How do you handle incidents like this?

[RunningWhileTheWorldBurns]

Minor I know. But I feel like I need to know the correct way to deal with this.

So DD is 4 and at nursery 3 days per week.

There is a wee girl in her class, let’s call her J, who is quite boisterous and confident and outgoing. All the kids want to her friend. I think she can be a bit cheeky and sometimes not very kind to the other kids but hell, she’s 4.

Anyway she has started being a bit unkind to DD. Who has come home tonight a wee bit upset. She said “I asked J if she wanted to play with me but she said no and she said she never wants me to come to a party again”. So I said “well tomorrow I think you should find someone else to play with. Don’t ask J to play if she’s not kind”

DD: “but I don’t want to. I want to play with J”

How do you deal with little spats like this at this age?? Obviously my temptation is to say “tell j to get stuffed” as one would in the adult world 🤷🏻‍♀️

Any thoughts? As an aside, J is one of the only kids in the class who will be going to school with DD next year so I’m not keen for any big fall outs.

J is the flavour of the month and because everyone wants to play with her. Her desirability increases 10 fold.
The more you tell your dd to play with someone else the more she won't.
I'm afraid your dd has to learn the hard way and eventually find other people to play.
Will be hard for both of you but it's a valuable lesson.

I’d ask the teacher who else she gets on with and encourage that friendship to be honest.

I would have a quiet word with teacher. In a nursery setting these little things can go unnoticed but can (as you are experiencing) be really upsetting so it’s worth mentioning!

I’d leave well alone and let them just forget it.

If it's as minor as what you have described I certainly wouldn't be making a thing of it or your dc won't be able to get on with anybody.
I'd just listen and respond with something like "that's sad" and let her live another day tomorrow. They figure this stuff out.

Also your dc has probably said the same on occasion to other kids and you're unaware. Even the first few years in school each parent has a completely different version coming home with their child and none of them are perfect but it doesn't sound alarming.

I’m not alarmed by it. I just don’t know what the right thing to say to my child is in terms of how she should handle it. The responses are very mixed here too

I would say (and have said, when my two have gone through similar) - friendship should be easy, with no one making the other person feel sad. If she’s making you feel sad, she isn’t a good friend and so it’s best to find another.

I think I'd say "I'm sorry that J doesn't want to play with you, I'm sure you do feel bad about that. But we don't always get to play with whom we want" and leave it there as far as talking to DD. Please don't tell her that J is a little shit (or words to that effect) because she won't play with her or tell her to play with someone else. Just sympathize and let it go. DD will most likely 'get over' J and find someone else more congenial.

Do talk to the teacher in a neutral way about encouraging DD to play with other children, whilst not saying negative things about J. They're only 4 and all their personalities are evolving, including J's.

It’s quite interesting actually, because reading this reminded me of DS1 and his nursery days. And now, 7 years on and in the final stages of primary the same 2 children have consistently remained the ones all the others want to be friends with, and seem desperate for their approval. I think it’s their confidence that’s pulling the others in- and funnily enough, they’re the only ones in the class who were 2nd born, all the others were first/only children, so could be they were more aware of “order of the pack” even from that early stage.
I encouraged DS to play with other children that had a similar nature to him, and with time they all grew to be one group who (generally) get on well together. It’s something to keep an eye on, as sometimes one child can hold all the power and then calls the shots in who plays with who, or who is excluded and children seem to go along with their ideas. As long as that’s not the case, I’d use it as a learning curve for your DD and suggest others she may want to play with.

Op I get its upsetting, but. If you were to dive in to the Nursery every time another child said "I don't want to play with you". You'd never be away from the place.

Also we all know the way kids are
Your DD and J will probably be playing together to day.

I would suggest watching the channel 4 series, the secret life of 4 year olds ( also 3 and 5 year olds ). The psychologists that talk on it are very enlightening.

and funnily enough, they’re the only ones in the class who were 2nd born, all the others were first/only children, so could be they were more aware of “order of the pack” even from that early stage

That’s so funny. J is indeed a second born and I was saying to DH this morning when I dropped DD at nursery that second born kids always seem to be more confident and that I reckoned that was the reason they all wanted to be pals with her!