How much time does your teen spend with you?

[Canshopwillshop]

Feeling a bit down today as I realise that my 14 year old DD is spending less and less time with us. She is either with friends (at home or out and about) or in her bedroom on her phone. We do eat our evening meal altogether most days and she will watch a film with us or the XFactor at weekends and comes on the odd family dog walk with us (and 11year old DS). We have the occasional shopping trip together.

What upset me a bit this morning is she asked why we had to go away the whole of half term week - we are going on a family holiday to Cornwall. She then said she was looking forward to it but just felt she was missing out a bit on what her friends would be doing.

She is very loving and tells me she loves me all the time but I just feel like I am losing her a bit. I know there is a natural progression away from parents etc but she still seems so young. Wondering if I should be trying to bring her back into the fold a bit and creating more family time or is this just typical behaviour for a 14 year old?

Anyone?

Exactly the same here. 13 year spends much more time on phone. Really happy, strong friendships, doing well at school. My only one and I want to do stuff all the time with her but she just says she wants to “chill”

Sounds like you are still doing stuff together.

No help sorry

I think you need to try to get used to this. She sounds very healthy and happy, developmentally en pointe

You can feel sad but it would be kind if she wasn't aware you were sad. She's taking very normal and healthy steps towards independence.

Thanks Hairy. It is helpful to know others are like it too. Yes, I get ‘I just want to chill’ a lot. Guess it’s just standard teen behaviour.

Thanks Pickle. She doesn’t know how I feel. I do sometimes comment about spending too much time in her room but I don’t get sad or cross.

Hi same here with my dd age 14, I try to encourage her downstairs to watch tv with us but it really seems to be on their terms once they hit this age. I do miss her though and just try to make the most of the time she wants to be with me!

Yep - going through this at the moment with ds2 who's 14 - he's always been really close to me - all cuddly and happy to spend time with us, but the PS4 and his girlfriend (!) now take precedent and he rarely watches TV with us or spends any time other than at the tea table... Taking him to football stuff in the car is also a good time to talk to him, but other than that, we get to see the back of his head mainly while he's on the PS4

There is hope though - ds1 who's 16 spends more time with us now - he's started at sixth form and is through the of the teen angst stuff I think and generally more pleasant than he was a few years ago! He watches TV most evenings with us at least and will actually talk to us from time to time....

Practically zero time at 14/15. She was way too cool for the likes of us, was barely in the house for five minutes and only her friends mattered.
Roll on to 16/17/18 DD has come back to us. She suddenly declared she would like to do more family stuff. She works full time but spends a couple of nights a week and occasional days at the weekend doing something with us, sometimes brings a friend/bf. Rest of the time she does stuff with bf family/friends.

I found the 13-16 age when they really do not want to spend any time with you, I was lucky if DD came for a walk with me, never mind a holiday (recall one big teenage tantrum when she nearly refused to come to see family for Christmas...).

DD is now 19 and we have a really close relationship, when she was about 16/17 she started to spend more time with me and re-appeared from her room (got a good family/friendship balance). She will always need her mum. My DD has been in and out of hospital recently and the poor love just wanted hugs from her mum.

Although you have to adapt and find they do not need you as much, I found that quite hard at first and quite lonely (although it had just been DD and I for 15 years). But I do admit, I do enjoy now enjoy my freedom a bit more

Yes, all normal I think. Sad though.
Our dd (15) has also played her face about our half term holiday and we've had to compromise by going Tuesday to Sunday - i.e. giving her a long weekend with her mates first and she seems OK with this. I appreciate that's a bit galling if you've already booked and paid for a week's accommodation, though.

I think they do just get self conscious and embarrassed about being with parents at this age. My dd recently told me that I'm 'very lucky' because she'll still walk alongside me. Apparently many of her friends won't do this with their parents

Thanks everyone. It’s comforting to know that it’s all normal behaviour. I’m also encouraged to hear that things could get better when she’s a bit older 😊

Yes - thinking about it, ds1 starting to be quite nice with us has also coincided with him getting a part-time job - he works every weekend in the afternoon/evening and is finding it quite tough! I think he's started to realise how hard it is to work and do everything else in life so it's just possible he's starting to appreciate us...!

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship as it is and she is happy to be part of the family. Very normal she is starting to take a step back as her friendships get deeper and more complex, she may also need more time to 'decompress' after school, even if that is just sitting on her phone on her own.

I totally understand her being a bit miffed about missing out on stuff going on at home with friends. I looked after a niece recently during a school break because she wanted to be at home and not away with her parents and missing out! FOMO is real, especially as a teen

Same. I’m lucky if I get half an hour to watch something together or (with some pleading) a quick trip to the supermarket to help carry bags.

Thanks spanishwife.