Am I right to refuse mediation in these circumstances?

[WetBBQPants]

The lady I 'share' an office with and I are not getting on. I say share in inverted commas because really I have no say in absolutely nothing that happens in that office. It's a rather large space where she has worked for over 8 years. I joined a year ago. I pretty much just occupy a small desk and that's my area. , which she keeps locked.

I am not allowed to turn the light on - it gives her a headache. So we have to work in the dark, maybe with some ambience lights on, but really not suitable for working. This gives ME a headache.

I have no storage space whatsoever. She has two humongous cupboards so full of crap

I have to listen to every conversation she has on the phone, personal and professional. She has an extremely loud voice and will be talking for ages with no consideration whatsoever to the fact that I am trying to do my job. When I have to speak to someone on the phone I am as quiet as I can be and I never make personal calls in front of her.

I have to sit there and listen to her conversations with other members of staff, again both personal and professional, and again really loudly. Some gatherings can last an hour, during which I am just sitting in my corner being completely ignored by a her and her colleague of choice discussing weekend plans, raucous laughter, etc.

When someone comes into the office to talk to me, she takes over the conversation. EVERY TIME. I am not exaggerating, there are no exceptions to this whatsoever, I have checked. It's almost as she can't bear other members of staff talking to me and she has to butt in and make it all about herself. If I have to talk to people I now go to them, but sometimes people come in to talk to me anyway.

She once shouted at me in a really aggressive manner for doing something that she wasn't happy with. I had already checked and there was nothing wrong with what I did, she just felt she should have had the control over everything I did. I did try to calmly discuss it with her at the time and this made her more and ore irate. She also gaslighted me.

She is senior to me but she is not my manager.

I feel her frustrations with me a born out of her desire to control everything and everyone, and I am not prepared to let her do that. A while ago after she shouted at me I tried to distance myself and now the atmosphere in clearly strained. Our line manager, a very close friend of hers, just wants this to go away so suggested a mediation done by her.

My issues:

This is just stalling. This is work pretending the issue is a misunderstanding and a clash of personalities and they're trying to make it better, when really she is a controlling bully and compromise isn't possible. I just need to be working elsewhere.

Line manager is a very close personal friend of hers so she can't possibly be an objective party. I did point this out once and she reminded me she was a professional and just wanted to help us both.

I remain unconvinced.

The obvious question, why am I still in this job? I absolutely love my job; it's a new career for me and I am doing well. This is an opportunity to get the experience I need, I'm also studying, so it would not be easy to get a job elsewhere now.

I would appreciate some views and thoughts on this situation.

I've been fighting something similar for two years.

I thought it was going okay and we'd started to... not exactly collaborate; but work together better. He complained to our manager, also his close friend, and I've been accused of being difficult. I can't see it ending well.

It make a back up plan if you want to try and see this out.

Thanks anchor. Ultimately I will leave but I love this line of work so much I need to make absolutely sure I gain the relevant experience. I guess if there's going to be a note added somewhere about the fact that I was offered mediation but refused, I want to make sure the reasons and clearly and objectively detailed too.

The manager can't be a mediator as she is friends with the coworker. Can you suggest to the manager that you have an impartial mediator? Someone not connected to either of you? I've if mediation doesn't work then you'll have to accept this is the way it is until your studies are over or cut your losses now and get out, no matter the inconvenience (having been in a similar situation, I recommend the latter - your sense of self/self esteem and knowing what is normal and acceptable in a workplace will get eroded over time in this environment).

That is terrible. We had someone who wanted all the blinds closed and would close them if you went to the loo, then got huffy when you opened them again. Have you thought about asking ACAS for advice? On health ań safety grounds you might be able to do something about the light if the lack of light gives you a headache. in our open plan offjce we suggested O H referral.
IF you have to have mediation you need to insist it is not your manager, particularly as they are friends and also are they both of the same seniority? If so that might be a good reason not to accept her as mediator.

I wouldn’t rule out mediation out of hand- if things do need to go further, it’s a good reflection on you that you tried to resolve things informally first.

Say to the manager who has suggested mediation that you’re open to it, on the understanding that it’s a neutral party who manages it rather than someone who has a personal connection to either you or the annoying colleague.

Does you work place have an HR team?

Thank you everyone. Yes I would accept an independent mediator but I know this would never happen because it will cost money. I work in education by the way.

One very important detail I have not said in my OP. After the shouting incident, I spoke to my line manager. This happened very shortly after I joined the department and was naive enough to think I should totally report these things. Anyway. Senior colleague was told about it and as I result she went all funny like she was the injured party and pretty much gave me the silent treatment for several days afterwards.

sounds soul destroying

letsgetreadytosamba I have nearly been destroyed but I am determined to get what I need out of this situation because I believe in what I'm doing. What keeps me sane is to keep talking about it and being reassured that I am not going crazy and that this behaviour is unacceptable.

If you have an HR department or access to OH, could you approach them on the grounds of her needing to work in semi darkness and you being unable to see?
The obvious solution would be for you to move to another location.

I’m a trained mediator, so hopefully can offer some sensible thoughts. I’d suggest that you say you are open to mediation and ask what the managers qualifications are to enable her to do this. Mediation is a prescribed process and requires 5 days of training. If she’s not done the training it’s not mediation.

If she’s not been trained, ask for more information on how they will run the process. I’d specifically want to know what will happen in the room, how they will ensure they remain impartial and whether it’s confidential.

Proper mediators will never keep notes and will never share information after mediation, is this the case here?

A mediation works towards seeking agreement between two parties, so this could work in your favour, in that you should get some of your needs met. You may agree to have a written agreement between the two of you that covers for example, lighting, private phone calls and storage. You need to understand what will happen if any agreements you reach are breeched.

I’d suggest you think really hard about what you want to change and what you will compromise on and use this as an opportunity to get what you want. How else is the situation going to shift?

I would do mediation, if you don't it looks like you are the unreasonable one, not willing to try. As such, they may have to get rid of you, it's easy if they feel it's not resolvable, you're only there a year.

It also would be helpful for her to see why she doesn't like you, clearly your op is all about everything you do right and she does wrong, I'm sorry but uou will find she has a different view.

So do the mediation. Don't accuse your manager of not being able to be professional. Honestly you're just making it worse.

Could there be an impartial rather than independent mediator, so someone from a different department for example?

Yes, some good suggestions here, thank you.

I see why refusing mediation might make me look like the difficult one.

Of course I accept that she'll have other gripes against me and I am willing to listen.

I have tried to be as objective as possible in laying down the issues that I find unacceptable without letting my personal views of her as a person get in the way.

I have come to conclude that she is an insecure manipulative controlling narcissist but I wouldn't say that to her face or anyone else's. Instead, I am trying to objectively lay down the facts I find unacceptable like the light, storage, interrupting...

On my part, I accept that after the shouting incident I felt so intimidated, that I started keeping out of her way and communicating very little.

Ok you hate her. She clearly isn't a fan of yours either. The two of you need to learn to work together, because you're the one who will lose here. She has eight years to your one. And she will have her own laundry list of complaints. She is also it seems popular in the company.

Also accusing your boss of being incapable of mediating due to personal bias is never going to go in your favour and make uou look like the injured party.

If you want to keep the job, you really will have to play nicely here, even if it is all her fault.

Don't refuse mediation, that's going to make you look completely unreasonable, especially as she'll be all over it.

Keep a diary of all incidents.

Suggest practical things to help the situation. I've worked in an office where (genuinely) the overhead lights gave a colleague a migraine, so they bought us all individual desk lights. Most of the practical things you cite aren't insurmountable.

Hi Bluntness100, I don't hate her but I no longer have time for her, I guess because I feel an old leopard doesn't change their spots and I've seen her at her worst. I feel intimidated by her and like I just want to keep my distance. It is true that she 'seems' well liked across the company, she is a powerful person. I have worked in the company for 6 years and also liked her, until I transferred to her department and into 'her' office. I never imagined for a second she would treat someone this way.

Ah, ok, I took the joined a year ago comment to mean the company. If it's six years you probably need to look at a transfer out, or she does.

But I'd go to mediation, I'm not sure it's resolvable though if I'm honest.

I would do the mediation. Go in with a list of things but maybe don't include absolutely everything as you'll be seen to be difficult. Maybe still to the ones that are covered in law (see here). I'd also have some ideas for solutions.

"Lighting: must be suitable and efficient and natural so far is reasonably practical." - you need a bright enough lamp as current light levels are damaging your health

Storage - you need some for yourself, so need to be provided with a filing cabinet or something

Conversations - not a lot you can do about the phone, but could you both agree that, if people come into the office, they are moved elsewhere (staff room) so everyone can have privacy?

You need to keep in the right, so agree to the mediation, but don't let her walk all over you. Maybe you could email your list to all concerned beforehand, so you have a chance to get your points across, and suggest she does the same.

Yes thank you everyone. You have given me a lot of food for thought.