Handhold please.

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It's my mums funeral tomorrow and I'm terrified.

I feel physically sick to the point that I actually don't want to go.
There's certain family members attending that IMO definitely shouldn't be there (haven't been in touch with Mum for many years - she had severe mental health problems and they abandoned her) which will cause a lot of animosity.

There are also people attending that will be a great support to me, but I still don't feel like I can do it.

My panic has manifested itself in a variety of ways. I have constant heartburn, I feel sick, my heart rate is averaging at 120bpm (even while resting.)
I'm not sleeping, have no appetite.

But at the same time, I'm numb. I truly do not feel like she's dead, I've avoided any conversations regarding her funeral and the day itself.
I'd honestly be quite happy if I could go to bed tonight and not wake up until Wednesday.

In my mind, my mum is still in hospital. She isn't dead, she will be coming through the door at any minute. Going tomorrow will cement the fact that she isn't. And it is an absolutely terrifying thought.

I don't think I've properly grieved yet because I don't feel as though she isn't coming back.

My mums death was traumatic and sudden. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and the doctor has prescribed me diazepam, sertraline and propranolol to help me cope a bit better.
Even so, I still don't feel as though the drugs will help me through. There isn't enough pills in the world!

I just need someone to talk me through this evening and maybe tomorrow morning.
With every passing minute I'm becoming more and more inclined to lock myself indoors and not go.

A handhold and a gentle knock of sense would be very much appreciated at the minute.

Thank you.

i'm really sorry for your loss consumer it's obviously going to be a very tough time for you. The things you are feeling now are all normal, its very soon and your grief will manifest itself in different ways. The funeral will be hard but if you can make it through it will help with the process of grieving. Try to just get through the day and not dwell too much on people who are there. Losing your mum is one of the hardest things. Do you have someone if RL who can support you at this time?

I'm really sorry about your mum OP, do you have a partner or a sibling that can support you right now? Ime the lead up to a funeral is often far worse than the actual day. Somehow we get through it.

As daft it may sound a bit of rescue remedy or even a small glass of sherry/port might just help you a little bit. Just a tiny drop mind.

The funeral will help. People say it will, and I didn’t believe them but it does. And also nothing felt real for me until after the funeral as I had the head space to properly grieve.

I'm sorry for your loss. This time can be the very worst for people, in the run up to a funeral. A lot of people bottle up feelings and this can have an effect on your physical health too. I hope the day goes as well as it can, without any wrongdoings by members of your family. xx

can you ask a supportive friend to come with you tomorrow? Try to eat something even if it's just toast or cereal as it will help your blood sugar levels, so sorry for your loss

You’re in shock still. Can you give your partner a sign so that if anyone you don’t want to talk to comes near you, he can move them on quickly?

I think you are at the worst stage right now. I will never forget the feeling of increasing panic as it got closer to my Dad's funeral (he too died suddenly & I was 20 at the time).

As other have said above, it will help. Do you have people supporting you?

Thinking of you.

Thank you for the replies.

No partner unfortunately, so I'm also going to be wrangling my toddler during the service too - which adds a whole other layer of stress.

I do have my dad there as well as a very good friend who is planning to stay by my side the entire time to basically hold me up.
The reverend who is performing the service is lovely too, I had a meeting with her and she put my mind at ease.

But now, it's tomorrow, a matter of hours away and I am beyond terrified.

I honestly cannot imagine myself in the chapel watching her in a coffin and then at the end, the curtains closing.
I have a feeling someone is going to have to hold me up, my knees are weak just thinking about how I am going to deal with it.

So, so awful.

Do you have some Rescue Remedy, that might help a bit?

Can I take rescue remedy alongside diazepam, sertraline and propranolol?

I do have some but I'm a bit concerned that it'll be a bad idea.

Hmm, not sure tbh. Might be best to check with your surgery tomorrow morning?

Handhold here OP, surround yourself with the people that matter afterwards because they'll be the ones to hold you up.

I will see if I can speak to a pharmacist in the morning, I have a feeling I won't have time though.

I honestly can not describe how I scared I am. The fear is like nothing I've ever felt in my life.
Surely it shouldn't be this hard?

I don't want to cry in front of people but I think I will. I don't want my legs to buckle but I think they will.
I feel so so sick. It's unbearable.

Just do what you need to do.
If you need to cry and howl then that’s fine.
If your legs give way then that’s fine.
I’ve been an absolute mess at funerals in the past, and it’s fine.
It sounds really really stupid, but if there’s been bits of the funeral that I couldn’t physically bear to hear as I know I’ll be a wreck then I slowly count backwards in my head from a really big number like 1684.
This seems to fill my head with something else and calm me down a bit. I ended up using that tactic through most of my grandads funeral. I think that just being there was paying my respects, but I was too fragile to listen to the prayers and eulogy.
I really hope tomorrow goes as well as it can.

Handhold here too, OP. The time before a funeral seemed like a limbo to me, nothing is real yet. You will get through it though. It doesn't matter if you cry - very many people cry at funerals. Certainly it helps to have someone you trust near you - if possible, 2 people, one each side.
I found that if it was too much to bear, I would actually deliberately think of something else. To me , it was a coping strategy - I mourned in private later.
Good luck tonight and tomorrow.

How did it go OP? I hope it went as well as these things can go.