If your mum died when you were a child or teen how was family life then?

[butterflysummer]

I am interested in hearing about other people’s experiences. For me, I found it just broke down completely. My dad met another woman, moved out and that really was the end to family life as I knew it.

It came as a shock as I’d really thought my dad loved me - more than my mum.

My mum died when o was 3. Had multiple women following her. I have two half siblings ( we all have different mothers). His current squeeze at any time was the best thing since sliced bread and could do no wrong. He moved one in when o was away on school holidays ( I was 10 and got home to find her loving in our house). One was v abusive to me. I can count 10+ women that I know of ( I can garuntee there are many more). TBH it was really shit and is something o never would want my children to go through

My mum walked out on my dad when I was 7, overnight.
I came down to find my dad in tears reading the note my mum had left.
She left my brother and I with him.
This was late 80s so quite unusual

Life was v v tough for about 5 years till my dad met my stepmom - we didn’t get on at all (we do now)
I moved out at 18.
Didn’t have all the practical stuff like proper clothes my friends did - and didn’t have the emotional support- always being the odd one out to all other families.
It still haunts me in different ways to this day in behaviours, thought processes etc

Sorry meant to say, it felt the same as her dying as never saw her again till I was 19.

In a way I’d rather she had died than left us

My Mum died when I was 16. My Dad started drinking. He started dating my Stepmum in the spring/summer and they both gleefully announced their engagement two days before Christmas. Our first without my Mum. I was sat in her house on Christmas Eve with my brother whilst a party was going on, thinking 'WTAF happened? Last Christmas I didn't know my Mum would die, and one year on I'm sat in a strangers house.' It's been a rocky road. On the plus side, he is happy, and she sorted out the drinking. But there was just no consideration for how my brother and I were still grieving. And at times that's been hard to take.

My dad moved on really quickly and the family turned to shit. It never recovered.

My mum died when I was 15 and my brother was 12. Dad had (in hindsight) always had a problem with alcohol. After mum died this began to slowly get worse. He met someone else and my brother and I were left to our own devices. We had no guidance or boundaries. My brother and I both made a lot of bad choices in our teens and he continued into his early twenties. I only really came to my senses because I had a baby at 19. He and dad had a very fraught relationship for the rest of dad's life really. So, in short, it all went to shit for all of us after mum died. If she had lived things would be very different and my dad would still be alive too. It's all very sad really.

How odd that every reply has been eerily similar.

In my experience, men do seem to move on quickly after being bereaved. My Dad just couldn't cope on his own.

Mum died when I was 14, I have 2 younger brothers. The violence in the home escalated and I became a substitute.

We eventually were taken into care. I arrived at school with my brothers after he tried to strangle them and told me next time he would be successful and would make me watch.

School took one look at us and called the police who moved us into a children's home.

It went to court but he got off. I struggled until about 6 years ago. In my 40s now married with 2 kids but I still hold onto traits I can't lose no matter how much I try.

Relationship with family is zero. I cut them out as I was sick of being reminded of my past. I had no control and sick of being reminded.

Sorry to say same here. My mum died suddenly when I was 17. People tell me, oh that's OK you were older

She died in the early hours of a Wed morning after being taken ill the Friday before. On Friday one of our neighbours came over to see my dad and she has been there ever since. That was 2 days later!

Up until my mother died I had a lovely family. She was the rock of it. A very loving, selfless and caring person. We were very close to her family and cousins and aunties.

After she died and this woman came into our lives it all turned on its head. My mothers family stopped speaking to us because my dad moved on so quickly. My mothers friends stopped speaking to us. This included me and my siblings because we didn't know what to say. We didn't feel old enough to stand up to my dad and pull him up on his behaviour. Older siblings fell out with us younger ones over accepting her (we didn't, we had no choice as we lived at home) His new girlfriend just wanted my dad and her 3 DC and not us and he spent all his time with them. When I was 19, my brother extrapolated me from this and moved me down to London with him. This was 30 years ago. I had a lovely family but now think I am from a dysfunctional set up.

When my mother died I not only lost my mother. I lost my dad and fell out with my siblings. I also lost aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Lost my security. There was a post on here the other day berating people for not wanting to hang out with GP's and family on Christmas Day. This really upset me as I don't want to hang out with people who have hurt me on Christmas Day. Not that I have that option though. I haven't spent Christmas with my Dad for 30 years. He spent it with step family.

I am happy now though you will be glad to know. I have a lovely husband and DC of my own. I'd NEVER chose another adult over my DC.

My mum died when I was 32 and I echo all of the above. My dad moved on within months (started at her funeral!) And my family has gone to shit. I'm lucky that I have my own little family but my siblings don't.

Amazing what glue these wonderful women were.

My mum died when I was 17, just about to turn 18. To be honest her becoming ill 18 minths-2 years earlier had been the bomb going off. Our famiky life had changed dramatically then and her dying was more of a relief. I hate myself for saying that but it's how it was. After she died the 'focus' of our family life shifted from our family home to my sister's (she had small children at the time), so that's where we had Christmas etc and has shifted again to mine now. Mum was kind of the driving force behind our family so we kind of drifted I suppose, me and dad didn't have family dinners or friends over or anything like that (my mum was a super hostess and the house was always full when I was a kid)after she died. It stopped feeling like 'home'.

This was over 20 years ago and in the total opposite to other posters my dad has never got over it. He has never found anyone else, never moved on, never stopped loving her. He sold the family home around 3-4 years after she died and when he moved to the new house he took her clothes with him, put her perfume back on her dressing table. They will still be there if I looked now.

^ That brought tears to my eyes.

My DM died when I was 20 and my DB 18 after being ill on and off for 5 yrs. We were left with our step dad who had been in our lives since we were very little. He remarried 3 yrs later, dropped us like a stone, sold the family house and disappeared for 20 yrs. My mum's family couldn't cope with her death and also cut me and DB out of their lives. I was lucky to have my dad and stepmum to fall back on but not having lived with them growing up, it wasn't the same.

As above, my mum's death at 20 was a massive bomb that destroyed my life as I knew it and completely shaped my future.

My DM died after a long illness, and in very distressing circumstances when I was in my teens. It was incredibly tough personally, but for me, it left me and my sibs/dad very close - we developed a real "us against the world" attitude which his first gf after my mum (a few years later) couldn't handle at all. Then he married my DSM and while it was hard (esp while I was still living at home - I took the upheaval badly) she put a lot of work in and I really do love her like a second mum now.

We seem to be unusual from what I read on MN but I consider myself to have an amazing family. I credit my DM, DF and DSM for that though - they all made is clear that me and sibs were loved and would always have their support no matter what.

This is one of the saddest threads I've ever read on MN

My mother passed away and my father (whom I’d been previously very close to and a big support to over my mums illness) also moved on extremely quickly, started dating a woman he knew that had also been bereaved within a few weeks. His normally open, happy demeanour became secretive and he was also very excitable, like a young lad swooning over is first love. This woman loved to calll the shots over the time spent with us and there was always the threat from her that she would break it off unless he did what she wanted.
I told him in no uncertain terms she was trouble but he then repeated our conversations to her, further cementing her dislike of me and my brother. After one episode of a few words with my father over her wanting to move in after just 6 months she messaged me with a load of mouthy abuse. I told my father I wasn’t putting up with a stranger treating me like that so I told him I wanted nothing to do with her.
He then said he wanted nothing to do with me then and he hasn’t - for almost 4 years.
This woman moved into his house on the condition he ‘signed over’ half of it to her in exchange for money to do large improvements to the house 🤨 he couldn’t see the madness behind this. She owns another 2 houses in which she’s ensconsed her adult children and now she’ll eventually end up with our family home (my father is quite a few years older than her).
So yes, it’s torn the family apart. A good thing that comes from these things though is you see people’s true colours. I believe all these things work this way out eventually.

They nearly always move on quickly. I know somebody who lost their wife after a long illness. Moved on after a very few months. Moved the new woman in within a year of his wife's death. He had two kids at this point. They have a what appears a reasonable family life but the kids have confided to a mutual friend that they can't talk about their mum, have no photos and nothing of hers. The new woman won't allow it. Which is really shit tbh. There is a half sibling now too but at least that's a joy, the kids adore the baby.

These are really sad. I had a very different experience. My mum died when my siblings and I were very small - toddler to 10. My dad was amazing. Not saying he always made the best choice, but he tried every single day to do the best for us. He was fun and adventurous and I grew up feeling very loved. My mum was still part of our lives despite her death.

He had some girlfriends, but they never moved in or anything like that. We came first.

My Mum passed away when she was 39 and my dad was 41, I was the eldest of 5 little ones. Life was so sad after she died, my dad became very depressed and then was made redundant a year later, so money also was tight growing up. He is now 80 and has never met anyone else, he said she was the love of his life and no one could come near her, she was his first and only love. All of us 5 siblings are very close and also close to my dad.

In hindsight, I wish he had met someone to share his life with, as kids we were terrified of having a stepmother, but he has spent half his life alone without a partner, he doesn't drink so never had a social life. Any holiday he has ever been on has been when he was invited by his kids.

I miss my mum every day, life would have been so much different if she hadn't passed away so young.

This thread is devastating 

I have terminal cancer and a 6mo DS. My wife is his birth mother. My only comfort, now that I'm staring down the barrel of leaving them, is that DS will still have 1 mummy who loves him. He won't remember me but I'm hoping I can love him hard enough for the time we have left to leave a kind of imprint on him.
I know that DW will give him a wonderful life. I'm so sorry for those of you who've had such difficult times without your mums.

I'm a middle child of three children My mum died when I was 10. We were surrounded by family and friends, many of whom went above and beyond to support us in practical ways, but there was no real emotional support, no therapy or talking. This was the early 80s. My poor dad, not a demonstrably affectionate or emotionally articulate man did his best. After a while he threw himself back into work, and eventually met and married my step mother when I was 17.

Me and my siblings coped. We got on with it. We lived in a big house, with a parent who earned a good salary, and who was kind, if distant. We all went to university and now have 'good' jobs, partnerships and children, but I do see us as irrevocably damaged in ways which run very deep.

It's very hard reading this thread, but I did as it's important. Thank you to others who have posted their experiences. It breaks my heart.

Hi, I’m coming at this from a different angle in that it was my father who died when I was ten. Afterward my family as it was pretty much crumbled and my sister and I had to grow up immediately. My mother because severely depressed and emotional abusive. We had no wider family support and we were very isolated and alone. I was bullied at school because of it and was terrified that people would find out how bad things were at home as my mother told us we would go into care if we spoke to anyone. It’s had massive repercussions for my mental health as an adult.
There is a charity called Winston’s Wish that does fab work with bereaved children. They have recently set up a Fb group for adults bereaved as children. One of the things I have found really striking from reading it, is how many people’s families fell apart after losing a parent. I found it comforting (although it’s awful how common it is) that there are others in the same situation. It’s tricky – my mother does have mental health issues of her own that predate my father dying, so perhaps I shouldn’t blame her for how she behaved. It was all just too much for her to handle. I don’t know.
MiriAllerman – I am so sorry to hear that. For what it’s worth, there is much more support and understanding of childhood bereavement these days (Winston’s Wish work with families in your position) and a strong support network can make a world of difference. Thinking of you and your family.