Shutting them in their room?

[Donthugmeimscared]

My 10yr old son has had violent melt downs since I can remember. As he is getting bigger I can no longer hold him until he calms down so have been told to just shut him in a room until he calms himself down as "things are easier to replace than people."

When he goes into one he throws things and will attack his younger brother. When I shut him in his room he will throw and break things but has also kicked holes in the door. I can barely hold the door shut as he's so strong when he gets like it. He gets punished by losing all his toys and having to earn them back but my problem is that things aren't easy to replace as I can't afford a new door and anything else he breaks. He shares a room with his brother so clearing the room isn't going to work either.

Has anyone else had experience of this and what helped stop the anger or how did you cope with calming them down?

I would make an appointment with the doctors to see if he may have underlying conditions and perhaps have therapy for different coping mechanisms.

Hi I have been to the drs and he was referred to the school who put him in an anger management programe that itsn't helping. It tells him to go blow bubbles in a drink when he feels angry. Which would be fine if he didn't go from calm to screaming breakdown in seconds.

Autism has been mentioned but we keep getting passed about and because at school he is quiet and never shows these tendencies they won't back me up .

Can you record an episode on your phone? A referral to CAMHs by GP should surely be appropriate. Mention that you're concerned for your younger sons & your safety. They'll have to act then.

I'm sorry you're going through this. A 10 yr old being this destructive & out of control is very worrying & you're right to be concerned.

FWIW, it's not at all uncommon for children to 'hold it together' all day in school & then their frustration emerges when they get home.

really good idea to record it and then play to GP.
You can start the referral process, through GP.

In the meantime, what does he say himself?
At 10, I would expect him to have some insight into what makes him flip, and some insight into what helps.

Things like learning to leave BEFORE you get to screaming meltdown.

There is a great system (sorry can't remember many details) you have numbers 1-5, where 1 is calm and 5 is melt down. You can say to him, and he can say to you, I am on 4, and then needs time out to calm down.
While it looks on the outside as if he is going from 1-5, internally he is already on a 4, and then loses it.
Once he learns that you will drop everything to give him time out, and comes to trust the system, it is a great way to head off melt downs.

Get him to engage with what helps too. Does he need a tight hug, some space, to put a blanket over his head, to run round the garden. get him to start to explore what helps to take the anger away.
Talk to him when calm about hurting people, and deflecting that onto something safe - punch bag for example.

I think you need to push really hard for help with what's causing the underlying anger - outbursts like this are unusual at 10, soul-destroying as a parent, and dangerous for family members.

Bubble blowing is all very well, but actually dealing with the cause is more important.

I'm no great expert on the autism angle, but from what I know it's silly for school to dismiss because he's coping when there - as a PP said, it may well be classic masking to cope at school, and then letting it all out at home where he feels safer to do so.

It sounds like he's greatly distressed - I'd push for referral to CAMHS, but pay for quicker psychological assessment and help if you possibly can, as CAMHS is falling apart in most areas.

You might do well to re-post this on the SN board rather than in chat, to get some more specific perspective on this.

- I've been there (for other reasons), and it's absolutely horrible. Ours was due to specific traumatic experiences, and dissolved after lots of top-notch psych input, for which we had to pay.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I think I may try and catch it on my phone next time he has a meltdown. He's been like this since he was little and I've always been told he will grow out of it and just to keep him in a room where he can't hurt anyone or himself. He's starting secondary school next year and I'm so worried how he will cope. Anything from me saying we are going out to the planes being to low set him off. Sometimes it seems like nothing does it. He finds hugging teddies keeps him calm but at his age people comment or take the Mick. It's so hard to know what to do and as he's nearly the height of me it's getting harder to deal with.

The meltdown and the need for calming tedddies to me hint towards autism.
If it is - he is totally overwhelmed and stressed out and perhaps very good at masking at school (Note: mum, daughter, granddaughter, sister and aunt of people on the spectrum here)
Let him have his teddies and come down like a ton of bricks on anybody who comments. And press really hard for an assessment.
I can get easier.

As far as the teachers tell me he is just very quiet at school. They say he doesn't ask questions or say if he's unsure of things. He's a real stickler to the rules as well so he has never been in trouble. The only time he had problems was in reception and year one when he had to be held back by two teachers so I could leave the school whole he pulled his shoes off and threw them and screamed.

@Donthugmeimscared
Having read your last post. Please get him assessed as soon as possible.

Shutting in room really doesn't work nor does anything restraining-like once they are stronger than you. It's daft advice.

Push for assessment.

Definitely try to record - not only for the assessment, but to show your DS what he is like when he is behaving like that. My son had no idea how scary he was (and he's younger than yours) and it did help him understand why it is not acceptable.

Mine has a hatred of numbers so use a traffic light scale instead. Also giving space and making sure sibling does too if a red school day.

I'm going through the same thing. It's so hard. ((Hugs))
DD's door and handle are nearly broken from me holding it. As is my spirit . She's seeing a school nurse to chat a couple of times a month. I need to find the time to push for more help for her.

It sounds really difficult and i agree with the other posters about trying to get more help f rom school/doctors.

Do you work? If yes are there any employee assistance or private healthcare benefits that may help you to see a private doctor/educational psychologist/counselling service?

In place of a teddy, could he carry a hefty jacket, something like a parka which is soft but has enough heft to give the resistance if he hugs it? That way he can avoid the feeling of being mocked.

Can you agree a safe space with him, a shed or the corner of the garage, maybe a punch bag or bean bag he can jump on, throw himself on and release that anger without causing damage. Not probably an ideal long term solution as he needs to learn to manage the anger, but possibly a way to damage control while you get support.

Oh and I did get slammed on here before for encouraging DS to be violent.. but I got him a punchbag.
Any punching or hitting anyone or anything else has severe consequences. No throwing allowed inside. It helped us in that we could direct his anger away from an audience and to something safe. But he could still let his anger out and not be punished for what he couldn't help if that makes sense. He rarely uses it now.

What's his technology usage like? I've found it can really affect his behaviour.

I have been thinking about getting him a punch bag. We live in a small three bed masonette so not much room for it but will try and find somewhere. I have found squashing him calms him down which sounds a bit weird. As for tech he gets so much worse with it and gets very angry when it's taken away. Arcades set him off too. He loves them but it's like he gets so over excited it decends into a meltdown. I've gotten to the point we just avoid places like that which makes me feel bad for the other two. I just find it's like living with a ticking time bomb and we all walk on egg shells as you never know when he's going to blow.

Bit of an update the school have decided to refer him for one to one sessions with the local Cahms woman to see how she feels about him as in the small anger management group they noticed he was very reserved and not quite as advanced as his peers on a social level. So hopefully that will help a bit.

Have a look at the website Lives in the Balance - www.livesinthebalance.org/ and get the books The Explosive Child (Greene) and Managing Meltdowns (Lipsky)

“Anger management” as a term tells me they don’t understand the problem. You need to be pushy and persistent to get a diagnosis and even then there may not be much support.

Thank you I will look into that.