight was the Foundation welcome meeting for parents and I started to go but then went to the supermarket and bought wine instead! Felt overcome with social anxiety and dread as I don't really know many parents to talk to and envisaged myself sitting at the back on my own surrounded by mums who all get on and know each other. Feel like such a bad parent! The kids are at their dads tonight (we're divorced) and I just know he will ask me if I attended and I feel such a failure for not having courage to go.

Ah OP, there's loads of parents all on their own. I work full time & don't know any parents from school so when I attend these sorts of things I'm always alone.

Is it secondary? Most parents don't know each other at secondary.

Be kind to yourself, tell your ex the traffic was bad so you missed it. And go to the next one, sit by yourself & play candy crush or something until it starts, it'll be fine. promise xx

Nobody would bat an eye at you. Nobody will be looking at you or oaying you any attention. People are generally too concerned about themselves to worry about others. Next time, go. Sit by someone,, smile.

Or arrange to go with a friend.

Bless you, thanks so much for replying. It's Foundation (primary school) so I feel like I should have made the effort, as I'm stuck with having to get on with other parents for the next 5 years!!

I feel you op- my dh went to my dd recent meeting as I couldn’t face it. Is it worth phoning/ emailing school to see what you missed? Could you meet a few mums at the school gate for a few minutes to phase yourself in?

I tend to arrive at the last minute for school meetings/concerts etc to avoid any mingling!

Go and see your GP and get help for the social anxiety.

What was it? A social evening or an expectations meeting?

I'm already on anti-depressants (Citalopram) but they don't seem to do anything about my social anxiety as it's psychological more than anything. I just feel like I'm invisible and people don't like me or want to approach me

It was a welcome meeting for new parents. I think it was about phonics and learning objectives

So just a presentation

Just terrified of getting there and sitting on my own like a lemon. I'm really bad at social chit chat. I did an Aspergers test on the internet and got 24 which is not on the spectrum but a lot higher than 'normal'

Your GP should be able to refer you to IAPT /talking therapies. Good CBT can be extremely effective in dealing with social anxiety. Good luck.

I can so empathise with this & you are definitely not alone OP. DD is in year 5 now so I have an excuse not to do the school run as she’s allowed to walk in by herself but I hate myself for it & am missing out on seeing some of my friends. Also I still haven’t met the new teacher! I have always hated having to go to concerts etc at school, although I’m better when I get there. Probably loads of parents are feeling exactly the same as you

I did an Aspergers test on the internet and got 24 which is not on the spectrum but a lot higher than 'normal'

The internet tests are not diagnostic, they are simply to raise the possibility that the person who took the test may have autistic traits.
Also, those tests do not take into account that autism can present very, very differently in women.
Judith Gould and Lorna Wing have worked for many years to identify presentation of autism in women.
www.autism.org.uk/services/diagnosis.aspx
Please do some research into the presentation of autism in women if you feel you'd like to know one way or the other.

Yes the tests are just screening questions, they don't give you a clear "yes" or "no". Honestly please don't worry about this. Most people will probably just talk to people they already know anyway. You will get to know people slowly through parties, playdates etc in much more manageable circumstances. Your children will be fine.

They will probably put the slides they cover up on their website, but if not, you can always speak to a teacher or ask for them to put the slides up. There will be loads of families who don't go because there's no one to have the children, other parent still at work, they have a prior commitment to football training etc etc.

Head teacher here. We often have parents who let us know they are anxious about certain situations. We make sure they have a member of staff to ‘accidentally’ meet them at the door and take them to the room, get them a coffee and sit nearby and make small talk.

Presentation meetings are just that - sit and listen and then go home. You wouldn’t have had to mingle, you just take a seat and wait for it to start then get up and leave when you want to.

What a shame op. If you don't know about phonics please get in touch with school and ask if someone will sit with you and explain it because it is a very odd system. It's great but odd!

For next time I'd say let school know so they can help you as pp said,

Don’t worry, lots of parents don’t know anyone. I’m always on my own at the back for a couple of years until I get to know dc’s friends’ mums at birthday parties. Even then, I’m too shy to approach them, but they see a familiar face and come over, which makes me feel less obviously awkward. You definitely aren’t the only one who feels like this.

Please don’t mull over this too much.

Dust yourself down, have an excuse ready as to why you couldn’t make it (work, family emergency etc). It’s not the end of the world and your absence would have been barely noticed if at all.

Maybe speak to your GP and get a prescription for beta blockers which would take the edge off and give you more confidence in these situations.

At our school these things are in the afternoon. A lot of the new parents (mostly mums) don't know anybody, some have younger kids in buggies. We provide tea, juice and biscuits. It's very low key and welcoming. Please don't be put off, lots of parents are as anxious as you are.

I completely sympathise. It’s harder being a single parent, isn’t it? It would be so much easier to attend as a couple.

You won’t have missed anything vital. The school puts them on for the parents. The children won’t be disadvantaged if their parents don’t attend.

You are understandably worrying about the whole school gate socialising thing. Attending tonight won’t have made any difference to that. You weren’t going to make friends tonight - it’s not that sort of occasion.