Regret a life spent in the background

[LittleHootie]

I am in my forties, I met a 21 year old family member at the weekend. They were so confident and had already achieved loads and had a bright future.

Good for them but I have to say its made me feel sick with regret about my life to date.

At the crux of it my shyness and caring what others think has shaped it all. I didn't want to stand out at school and uni, felt awkward and embarrassed. Have only had one relationship, couldn't believe anyone could love me, he persisted, that eventually ended cos I always doubted him, thought everyone wondered what he saw in me.

I'm not "real" with people, just try to reflect what I think they want to see.

I feel like a non-person.

Is this a mid-life-fucking-crisis???!

You can only be you, you can't compete or go back.

Theres lots you can do now to be more outgoing/confident but equally maybe find peace with that not being you and that's fine, concentrate on your other strengths.

No, It's the realisation that this is an exhausting way to live.

Been there. You are not alone. I'm just 10years further on.

I wish I knew 'then' what I know now. I wish I had accepted myself 'then' as I do now.

Yeah, I'm different, weird, awkward. So?

Trying to live by or up to someone else's standards did not bring me joy. Constantly second-guessing myself did not give me confidence.

I've mourned my missed opportunities and released them. I am what I am and I am proud of what I have achieved.

I like your attitude jelly. I think I've accepted who I am. But I can't stop beating myself up over wasted talent and opportunities.

I want my son to know that he is amazing and can achieve anything he sets his mind to. I'm anxious that he'll turn out like me and just coast along eyes to the floor. But then I don't want to pile pressure on him.

Life is a headfuck.

I don't know where I picked this up, but I've always tried to apply it to my children:

The first thing a child should see when they walk into the room, is your joy in seeing them. Only once they absolutely know that you love them as they are, should you tell them to tuck their shirt in.

Even when we love our children, it is so easy to pick away at their confidence. "You always...", "Your brother never...", "Are you really going to wear that?" "That's just not good enough." "Nobody wants..."

Yet we could say "Please remember to...", "Thank you for...", "That looks good on you."

We could try to avoid absolutes, especially negative ones, avoid personal opinions (does it matter if I don't like dd's hairstyle? It's her hair, not mine.) and phrase things positively.

But before any of that, before you say anything, pause. Let them know that you see them as themselves, not as a reflection of yourself or your wants. You may find that whatever it was doesn't need saying after all.

So you're in your 40s OP. You could have another 30-40 years ahead of you. Are you going to spend all those years regretting what might have been, when you could start NOW and turn your life around. What do you want to do? Plan it, study for it, work on it. Go for it.

I'm not sure what I want to do next open.

Part of the wider problem and regret is that I feel a bit stuck. I'm a single parent with a small child, very little support so my evenings and weekends are all about childcare, the other days I work. I think I need a plan, so that when he goes to school I can try to find time for myself.

I'm ready for a relationship but it's not going to happen if I can only meet them every six weeks etc.

I feel like my life is on ice for the next few years, hence the "is this it?" feeling.

Get some decent counselling and make some changes! You’re only 41. Its not too late!

Oh sorry, not 41.

I once read something about the world not needing any more high achievers but needing more decent people. Sounds like you’re a good parent and you can be proud of that. Get a plan to do more things you want to but don’t feel there is anything you need to prove

Don't wait until he starts school. If you're already working now, him being in school won't give you more me-time.

Choose something you want to do. Something that would please you, whether it's taking up an old hobby, learning a new skill, studying for professional development, or even a regular outing to catch up with friends. And just go do it. Prioritise yourself. Prioritise feeling good about yourself.

10y ago I joined a community choir and learned to sing. Me! Stand-at-the-back-and-mime-Jelly! Wow do I feel good about myself Took a good few years!

I've also refreshed the practical handicraft skills my mum taught me when I was little. I see all the flaws in my makes, but others go "Wow!" and "Would you, could you, possibly, please make me one?" And I get such a buzz from seeing my makes in use.