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Original poster

Adoption initial placement problems

22 replies

DawnLufc · 22/10/2018 20:40

My husband and I have recently had a 2 year old boy placed with us for adoption. After the 2 week introduction period we brought him home 12 days ago. The first week was fine whilst our little boy settled in but over the last 5 days he has started pushing me away. He will let my husband change him, dress and bath him but when I try to do these things he screams in my face, hits or bites me and refuses to let me. As soon as my husband takes over he is fine. Does anybody have any experience in this area please as to whether this is normal behaviour. I can't face the prospect of the adoption breaking down.

OP posts:

Escolar · 22/10/2018 20:43

How distressing for you, OP. Do you know anything about his background? Is it possible that he was abused by his bio mum and associates women with it? Were you given any contacts for post-adoption support? Don't feel embarrassed about phoning to ask questions.

WheresTheEvidence · 22/10/2018 20:45

I would say that if you take away the adoption. This is Atypical behaviour for a 2 year old and is him asserting some power. It may be that he has formed a closer relationship with DH but that doesn't mean he cant/wont make that relationship with you.

Keep persevering

AaahhwoooooOOOOooOOOOo1 · 22/10/2018 20:48

You should ask this to be moved to the adoption board.

How much do you know about his early experiences and is it possible that his birth mother in particular had difficulty parenting him appropriately?

Do you know much about his relationships with adults, eg birth family, foster carers etc?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Behaviour & development Families

AaahhwoooooOOOOooOOOOo1 · 22/10/2018 20:49

ask for this

HoneyWheeler · 22/10/2018 20:50

Take a look at the blog called 'the Larson House'. They have recently adopted a little girl from China who I think went through something similar - only wanted to be around Dad and pushed Mum away. Give yourself and your little boy lots of grace, this is a challenging time, but it will get better! Do you have a community of other adoptive parents you can talk things through with?

NotANotMan · 22/10/2018 20:50

Anything and everything is to be expected at this point. There is no reason why the adoption would break down. It takes time. Fair it til you make it.

1Violetcream · 22/10/2018 20:52

I can understand how upsetting this must be for you, when all you want to do is care for and be close to your little boy. Try to remember that it is an overwhelming period of change for your little boy. Children often go through phases and with children who have had difficult starts in life this is often very common and exaggerated. Try to be calm and just gently present, don’t force the issue and I am sure when he realises you are consistently there, not pressuring and still loving and available he will come to you. He is possibly testing you which is a natural thing for children. Or as a previous poster mentioned has had a trauma with a female presence in his life in some way. But with love and patience all will be well. It is a process with ups and downs just like any parent child relationship. Try to relax about it as much as you can and it will pass. Sending love. Xxx

Mayhemmumma · 22/10/2018 20:53

Perfectly normal behaviour from him and equally perfectly normal reaction from you.

This shouldn't mean the placement breaking down. His behaviour may also be linked to an attachment issue, anger and loss. Think what a huge adjustment this is for you and your husband and for him it is a million times more so.

He may well try to push you away but show him you are 100% committed to him by keeping going. Be consistent, calm and caring and you will build a relationship together. It might not be how you imagined but it might be better.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/10/2018 20:57

I’d second asking for this to be moved to the adoption board, there are lots of very experienced, knowledgable people who will really understand the challenges you’re facing.

What you describe isn’t unusual - the wee one will be terrified, all of his relationships ended and his home changed and his parents changed all at the same time. He may be kicking back against you because he’s decided you’re a safe person to kick against, he may be very scared of building a relationship with another mummy (he may not have experienced a Dad that was present or cared for him, so that relationship doesn’t have as much meaning for him), he may simply prefer your DH at the moment.

I know it feels very rejecting especially when you’re trying to build a bond with him. My two have been very rejecting st times. In your shoes I’d leave the practical care to your DH just now and engage with your LO in very unthreatening ways, maybe playing with a toy alongside him and waiting for him to join in, doing some kind of messy play or noisy play that would interest him, pushing him on the swing at the park or all three of you sitting on the sofa watching tv. Stuff that keeps you in contact but that he can chose on his terms.

NotMeNoNo · 22/10/2018 21:00

Hi, I'm an adoptive parent. Please don't worry, you are doing nothing wrong. You have a very scared or confused little boy who can't possibly understand at age 2 why he is with strange people and not his familiar foster carer, maybe triggering scary experiences from his past. BUT keep being reassuring and in your routine and he will gradually start to feel safe. Are you getting support from your social workers?

We adopted our son at just short of age 2. We thought he settled in quite well but I look back at those first weeks photos and I can see the fear and confusion on his face. Be reassured he's a strapping teenager now and still with us!

PS If you are in the UK and do Facebook there is a very safe and supportive private group of adopters you might like to request to join. here The admin team will ask you a few questions just to check everyone is genuine.

Welcome to the eventful journey of adoptive parenting!

hidinginthenightgarden · 22/10/2018 21:01

OP this is very normal. When we adopted, the SW talked about this and asked how we would feel about it, how we would deal with it. It is normal for him to attach more to one parent than the other. It is very hurtful but not a concern. He has had a huge change and is navigating a new world. He may only have the capacity to attach to one parent at a time.
Don't feel you cannot talk to your SW about this. Are they visiting weekly?

Haffdonga · 22/10/2018 21:01

I strongly recommend you post this on the adoption board not in general chat. Here you may find that you get a lot of advice some good, some terrible from well-meaning posters who understand nothing about the issues involved. (e.g. the suggestion this is some kind of power struggle )

Adopters tend to give very thoughtful, knowledgeable and wise advice to each other over there.

GreenTulips · 22/10/2018 21:05

I think you need to build his trust

Let DH do baths etc and you sit quietly and not get involved -
Then work up slowly in a week or two to you talking from a safe distance
Then joining in with DH as the lead
Then doing with with DH withdrawing

Good luck

Thebluedog · 22/10/2018 21:05

Use your adoption team to help you..

Our dd was placed at nearly 2 yes old and she was exactly the same, really bonded with my dh but she seemed to hate me, I was distraught, especially as I was on adoption leave with her. When he was in the home she wouldn’t let me feed her, change her nappy or care for her at all.

6 years down the line and this has all changed. She loves me and I love her. Just keep going OP, it’s all to be expected. She’s confused and probably frightened, she sees you as her main relationship at the moment so will try to push boundaries, push you away to make sure you stay (if that makes sense).

Original poster

DawnLufc · 22/10/2018 21:33

Thanks everyone. This does make me feel a little better about things. I'm worried that when my husband returns to work in 3 weeks i am going to really struggle with him on my own. I love my little boy but dont want him to be scared when daddy isn't here. He was placed in foster care at4 months old and was with the same foster carer for 20 months. He had a very good attachment to her and also called her mummy. She described him to us as liking male presence like her husband and sons. We were prepared for some difficult and challenging behaviour but I wasn't expecting him to favour one of us over the other to the extent he seems to be doing right now. I will speak to Social workers and keep persevering.

OP posts:

Amirite · 22/10/2018 21:40

Sorry, I have no words of advice but wanted to say what a beautiful thing you are doing for this little boy. You sound like a wonderful mum, I’m sure you’ll get there together.

Thebluedog · 22/10/2018 21:40

I could have written your posts OP, my dd also favours males (still does tbh), and was placed with her foster carers at literally 3 hrs old, and stayed with them for 20 months before being placed with us. So it must have been a horrendous change for both of them. We still don’t know enough about how these types of changes affect children so for the time being, just be patient.

You will find that once your dh goes back to work you will have that 1:1 time with your ds that’s needed to build the relationship. Do try lots of therapy excercise, and also try and get out and about with him, lots of toddler groups with other mums, start to build up your social circle. Plus fresh air is good for both of you.. just take it one day at a time. You’ll both be great

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/10/2018 21:42

It may be that he doesn’t have the capacity to process everything that is going on and can cope with building a relationship with just one person, which is your DH because he tends towards men. What happens just now if your DH is out of the house, will he let you care for him then?

Haworthia · 22/10/2018 21:54

Think of it this way - he has lost his (female) primary caregiver, and is taking it out on you. Your husband, on the other hand, is having an easy time of it because, being male, he doesn’t conjure up the same feelings.

I really sympathise because it must be so hard and so difficult. But it will get better

Thebluedog · 22/10/2018 22:02

*theraplay not therapy

Emz0 · 22/10/2018 22:05

Hi , I come from a SW background and your post caught my eye. I see that he was in FC at 4 months , attachment and trauma can impact the baby from pregnancy. You should have a link worker any worries you have give them a ring. I’m sure your doing a brilliant job

Crusoe · 22/10/2018 22:08

Fellow adopter here and unfortunately one with no time to post just now other than to say it happened just the same for us so yes normal!
It’s really, really early days for all of you - hang on in there.

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