Don't know if I should seek help

[allupsidedown]

I nearly did not post this. I am a lurker but need some advice. I can't talk to my friends and family. I have Crohn's disease. I stopped taking my medication accidentally but found there was no change in my symptoms, except I no longer had crippling headaches which I thought were down to the meds. All was fine so I decided not to bother taking them when I got home from holiday. Everything was fine for months but then the symptoms started coming back. The stomach pains, losing appetite. I started taking my meds again but now I have terrible, crippling sore stomach. It has got to the point where I have next to nothing to eat day-to-day. (Half a bowl of soup a day) I'm losing lots of weight (2st in 2 months) I feel dreadful, no energy, dizzy as well as lots of pain.
So why can I not just get in contact with the hospital? I feel like I've brought this on myself. I don't deserve their help. Other people are much more worthy of help. I have realised I have lots of issues due to abusive comments from my dad, when I was a teen, about me being worthless and a horrible person. These play on my mind.
Both my dad and my wonderful mum are passed now.
Then I think of my kids, I need to get better and get back to being a mum. I need to be the kind of mum, my mum was.
So why can't I just tell the doctors? My DH is always very busy with work. I work too but do 90% of all childcare or childcare arrangements too. Dh keeps telling me to speak to the doctors but he knows nothing of me stopping my meds for a while.
I have a routine appointment on Friday. I will go alone. I have a feeling I won't say how bad things are. If they notice, fine but if they don't, I will probably just go home.
Some days I think my DDs would be better off without their useless mum. But at the same time I know I am what they need. I would never want to fuck them up the way my dad hurt me. No-one else would believe I feel like this. I am always the strong one, the joker, the fixer of problems. I'm not the one with problems. I help others. I don't need help, except I probably do and no-one has noticed.
I have no idea what I think I can achieve by writing this here. I know I need to get a grip and get better. I know DH loves me and I love him but I'm also aware he is fed up of me being lethargic. I love my girls and they need me.

Go! And tell them everything. They will help you and they will have come across a lot worse behaviour than someone that stopped their medication. Get yourself help, for yourself as well as your family.

I don't understand why you are so reticent to speak to your doctors? You need their help!

Both in terms of the physical symptoms (and I know Crohn's can be horrible) but also psychological. You sound quite depressed. And please be honest with them about stopping your medication - and why. They may be able to suggest something else that doesn't trigger headaches. There are LOTS of treatments available for Crohn's.

Could your DH not help out more at home so you can rest?

DH loves me and I love him but I'm also aware he is fed up of me being lethargic

So show him that you are doing something proactive about it. Good luck.

Go, people with long term conditions do this frequently. Nobody will think any the less of you. Get things back on track now before things deteriorate further and you need more input!
Don't delay!!

I think I possibly am depressed. I am just completely exhausted. The illness, the kids, my school, bereavements. The last few years have been tough.
Dh is never around during the week. He works very hard but so do I. Everything falls on me though.
Part of me just wants someone else to notice, acknowledge that I'm struggling. I will be honest with the hospital and hope things aren't too bad.

One of my friends has Crohns and I can become very serious when you stop taking meds, seek medical attention asap, there are plenty of different treatments out there and your family need you, get the help for them, but I advise seeing a councillor or mental health advisor about your bad thoughts of your past ect, I used to think alot about my past as it wasnt very nice as I suffered neglect from my parents and it effected me when I was 13-16 im now 21 and I have a beautiful family and home. They really do help, with the correct medication that suits you it will all go away and it doesnt happen over night so prepare yourself :) love C