I've just had an awful realisation!

[WombleAssault]

I feel awful... I've just realised that I'm really letting my kids down. I've been looking through old pictures & realising that time just goes by so fast. The kids really aren't so little now and the problem is, I've wasted so much of the time while they've been little.

This is going to sound really stupid but the realisation I've had is that I've got my head stuck in my phone far too often. Not only procrastinating, but doing stuff I "need" to do. The problem is, the world doesn't stop now. It used to be that to go shopping, you needed to actually go shopping. But now I'll be browsing online for birthday presents for people or Xmas presents. Or clothes that the DC need. Or I'll be responding to messages, emails etc. DD will ask me to play with her and my response is "I can't just now, wait til I finish this". The truth is though, if I'd been a mother decades ago before the internet took over, I'd have been a more present mother. If I needed to go shopping for stuff, I'd have had to have gone with the DC and it would have been an outing of sorts (yes a boring one but we'd have done it together), but now I'm with them, but I'm sort of not with them, because I'm "busy" on my phone half the time. What sort of a life is that?

I need to fix this. Time is too precious to be wasted this way. Definitely feeling like a failure

Start by getting off Mumsnet! ☺️

I could have written this. Every day I vow to be better and then find myself on the phone when my son is playing, having breakfast, when we're watching tv together and, shamefully, sometimes when I'm driving.

I catch myself doing it sometimes and put my phone in a different room but I actually feel lost and a bit panicky without it. As if I'm about to miss something terribly important.

I feel awful. But it's an addiction. It's horrible and makes me want to cry sometimes to be honest.

Whilst in someways that's true, shopping with the kids is really expensive!! But they do need to learn how to shop. To buy clothes to make meals etc

They also need skills in paying bills in a bank and how to blood wash up

I deleted all my social media 2 weeks ago for this reason, don't constantly have my phone with me either I feel so much better

I wonder what the solution to this might be?

@TheLuckDragon

and, shamefully, sometimes when I'm driving.

You need to stop this immediately,and forever. If you feel guilty ignoring your child, just think how much more guilty you'd feel if you killed them.

I'm in the US and apparently they are seeing a spike in accidents with toddlers/preschoolers at playgrounds because parents are on the phone instead of watching over them. I suspect it is harder for parents at a playground to strike up random conversations with other parents too since so many people have their head bent over the phone.

I do know that I have changed my way of driving - used to be I'd get into the correct lane and wait it out - didn't want the stress of trying to get into my correct lane before the turn. Now I get into the fastest lane available, because I am confident that someone will be on his/her phone - there are WAY more gaps in traffic now because of people on their phones. Way more accidents too.

I don't know, OP. Honestly, minding small children can be boring but it is in those boring minutes that your life is made. And it goes by very very fast - mine are nearly grown now. We have a ban on phones at dinner which helps us. I know some people who do a digital sabbath - no digital stuff at all on one day a week.

I'm in utter disbelief that anyone is browsing their phone while driving. Do people really do this?

Back to the OP, I feel similar in that when I think about it properly I know I don't want to spend time looking at my phone but in the moment I just get drawn in.

I wish I was born 20 years earlier so that I might have avoided being reeled in by smart phones.

I go all day at work without checking my phone, don't do personal stuff at work, so I can't see why it would be so hard not to ration yourself while the kids are about. We all have regrets in life, at least you are realising now, before it's too late

Do they go to bed at a reasonable time that you can get stuff looked at / done on your phone then ? Then you don’t feel guilty. And maybe while they are watching a programme that’s your screen time too after until they’re in bed ?

I don’t have a phone atm but when I did it was an old fashioned one that has no internet access. So I could text or phone if really needed but when out with my DC I’ve never been distracted by the internet, that helped a lot.

Doesn’t help when I’m on my iPad in the house though! I’ve set an alarm for the evenings to make myself come off and spend a few hours with my dc. If I don’t the hours just fly past and it’s betime without me noticing.

The truth is though, if I'd been a mother decades ago before the internet took over, I'd have been a more present mother

I'm not saying there isn't some truth in this. But I've been pondering this recently. I was on a course and we were watching a parenting video made in the 80s. In nearly all the scenarios the situation started with child playing and parent sat in room browsing a magazine. I was laughing that maybe before phones that's what mums were doing.

Also I remember my mum watching her favourite couple of programmes every day, or chatting to my aunts or a neighbour. I literally never have the TV on. If it's on its a children's programme.

My conclusion was that I need some grown up time in a day. I can't play or just hold children's conversations all day. If I allow myself some guilt free time then I'm more able to be fully present with the DC the rest of the time.

Time does fly by though doesn't it. I had similar feelings looking at toddler photos recently.

TheLuckDragon

and, shamefully, sometimes when I'm driving

Get off the fucking phone when you are driving, you selfish idiot, before you ruin someone's life

Not really. I'm in my 50s, and mothers didn't hover around their children back then either.

And NO kid enjoyed doing the grocery shopping with younger siblings in tow.

Each generation of parents is different, but doing their best.

Not really. I'm in my 50s, and mothers didn't hover around their children back then either.

I am in my 50s too but while we didn't hover (maybe- tbh there was plenty of hovering going on in the 2000s when my children were growing up) we also didn't have a constant, addictive distraction in our hands 24/7. I would have loved to have read a book while my smallies were playing in the park but I didn't because I might miss them falling off the slide or whatever. I probably still did sneak a quick read every now and then.

But a phone is way more addictive than a book or a chat with another parent - you get sucked in for quite a while - we all know this. I think phones and internet and games and websites (including mn) are an utter distraction and disruption to family life. Not in the same way at all that a chat with another parent or a read of a newspaper was.

You have to be utterly fucking stupid to use your phone while driving. You could kill someone. How good a parent can you be in jail for manslaughter?

Yes, you are right of course about the Internet being more addictive.

I really am appalled at anyone who uses their phone whilst driving. Won't say anything else!

One thing I hate to see is mums pushing prams/buggies with their little ones facing towards them and mum is on the phone. Yes, fine, if the child is asleep but so often they aren't. And could maybe do with a bit of attention. Maybe just me, but it really does make me cringe.

Mums on buses on phones ignoring toddlers. I'm not the only one who comments to the mums who actually interact with their small children.
Patronising? Maybe, yet they understand that what they're doing is rapidly becoming unusual. So many children now getting ignored by the people looking after them.

My children enjoy /enjoyed the grocery shop.
Now dd1 is old enough she goes and does it for me out of choice. The other two think this is unfair.