Wwyd- friend my age with MS

[ILoveHumanity]

I’m 28 and my friend is 32. I got to know her when she was 30. She had just been diagnosed with MS.

We meet once a year as she lives abroad and comes UK for medical treatment.

When we first met I was going through issues and so we connected as we both had things that needed a listening ear. We supported each other.

I am now in a much better place... have a child... a house. Husband. Still have my problems but got through most of them.

but unfortunately for her , she deteriorated. Was told she shouldn’t have kids. She lost a pregnancy. Lost her marriage. Her health...

When she came for her treatment today, i felt really bad coming to meet her with my new baby.. as if I was rubbing it in her face. I tried to ask her how she was but things were obvious.

I asked her, to show I care, how is things with you? How are you coping ?

She burst into tears. She said “ how am I”, and then her eyes filled up with tears. While I held my son who was giggling and playing I knew a lot of it was to do with her feeling like her life is standstill...

I can’t help but feel like her seeing me how I progressed in life makes her feel more alone and isolated.

I feel terrible for asking her how she feels. I don’t know how to have conversations with her now. She seems like she is very self conscious.

I feel terrible that I made her cry :(.. I’m not good at this.

Help.. WWYD??

Bump

It was a thoughtless question tbh. Did you call her back to apologise for upsetting her?

I don't think you where thoughtless, you both knew it would be hard and you're not hiding away you're still offering to be there as a friend.

Don't beat yourself up. None of us knows how to deal with these situations which is why they are shit.

You can't help her illness nor can you stop your life because of it.

Perhaps ask her if there's anything she needs or you can do to help? Suggest doing something just the 2 of you which shed enjoy and remind her she's still a person who can do stuff.

My mum has cancer and whenever I ask her how she's feeling/doing she comes back with some comment like "well I'm still alive". She's joking and it's tongue in cheek but I don't think she knows how how to answer anymore than I know what to ask iyswim?

I don't think it was a thoughtless question. Most people who have a long-term illness/bereavement etc say it's worse when other people - for the best of reasons - skirt around the issue, do not acknowledge it, and therefore deny the person the opportunity to talk about things. MS is a condition that can come and go. The way that it affects your friend may vary from week to week. I think it's fine to ask how she is. If she doesn't feel like talking about it, she will change the subject. MS can also make people emotionally labile, so that may have been the reason for her tears, rather than your question.

Next time you meet, I would try to leave your son with somebody else for the day, just so your friend has your full attention. Meanwhile, perhaps you can phone your friend for a chat. I am sure she really appreciates that you have kept in touch with her and are trying to be there for her.

It wasn’t thoughtless ffs.

You did nothing wrong - I have MS and I appreciate it when people ask how I am!

You sound like a lovely caring friend. She will see people everywhere who are living a luckier life than her, you shouldn't feel ashamed that things are good for you.

I have a couple of friends with MS, both of them like to talk about it.
Just listening and being there means you are a good friend. You didn't make her cry, you were there when she got upset.
You sound really kind.

My mum has MS so I'm very familiar with the condition and how your friend must have been feeling. It's a very tough situation but don't stop seeing her because you feel guilty. You sound like a lovely friend and someone she'll really need in her life. Point her in the direction of the MS Trust & MS Society as can be a wonderful support. She's lucky to have a friend like you.

It is understandable that she is feeling down with all that going on. In a way perhaps it's a good thing that she felt she could store how she's feeling in front of you? Maybe you don't need to say anything, just give her space to be sad if she needs to ( but could offer a hug if she is someone who likes that)

In a sense it is not your responsibility to make her feel better, or to make her feel that she has to act happy around you. Maybe a message to say you hope you didn't make things worse and that you're there is she needs a shoulder to cry on? And perhaps offer a time to meet without your son if she wants to?

Of course it wasn't thoughtless. You'd ask anyone else, wouldn't you? You'd enquire after their health? So why not her? It would seem a bit artificial if you didn't, and I'm sure she appreciated that you acted with the best motives.

I know a woman with MS. She's had it for years and is now in her late 60s. It comes and goes, and often she's in remission.

Thanks everyone. It helped a lot to read your comments.

I texted her that night and said I was really sorry that I reminded her of her wounds with my questions.

She replied that her wound is open and deep and that it’s not me who did that. And that she just has moments where she feels she needs to let it out.

In a sense maybe I feel like she trusts me enough to do that and makes me feel like I’m not a bad friend after all.

We met again the following day and she opened up to me. I tried to tell her how strong I feel she is and how much that’s something I look up to. Totally true.

I was glad to see her smile. Seem confident to be herself with me again.

I guess the tears were the ice breaker. I guess she was feeling as awkward as I was.

I feel like I see the beautiful person she is, and how MS actually only helped her flourish her inner strengrhr which I look up to. I do not want to be a person that reminds her of what she doesn’t have , I hope to be able to be that person that reminds her of what she does actually have that many of us perhaps don’t. Inner power that beats any loss of limb control..

Off to sob , but with a smile :).

I hope all those with MS or who have been affected by it don’t read my post and see a reflection of their story in the OP.

I want you to know that I don’t pitty you and I don’t look at you thinkng that your life is deprived of blessings.

We all have different journeys to walk in life and leave our footprints.

Perhaps the journey you are meant to walk, is meant to leave footprints that lead somewhere far meaningful than mine. And with the inner strength that it takes to stay positive, and keep knowing who you are through it all and not letting it define you, I won’t be surprised.

You are so valuable in my life. And to many lives around you. You aren’t a burden. You have a purpose. And for that you need to not let your bad days make you forget your smile.

I don’t look at my friend thinkng anything but how I’m enjoying my time talking to her..

And at times when her MS becomes obvious and part of my thoughts, what I do think is “ I wish I had the bravery to get through life positively, the same way she does”, and “how does she do it”.