Low contact: does anyone know the rules?

[LanaorAna2]

Considering this as a way to maintain relations with some degree of civility while reducing the startling emotional harm. No juicy details, sorry, but I think I've finally come to the end of the road, or the garden path at least.

Different 'rules' suit different people. I am what, for me, is LC with my very critical, judgemental, overbearing parents. This means I meet them for dinner (out - I won't have them in my house and won't go to theirs) approx every 10 weeks. I don't phone at all and only text to arrange to meet. I send birthday cards & Christmas cards (enclosing gift vouchers) but don't spend these occasions with them. All since 2011 when I just couldn't take it any more - I said 'no' on the phone to one of mother's demands and she hung up on me - it was the culmination of many years of being very wary and nervous and tense around them and I just reached the end of my rope.

I sent a letter telling them why and how things would be going forward - they didn't contact me for 5 months after and since then I have kept to my rules - life is infinitely better with them on the very fringes of it!

Best of luck OP.

I think you just arrange whatever contact suits you and don’t go out of your way to visit or contact. Use less invasive methods like email and text, avoid speaking in person on the phone if you are likely to be railroaded or bullied. Email and text give you the space to consider what has been said by the sender, and whether you wish to reply or not. If the person/s invite you to things you can always refuse. Give as little information out as possible to avoid criticism, and remember that you do not need to justify your choices. Say you’re sorry you can’t see them as you are unavailable that day. Or you are away. Or working etc.

I send birthday/Christmas gifts and cards. That’s pretty much it.

Brilliant, thanks, very helpful. Does anyone know any non-confrontational, acknowledgment-type phrases where you indicate you're listening, but, crucially, not agreeing?

Eg:

DM: Your SIL has taken Dad's vintage key collection.
You: I see. Why is that?
DM: She said she wants to keep it safe in case carers steal it.
You: ....? It's very valuable, isn't it.
DM: Oh yes. She's keeping it safe on her sideboard for us. Isn't she sweet?
You:.....

It's the gaps, isn't it, that are the trouble.