My fictional child..

[gotafeelingwithin]

My fictional DS who's 2, loves doing puzzles and sits on my lap to read story books.  He does not only want to watch the iPad. 

Ha ha, I feel your pain! I want a sort of Jesse Wilcox-Smith lifestyle with my DD4 but she would rather sit at the far end of the sofa cradling the ipad...

Approach it positively, get apps you can do together. I really recommend Nosy Crow and DuckDuck Moose games - fun and educational, as least as good as doing 'old fashioned' puzzles really.

My fictional 13 year old DD loves getting up in the mornings, does not lie in until as near to lunch time as she can get away with and is keen and eager to learn almost as soon as she gets up.

My fictional DH is not asleep in front of the football (but not asleep enough to hear if I try to turn over) but he is bringing me Prosecco and a cheese and tomato sandwich while I watch MY programmes!

I have neither a DH nor children but my fictional family were all so irritating, I forced them to leave home and never contact me again or I would serve them with a fictional restraining order.

My fictional dc read the 100s of books covering one wall of the living room (rather than play computer games) and listen to the 100s of CDs in the collection dh and I built up (rather than stream or download or whatever it is they do).

My fictional dc appreciate the 20th century. (Hollow laugh.)

My fictional dc always go to bed on time as soon as they're asked, never stall, never decide that's the time to discuss how Brexit will affect our next summer holiday or why they can't go to town on their own yet. Consequently my fictional dh and I always got a decent evening together where we chat and laugh over a little glass of wine and never fall asleep in front of the footie-

My fictional 13yo DS comes off the Xbox after playing Fortnite for hours without making a fuss and the first time he is asked.

My fictional ds self limits to no more than 45 mins of fortnite in the first place

My fictional 4 and 2 year olds don’t even know what an iPad is!

My fictional 8 year old loves spinach and all things green, has an immaculately tidy bedroom and we enjoy wonderful intellectual discussions.

My fictional self is 8.6 stone and looks so elegant even when dressed for gardening. She has super thick hair which always looks groomed and she handles an electric groom like Barbara Woodhouse handles a pug.

She aces at the poker table and occasionally smokes brown cheroots. She always manages to get a seat on the tube it actually, she doesn’t need that seat because she doesn’t have an arse of lard. She can effortlessly parallel park. Even when people are watching. And she never slobs around on mumsnet or watching box sets on Netflix.

Electric drill!! But a groom too maybe.

My fictional child is really good at sharing household jobs like washing up and putting clothes away. Everyday we have a good catch up after school where I get to hear about all the goings on and what went well/not so well. My fictional child also writes in detail what homework has to be done and is keen to get on with it, sometimes coming to me to get advice and let me know how it’s going. My fictional child is also really at ease in chatting with different people in various situations and always asks how I’m doing. My fictional child is the best.

My fictional 7 year old is satisfied with 3 meals a day and some fruit & doesn't constantly complain about being hungry.
My fictional 3 year old can manage to go for more than 2 weeks without biting another child at nursery.
My fictional children can play nicely together and not argue over who's turn it is for the iPad given that they can access exactly the same content on the tv.
My fictional children are awesome! Well so are my real ones but the new ones are less irritating

My fictional baby, being nearly 9 months old, sleeps through the night and has taken to solids really well. Teething hardly bothers him: in fact I was surprised the other day to spot 4 teeth already in his smily little mouth!

His big brother has just turned 4. He moves around the house quietly and carefully and is incredibly obedient. He loves tidying up.

I have a shower and dry my hair properly every day. I am a skilled and enthusiastic housekeeper. I am cheerful at 5 in the morning.

(This is fun)

Our fictional lives are just perfect 

My fictional child loves healthy meals and does not say no to everything offered. He would not even consider asking for cake for breakfast.

My fictional child jumps for joy at everything I cook. He reads lots of books and enjoys helping me with housework!

My fictional 15 year old DS has a love of learning. He doesn’t spend all day of the holidays on his XBox and he loves spending time nurturing and motivating his younger sister.

He showers regularly and is keen to engage in all family and friends social activities.

He’s also a real bookworm and devours 18th century literature. He begs to visit museums and galleries and loves nothing better than a long country walk.

My fictional 6 year old spends the whole night in his own bed and enjoys gentle television shows with a positive message.

My fictional 16 year old loves spending time with the fictional 6 year old and we have many fictional days out together as a happy family enjoying each other's company.

My fictional 3 month old just loves her Moses basket and sleeping peacefully on her own instead of on my tummy for 2-3 hour stretches :) I then do fictional keep fit DVDs and eat things other than biscuits

We've just discovered Catie's Amazing Machines on the kids bbc iplayer app. Vaguely Educational and a going against gender stereotypes.

I'd be happy if my fictional DS could wake up at 7ish instead of 5.45 every morning.

My fictional puppy doesn’t pull on his lead or dig holes in the garden. He plays quietly by himself when I’m busy, never picks up junk food in the street and sleeps until 7.30. He doesn’t sneak upstairs to poo when the door into the garden is open.