What is wrong with me? Why don't I have close friends?

[PracticeWhatYouPreach]

I'm 29 and have 2 DD's. DH & I live away from family as we had to relocate due to his career.

My childhood was difficult because my mum was very emotionally abusive. Teen years were difficult. My mum didn't so much as tell me about periods let alone buy me tampons. She never washed my clothes, I'd wash my own from about age 12. She'd never buy me shower gel etc etc so secondary school was tough and as you can imagine, I faced a few embarrassing situations. I think my mum had a fear of me ever falling pregnant (she's a catholic) so hoped that by not allowing me to take care of my personal hygiene, that would prevent it)! When I got a little older, I went completely off the rails. Drank too much, slept around a lot, tried my fair share of drugs, had depression and eating disorders. I met my husband who I didn't treat well initially (I had no self respect) but then he saved me from all of this and taught me to love myself which is something I never knew how to do.

I still loathe myself at times for mistakes I have made in the past, but I am in a much better place. I'm actually quite a likeable person and have many acquaintances, and some friends. But sometimes I feel like I just can't take a friendship to the next stage. I know that sounds odd but I mean, I don't have anyone who fully knows me and my past, I don't have anyone who could just turn up at my house at a moments notice who I'd be happy to welcome in without having my house spotless. I don't have friends who I can rely on to be there for me at the tough times in life. I feel like I can't let anyone in to that extent. Not because I don't want to, but because i don't know how to. I just want to be normal, like everyone else I see who has these close knit groups of friends who all stick by one another through life's highs & lows but no one ever seems to want that sort of friendship with me. Why am I like this? What's wrong with me and how can I fix it? Please help!

Bump.

Didn't want to read and run. There's nothing wrong with you. You possibly find it difficult to trust others and that's understandable as the person who you were closest to in your informative years let you down. Have you had any counselling?

That’s awfully quick to bump a thread!

Do you know that others don’t want that sort of friendship with you? It sounds like you’ve had a difficult life and that’s resulted in some difficulty letting people in. What struck me is that a lot of the things you mentioned had more to do with your comfort level than with anyone rejecting you.

I know it’s easier said than done, but could you access any sort of therapy? It might help you deal with some of your issues and you could find yourself more open and confident in the future.

I suppose the little groups of close knit friends you see usually have a common history. Either they all went to school together, or they met at work. It doesn't sound as though you had the opportunity to connect with a group of people, as you had a chaotic (if that's the right word?) childhood, and haven't put down roots where you live. Still, you've got a DH and DC so that's a blessing.

Maybe get to know some of the other mums? Invite their DC round to play with yours? Get involved in the school support groups (Friends of...) or set one up, fundraising for the school?

I often feel the same tbh I have no one I could talk to or hang out with I'm not really sure why! I don't think there's anything wrong with me! Do you work? Any school mums you could try talking to?

I used to think the best friends where the ones you clicked with from minute one (sometimes they are) but actually close friendships can take time and often there are initial stages of discomfort and awkward moments of silence. If you can get past these stages then often as you build up a history, feel more comfortable around each other, bonds form and suddenly you have a close friendship.

I agree with others though and I feel you would benefit from counselling. To have a close friend is to be vulnerable and this requires trust.

I don't know OP. I'm in the same boat and I had a boring normal childhood. I do find it hard to trust people and that probably has a lot to do with it.

It's not unusual.

Never had a group of besties. Apart from secondary school when I was always in the geeky misfit crowd.

Have kids with asd, now.

Thanks everyone. I suppose at least I'm not alone and there are others who feel this way. At times I feel like I'm happy with things the way they are but it's approaching my birthday and it's just going to be a reminder for me of how few people actually care about me. I've cut contact with my mum this summer and as a result of this, my dad won't speak to me anymore. Me and him were always so close but he believes we should just bite our tongues around my mum and now resents me for turning my back on her. I'm so grateful to have DH & our DD's but that's it for me really. A part of me feels ever so empty.

Part one is seeing that these supposedly close friendship groups you mention actually don't exist in the way you think they do. From the outside they might look perfect and happy etc but the reality is people aren't perfect and there is usually plenty of dysfunction and drama going on. What I've witnessed is everything lovely and bubbly for maybe 3 months max then it all goes tits up. Friendships go through seasons and people step in and out of each others lives all the time. You're not missing anything in that respect.

Part two is getting out of the habit of letting thoughts rule your life e.g. "I don't have X, I'm not good enough at Y" all of which is ultimately not about your life situation but a feeling carried over from your childhood. It sounds like there is a massive backstory esp with Catholicism involved. Be kinder to yourself.

I really feel for you but agree with others you need to learn to trust.

Get yourself socialising as much as possible. Maybe try a new hobby? I made friends dancing. I also made friends at an art class. And work.

Keep posting and well done you for being strong and cutting ties.

Family estrangement must be so difficult. I just want to say you’re not alone in not having a group of very close friends. Most of my friends from when I was younger are scattered all over the country, so I feel my closest friends day to day are some of the mums at school. They are lovely people, good to chat to and we do each other occasional child-related favours. But we don’t socialise without the kids really, or have deep heart to hearts. And that’s fine. I have DH for that.

I think you often need to see close friendship modelled in your own childhood to have a close knit group in later life. If your mother was social, liked & had a buzzy home & steady stream of close friends popping by it’s easier somehow. The ‘skills’ have been modelled & you’ll expect similar in later life on a subconscious level.

Adversity often knits closer friendship, time & shared experiences. I would rather have a kind, reciprocally thoughtful, small circle who were on my wavelength then any ‘group’ for the sake of it. Doing an activity, book club, regular fitness group etc may help. If you join don’t expect to gel necessarily with first one you go to & give things time. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your words of support. I think I'm finding myself doubting my decision to cut my mum off, especially now my dad isn't interested in me anymore. It's a very lonely place to be and it's a time when I wish I was able to form close friendships because I think that would make this loneliness somewhat less overwhelming. I don't want to be this damaged person that my mum has turned me into and more importantly, I want to show my daughters a better example than I was shown. Hopefully this will get easier. Thanks again everyone.

Just take it one day at a time when he kind to yourself.

You suffered neglect. And a lot of it. There's no wonder you can't be around her. You can't make your dad speak to you but he's being very selfish.

I think you could do with talking to someone. Have you spoken to your GP?

That should say...take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself!

Thank you CuriousMama. Nope, I haven't spoken to my GP. I had ban post natal anxiety and got over that about a year ago with my GP's help but I feel like this isn't so bad as that and hopefully I'll just deal with it all myself. I've never really opened up about my mum to anyone though. I find it hard. It brings back awful childhood memories and I try not to think about all of the many many mistakes i made in my late teen's. I'm extremely ashamed of the person I was and don't think I could relive all that.

Practice if it's any consolation I made many choices that weren't always good in my teens and older. I don't call them mistakes as I've learnt from them. Plus my journey however colourful it's been has led me to having lovely son's and dh.

One man I was with ended up being a stalker. It was awful but I knew he wasn't right. But he did lead to me getting my dog from a rescue so something even came good out if that episode. And there's been lots of those

You weren't in control of a lot of the bad things that happened. Plus even when you did do things you may regret, you had been damaged so your mind won't have been healthy.

You should be proud you've come so far.

Lots of mistakes there sorry. I sound like Yoda

Came back for a read the birthday thing probably is going to be upsetting not a single person wished me a happy birthday i was really upset I'm going to plan myself a day out for my next one eg spa day definitely arrange something for yourself

How are you doing OP?